5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Becoming a Parent
Hard truths for anyone wanting kids.
Parents don’t get do-overs when it comes to their kids. So any time I find myself wishing I would have done something differently for my son, I wonder what it would have been like if I’d been more prepared to be a mom.
For anyone considering parenthood, here are the things I wish I’d known ahead of time.
1. Financial stability will help keep your kid alive.
Having a kid means supporting them in every way necessary. So it’s a huge benefit to you if you understand how to keep control of your finances.
Kids need things — lots of things, actually. There are years of diapers, doctor’s visits, clothing, food. Oh yeah, and a place to sleep and live other than a cardboard box on the sidewalk.
$300,000 — That’s what raising a kid from birth to eighteen years of age can cost today.
It’s never too soon to start learning how to manage your money.
What has helped:
Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover is a great book if you need to understand how to set up a real budget and tackle your debt. He also has a podcast that explores all sorts of facets and perspectives of financial independence.
Two more great books that have helped me change my mindset regarding money are Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill and Jen Sincero’s You Are a Badass at Making Money. Both of these books have made me realize my internal thoughts and views on money were keeping me from reaching my financial goals much more than any of my actions.
2. You’re going to make mistakes.
So know when to ask for help or seek an expert.
It’s inevitable and only a matter of time — we all mess up in life. But once you’re a parent you quickly realize your mistakes can have a lasting — if not lifelong — effect on your little ones.
Remember too that not everyone’s advice is equal. Unless they’re an expert in their field, don’t simply accept parenting advice from anyone and everyone. It’s certainly good to listen to those who have raised their own kids, but don’t assume their solutions will also be right for your kid’s issues.
And Google and WebMD will only get you so far. There are experts in medicine, therapy, and teaching who’ve spent many years in school and practice. These are the experts who can help parents in a multitude of ways because they’ve trained for it.
Don’t let fear or embarrassment stop you from getting the help you and your kids might need. An intelligent, responsible person always asks for help when they need it.
What has helped:
Online parenting groups can be very helpful especially if you’re looking for someone who’s already been-there-done-that. There are some wonderful parents out there who truly want to help others avoid the mistakes they’ve already made. Facebook is a good place to start searching for your community.
I’ve also participated in group therapy for parents. When my child came out as transgender I had no clue on how to best support him without making a wrong move. This group has been invaluable to me in many ways — physician recommendations, peer support, mental health resources, and more.
3. Fear will corrupt your parenting skills.
Don’t give in to fear-based parenting. Yes, part of your job as a parent is to protect your kid from harm. But don’t fall down the rabbit hole of worrying about every possible scenario that includes your kid’s abduction or world domination as an evil genius.
There are far more good people in this world than bad.
Worry, concern, and a protective nature can easily change into fear if we allow them to dictate our every thought and action. And kids pick up on such things. If a child grows up in a household full of fear and anxiety, he will inevitably question whether or not he’s prepared for anything throughout his life.
What has helped:
If you’re fortunate enough to have a more pragmatic partner, they can be a great sounding board. My spouse will bring it to my attention any time he feels my worrisome ways are creeping into my decision-making regarding our son.
Another way I can tell if I’m parenting out of fear is if I’m feeling overwhelmed, uncomfortable at the thought of spending time with my child, or exhausted at the idea of making one more parental decision. This is when it’s necessary to take a step back from the situation. Self-care is not a selfish endeavor. Taking care of myself allows me to be a better parent.
4. Confidence makes all the difference.
In other words, trust in your gut. Although you won’t have all the answers, you understand your child better than anyone.
And kids pick up on things like confidence — or a lack thereof. If you’re showing confidence as a parent, your child will feel free to express whatever is on her mind because she’ll feel like you can handle it.
If you display a lack of confidence your child might not feel comfortable sharing her feelings. She might worry she’ll hurt your feelings or cause you to unnecessarily worry.
As a parent, it’s your job to instill a sense of safety, acceptance, and love in your child. And embracing a sense of self-confidence is a great way to do this.
What has helped:
It’s easy to be hard on ourselves. After all, as parents, our kids’ futures depend on our choices regarding them. But we also get to choose to be more self-confident by accepting we have what it takes to be good parents.
I remind myself daily that believing in myself is a choice I can make every moment of every day. And choosing to love myself despite all of my faults, means I have much more to offer my kids.
When I make a mistake, I acknowledge it, make any changes necessary to not allow it to happen again, and then I put it behind me. So far, my son has survived any mistakes I’ve made. And he still loves me. I call that a win.
5. Understand the difference between gender, gender expression, and sexuality.
Assuming a child’s gender identity will align with their biological sex is a thing of the past. Thanks to science and the medical community, we now know better.
Most children understand and recognize their own gender identity by age three. It’s helpful to speak honestly and accurately about gender, gender expression, and sexuality regardless of your child’s age. But of course, anything you say should be age-appropriate as well.
Brushing up on terms associated with gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality will give you the information you may need to talk with your child. Using the correct terminology will let your kid know you are open to discussing these things with them as they get older. And even if your child does not identify within the LGBTQ+ community, you will be teaching them the knowledge they’ll need to understand those who do.
What has helped:
Reading other parents’ experiences on raising gender-diverse children has been especially helpful to me. Dr. Paria Hassouri’s memoir, Found in Transition, is one of the best I’ve read so far. I can’t recommend it enough to any parent who may be struggling with understanding a child who identifies within the LGBTQ+ community.
Transgender School is another invaluable resource. They are a mother/daughter team that offers courses and materials in order to educate anyone seeking more information on transgender identities as well as how to be good allies and advocates.
And The Trevor Project has all sorts of educational tools and information regarding LGBTQ+ youth. They even offer trained counselors available 24/7 to those who need to chat with someone, including anyone dealing with depression, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts.
To Summarize
Because it’s impossible to be entirely prepared, parenting can feel like riding a rollercoaster at times with the many ups and downs along the way. There will always be new things that come up that you need to figure out how to deal with as you go. But managing these five things will give you a great start in having a happy parenting journey where your kid not only survives but thrives.
- Being financially stable is critical in helping support and care for your child.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. No one knows everything — that’s why there are experts.
- Don’t allow your fears for the what-ifs to dictate how to parent. Instead, use them as incentives to do your best.
- Being confident is a choice we get to make in order to create a safe, accepting space for our kids.
- It’s never too soon to understand the diverse spectrums of gender, gender expression, and sexuality. Cisgender, straight parents have LGBTQ+ kids too.
