| Single to Shaadi

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in anything, I’m a regular male human being that cares about people and giving my opinion based on my personal experiences. This is solely my take, everyone has a different perspective, there is no right or wrong way to build a solid connection, if it works for you then that’s what matters the most. This is just a way I have structured my analysis of whether a person is a good match and if there’s a chance for love in the future. Also, this is assuming you don’t know the person you’re interested in, this is a random potential dater and not a family friend or a friend of a friend or a mutual friend etc.

Level 1 — Body

This is the easiest level to reach and often the fastest. The reason is simple, it’s the first thing you see. From a male perspective, we are very visual creatures. The question is, does that make us superficial? If you’re basing EVERYTHING off of physical characteristics, then yes. However, the gateway to reach the next level is if the person of interest can get past this first level which is Body, the physical part. Physicality and being attracted to someone physically in my opinion is the first “test” so to speak. If you’re not physically attracted to your partner, you’re just friends. If you want kids and you’re not physically attracted to that person, then you’re going to have to force yourself to be with that person in that way? It shouldn’t have to feel like a forced obstacle but rather someone you desire and want to be with physically. Your partner will also want to feel desired, it’s a great feeling to know you’re wanted and you’re being deemed as attractive. Men absolutely like having the affirmation of being desired and will often absorb this and convert it as one of the factors of love. However, this can’t be a one-way street. The man must definitely show this desire equally to his partner. This level of Body is an important way to connect with someone and it isn’t just about how a person looks or about the sex. This is also about non-verbal communication, public displays of affection (if you’re open in this way, depends on the person) and the overall level of physical comfortability you both are together. Also, some people’s love language is physical touch and this would conceptually fall under this level.

Level 2 — Mind

Mind is the next level after Body that will take much more time, energy and effort. This is very dependent on both people verbalizing their thoughts, values, morals, viewpoints and perspectives. Being transparent with one another and clearly communicating as open and honest as possible from the very start is a major key to understanding someone and being able to accept that person for who they are at face value. However, it doesn’t happen on the first date usually, so it takes time to open up especially when it comes to any skeletons in the closets or vices that could be a deal breaker or impact the relationship dynamic in the future. Being sure to discuss your passions and what is important to you in life such as political views, morals or values and more is important to be clear about because you need your significant other to support you even when it’s not a part of them or when they disagree. The reason why I say this is because it’s almost impossible to find someone that agrees with everything you say or sees life 100% the way you do, but what’s more important is that they support you in your world view even when it’s not in their realm. Being open-minded in however way you can will you connect with that person on an intellectual level and help the conversation flow a lot better. Communicating any non-flexible deal breakers before the first date will save you a lot of hassle in figuring out if this is the right potential partner for you in the future. This is probably even more important if you’re a South Asian that lies more on the traditional side of the culture. For me for example, I’m an Indo-Caribbean-American so my worldview is the very opposite of a traditional Indian and would need a person that is like that or at the very least, accepts me for that. This level is actually the most important level and can easily make or break a connection, especially if you are a sapiosexual. This level shows how you live your life, what your beliefs are, what morals you live by and what topics of interest you and your partner can intellectually bond on. Like I said earlier, this level requires the most detail and work.

Level 3 — Soul

This is the most challenging level in a connection and it is rare. This is the level that will indicate if this is your true LIFE PARTNER. This level is intangible compared to the previous two levels. It cannot be indicated by any of the 5 basic human senses (touch, sight, hearing, smell and taste) like the previous two levels. You’re probably asking yourself, how do I know I’m at this level with this person I’m dating? Assuming you’ve reached past Levels 1 and 2, you have to start to open your “third eye” and tap into your feelings or emotions. How does this person make you feel when you think about them? How do they make you feel when you’re with them? This isn’t love I’m talking about either, this could be many feelings such as happiness, confidence, uplifting, joyous and more. However, if what you think of are negative emotions/feelings, then this is bad sign that this might not be a good connection and is most likely due to a significant issue in either Level 1 or 2 or even both. You know how people say there’s awkward silence sometimes between someone? If you have achieved Level 3, then there shouldn’t be any awkward silence. Being with that person silence shouldn’t be bother to you or make you feel weird, better yet, it should lean towards the opposite that.

