I don’t know why 10 years is more significant than 9 or 11. It’s an arbitrary number really. Last year I chose not to write about it, the first time I’ve intentionally chosen not to publicly recognise this date. It feels necessary this year to acknowledge that 10 years ago I attempted to take my own life and I survived.
Often people’s long term stories about mental illness end up being bright and shiny, a story of resilience and recovery and seeing the world so clearly now. I won’t pretend that is my story.
My mental illness is still something I deal with every day and that I will deal with for the rest of my life. My times of extreme distress are fewer now, but they hit me more ferociously and it takes everything I have not to return to previous coping mechanisms. Sometimes I fail at that. I feel no shame in that failure. I am outside the norm for someone with bipolar, as I’ve never had a break without my medication. Many of us start to feel better and think that the medication is no longer necessary. I know I am not ok without it.
This year I have experienced the loss of my grandmother. A pain felt keenly, which hit me with a shocking intensity. It was a reminder of what death does to a family. It showed me what my death could have done to my family and friends. The stark difference with suicide there is always an element of, ‘could I have done more’. That is a question that sits with people for years, along with the anger and disappointment.
I don’t think it’s helpful to think of mental ill health as something that can be cured. Once you have been unwell those feelings aren’t able to be unfelt or forgotten and there is always a fear that you will feel them again.
For some a cure is not a possibility. The illness is something that is lived with. It is a part of me, to pretend otherwise would be naïve. There are people for whom this illness will be terminal, it again is naïve to think that all suicides can be avoided.
Over the last 18 months mental health has been something that has been weaponised. Governments and individuals that have never previously shown any regard for the wellbeing of members of the community are suddenly decrying the public health measures that have been put in place to keep us all safe.
Each year in Australia around 3,000 people die by suicide. The initial numbers for 2020 reflect this too. In Victoria in 2020, 713 people died by suicide (down 7 from 2019). Year to date in Victoria (end of July), there have been 384 suicides, down from 436 in 2020.
Over 65,000 people attempt suicide each year (this number is likely under reported). Death by suicide and attempted death by suicide is not a new issue and it has enraged me the way that this has been conveyed throughout the pandemic. It diminishes the experience of those that have been ill for a long time, and it ignores the complexities of mental ill health. It is also an easy out for those that have the ability to better fund and support those that are ill. If you can simply blame lockdowns then you don’t have to take responsibility for the reasons that people become ill and subsequently die. I may be cynical but perhaps there is only concern for mental health issues now because it is the normal people that are getting sick and not the ones that people so often associate with mental illness.
It is worth noting that financial stress and poverty are key contributors to mental distress. This is why it is so important that our federal government increases and continues supplementary payments and increases payments such as JobSeeker and the disability pension. This means that people don’t have to choose food or medication. People then have the option to access and afford counselling or even just a GP appointment. My medication each month costs the equivalent of one day of the JobSeeker payment (it’s not eligible to be subsidised). A private psychiatrist appointment can be $500 out of pocket, a psychologist up to $250. While there is a rebate for this you still have to have the money available to front the full payment.
When people don’t have to worry about money when they are not on or below the poverty line their outcomes are better.**
It is too simplistic to blame lockdowns for the development of mental health issues or worsening of existing mental illness. The lockdowns and impact of the pandemic have simply highlighted the issues that already existed in society. Mental healthcare is underfunded and understaffed, and it has been so for years, not just locally but globally. We do a disservice to those that have been living with mental illness for years when we provide a blanket reason for people’s distress.
We need more than days like R U OK Day, or all staff emails that tell people to use the Employee Assistance Program. We have awareness already. What we need is sustained funding, support and education. We need equal access to services no matter where you live, we need there be adequate numbers of people trained, we need police officers not to be the first responders when someone is in the midst of a mental health crisis.
After 10 years, the story hasn’t changed, the numbers remain the same, the problems remain the same.
I am lucky that I have had the financial means to pay for my treatment. I have had a community that has supported me and tried to understand my experience to help me when in crisis. I have had ongoing access to medication which enables me to manage my mental health and reduce the likelihood of becoming suicidal or acting on suicidal thoughts.
I know that there are too many that aren’t as lucky as I am and have been for the last 10 years.
I can only hope that those that are now speaking up loudly about mental health will continue to do so once the lockdowns have eased. I hope that they will pay attention to the data that shows that 1 in 5 people that have covid will develop mental health problems.
I hope that people that are eligible to be vaccinated will do so because by doing so they’ll protect people, as it’s been shown that people with existing mental disorders are at higher risk of covid and have poorer health outcomes.
I hope that we can all do more to support the vulnerable in our communities, so that in another 10 years I’m not once again saying that nothing has changed.
*Except that time I forgot.
**A couple of sources for this to back it up.
Australian Government: Australian Institute of Health and Welfare
Research paper: NCBI
Here’s what I’ve written on this in the past:
2012: The day I didn’t die
2013: 100 days of strength
2014: A funeral in my brain
2015: Four years of wishing
2016: A resurrection
2017: Six years to the day
2018: Well, I forgot, so it turns out I can have times where I don’t think about it.
2019: Eight years today
2020: 2020 deserved to be skipped.
If this post has brought up issues for you and you need help or advice, Beyond Blue and Lifeline 13 11 14 can offer support.
