It’s my anniversary, although it’s probably more like a birthday.
Today it’s four years since I attempted suicide and four years since I had to reluctantly come back into the world.
I had to learn how to feel again, how to manage my emotions and how to deal with knowing that I will most likely live a significant portion of my life on medication.
I had to grieve for my old sense of self and to get to know who I am now. I’ve had to acknowledge that I can no longer put my body and mind through the levels of stress that I was used to. I’ve had to discover a way to recover from a suicide attempt while navigating what it is like to live with depression.
Depression is insidious, it’s a leaking tap that you can ignore until the point that the house is flooded. It waits until everything is good, or everything is bad, or everything is just normal and then it comes back.
While you get better at knowing when it’ll appear and managing it when it has moved in, each time it seems to strip more of you away. The longer the episode, the more tiring it is. You begin to beg for a real visible illness, for something to show to people so that they can see the turmoil that you’re going through.
You wish for a day where you don’t have to think about how you are managing your moods or your energy levels. You dream of being able to have a week where stress doesn’t lead to you losing the ability to eat or think or sleep. You remember when feeling busy felt good and not like your chest was being crushed in a vice. You try and remember that time where you thought that depression wasn’t even real and that anxiety is just an extra stressful day.
You long for a day that you’ll wake up and not feel tired.
This year I’m feeling pretty exhausted by the whole thing. I’ve felt like I’m in quicksand for most of this year and the experience of going back on medication has been a difficult one.
I suppose the whole point is that I’m still here to feel anything at all.
Here’s what else I’ve written on this:
2012: The day I didn’t die
2013: 100 days of strength
2014: A funeral in my brain
2015: Four years of wishing
2016: A resurrection
If this post has brought up issues for you and you need help or advice, Beyond Blue and Lifeline 13 11 14 can offer support.