Level 4 — Heart

This is the highest level of connection you can achieve with your significant other. If you feel like you achieved Level 3 then all three levels are complete. Combined this can be perceived as love. Where you connect with someone on all three fronts. This can be physically felt and sometimes not. For example, that tingly feeling in your stomach or heart when you think of or are around this person is an indicator you may love this person. This level can sometimes make you feel like you’re yearning for this person, but depending on the dynamic of the relationship, that can be viewed as needy or clingy or can also be viewed as endearing as you have this high level of care and want to be with this person. At the end of the day, there’s a million ways to explain love. For each unique individual person there is a unique individual view of what love means to them, how they give love and how they receive love.

What does this mean to you?

There is no right or wrong to how you view each level. You might not even have a hierarchy for each level like me. You might not even have levels. You might have a totally different system of analysis when you’re deciding whether this person you’re dating is a good match for you. You might not even have a system at all. There is no right or wrong way to how you connect with a person. What matters is that this person will be compatible for how you want to connect. That doesn’t mean this person has to be exactly like you, sometimes opposites attract. Why does that happen? It’s probably because both persons are conducive to each other’s’ unique needs. Those needs can be similar or different between both persons. This is my way of understanding what a connection means to me. What is yours?

- Lenny Rampersaud

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on August 2, 2021.

The Hierarchy of the 3 Pillars of Connection — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

Disclaimer: This review contains spoilers

I was not prepared for all the emotions I felt while watching season two of Never Have I Ever. It was so emotionally captivating to the point that I watched all ten episodes in one sitting. This series, especially the second season, was immensely therapeutic for the brown girl in me. After watching season one, I realized everything that Devi Vishwakumar, played by Maitreyi Ramakrishnan, is going through in high school is exactly what I am going through right now in college. All the academic competition, horniness and angst she experiences is my life in a nutshell. Similarly to Devi, one side of me is super ambitious and wants to excel at every extra curricular, while the other side of me wants to have sex and explore the world of “American dating.” But season two hits a little differently than season one and I found myself shifting from relating to Devi to empathizing with her outlandish attempts to get everything she wants.

Episode one of season two picks up where we left off at the end of season one. Devi and Ben’s, played by Jaren Lewison, kiss. It throws Nalini, Devi’s mom, played by Poorna Jagannathan, into a fit when she finds out and us brown kids all understand how this goes from our own experiences with our parents. For the first few episodes, Devi struggles with indecisiveness and juggles two boyfriends, consequently losing both. Outside her failing romantic life, a new Indian girl enters the chat, her cousin faces workplace discrimination, and her best friends and mother face relationship struggles of their own. The rest of the season Devi goes down a vicious path to try to get everything she wants. It causes her more strife than she expected.

My qualms with Devi’s behavior probably root from my own behavior this past semester at college. While I never had two simultaneous boyfriends, I understand the desire to focus on carnal activities as a distraction from our real problems. In season one, I was rooting Devi on for being confident and asking for what she wants when she approached Paxton, played by Darren Barnet, to have sex. Even at the end of the season when we knew both Ben and Paxton were into Devi, I was still rooting for her. But when she decided to date both of them and used her move to India as an escape, it really showed her lack of “introspection or mature decision making” McEnroe, episode 1. Having two guys be so passionately into you is nice and I am all for polyamorous and open relationships if that is what the other people want as well. But there is absolutely no communication. Devi leaves both of her “boyfriends” in the dark and, as her therapist said, if she can’t be honest with either of them, she has zero boyfriends. What she did was straight up cheating. As soon as she made the decision, I was reminded of Schmidt from New Girl and how he tried to date two women at the same time. I knew it wasn’t going to end well.

