eutrapely

Eight years today

It was eight years ago today that I decided to end my life, obviously, it didn’t quite go as planned.

Eight years since I stopped being able to think of myself as someone that is just a little more sensitive, a little more prone to ups and downs, and maybe a little less…

Who

Who am I without bipolar? Do I just drop off a couple of degrees at each end, stop seesawing and find equilibrium?

Do I feel less? Be less impulsive? Do I feel as intensely or feel so numb I can’t breathe? Do I remember to close my eyes rather than stare at the ceiling? Do I still feel…

A life without pretence

When my friend died by suicide 11 years ago today I was so angry at him, furious, incredulous that he could do this to people. I thought all of the things that I know are damaging to say or hear in relation to mental illness and suicide. How could he do this, he’s so selfish. He’s got…

Changing lanes, again.

My initial career in HR was borne out of wanting to be able to better support people at work, underlying this at the time was the impact that I saw poor workplace environments had on people’s mental health. I do not feel that if you’re in a horrid working environment with a poor workplace…

Six years to the day

“What colour is it? Pinot noir or Shiraz?” said the ambo trying to assess how much blood I’d lost.

Six years ago today, my life changed trajectory, a hook turn rather than a u-turn. Who knows where it would have gone if that night didn’t happen? Maybe I’d have kept…

The damage

My mental illness has a significant and lifelong impact on my life. It is potentially terminal, and while I was told I had depression my probability of suicide was around 5%, now with bipolar that number jumps to 25%. Plus people with bipolar are 20 times more likely to die by suicide than the general…

The language of feelings

Mental health conversations often revolve around feelings, and for me a lot of these conversations come back to me “having a lot of feelings”.

Which I do, and which everyone does (some people just don’t realise they’re there — that’s probably not good for…

Hello, my old friend

Here we are again, the weaning process. It’s a cruel joke that for anti-depressants to work it can take up to 6 weeks, when you start going off them you feel it immediately. You get a nice combo of a headache, some extra cotton mouth, losing your words, lack of energy, exhaustion, blurred…

Mind at work

Work to me, like for a lot of people has been a defining element of my identity. The other element in the last 6 years has been my mental health. The crossover between the two has often been a challenge.