Despite all her boy troubles, Devi is not the only character in this show with messy relationships. Other notable toxic relationships include Eleanor and Malcolm, Fabiola and Eve, Kamala and her boss, and even Devi and Aneesa. Toxicity comes in many forms and I commend the show for displaying many of them. Eleanor turned a blind eye to emotional manipulation from her boyfriend only to get heartbroken when he dumped her over text. Fabiola tried so hard to change herself to fit in with her girlfriends queer circle and lost some of her old robotics club friends. And her robot died unfortunately. Kamala resorted to kissing up and participating in her boss’ nerdy hobbies but still didn’t get credit for a discovery she made. And Devi tried sabotaging Aneesa and Ben’s friendship out of jealousy and spread a damaging rumor that got her suspended from school.

While the plot is the protagonist of production, there are other important parts to creating a series that are worth mentioning. My favorite part of this entire season has to be the soundtrack. My weakness is indie music with a low key vibe; the kind that is perfect for a late night drive and this show is full of that. Trent, Paxton’s best friend, played by Benjamin Norris, stands out as the best side character in this series. In the midst of all the chaos going on, I believe that not a single thought is in his mind except spontaneous decisions to blow things up. The writing is a bit bland at times especially during dramatic fights and apologies, but where the writing lacks in emotional depth, it makes up with comedy. Some of my favorite and probably most bizarre dialogues from this season are “I’m not interested in joining whatever cult this is” Nalini, episode 5, “why do you look like a sexy flight attendant from mars” Nalini in Tamil, episode 5 and “this teen had offered up her virginity to him like it was a hummus sample at the grocery store” McEnroe, episode 10. The cultural references that only South Asians living in America would know were the best comedic moments of the series.

Devi made a lot of mistakes this season and I found myself watching each episode with a sore throat and a tense body. While I really felt for Devi in so many ways, some of the things she did out of jealousy and fear made me question Devi’s morals. She even had a moment where it felt like everyone was calling her crazy and it affected her deeply. I wouldn’t have done even half of the things she did if I was in her shoes. Her behavior was so out of control that I had to pause the show on multiple occasions and brace myself for second hand embarrassment due to the questionable things she said and did. But I understand what it feels like to convince yourself that everything you do makes everything worse; it’s the most common form of teenage angst that just about anyone has experienced.

Unlike season one, I was extremely disappointed with the ending of season two. If someone I really like uses me for a sneaky link but is embarrassed to be seen publicly with me the way Paxton was with Devi, I would cut all ties and never speak to them again. I really wondered where Devi’s respect for herself went this season. At the end of the day, Devi should to let go of her obsession with other people and deal with the trauma of her dad’s passing. She would benefit greatly if she would just focus on loving herself as that is the only way that she will heal. As crazy as her friends and mom say Devi is, her therapist said it the best when she told her “you’re not crazy. You’re just hurting and you might even be a little depressed.” While season two may not have been as relatable as season one, this line resonated with me the most.

-Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on July 26, 2021.

Never Have I Ever Season 2 Review — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

It’s going to be a hard pill to swallow but we are not always as good at dating as we think we are. Dating is a hard game to master. And I believe that it comes from our refusal to accept the obvious signs. It usually boils down to most people’s inability to accept that someone who you like doesn’t like you back. Rejection is hard, there is no denying that and while it is easier to make excuses for the other person, it is so much better for your own mental wellbeing to notice the signs and let them go. The article below titled “4 Signs Someone’s Just Not That Into You” by Elite Daily gives us a few easy signs to look for when you are in any stage of a relationship with someone.

— Anokhi Ladhani / Contributing Author

4 Signs Someone’s Just Not That Into You

By Rachel Shatto — June 29th, 2020

If you’ve ever dated or even just started talking to someone who plays the hot-and-cold game, you know what a mind trip it can be. One minute they seem like they’re interested, while the next they’re aloof and distant. It can be extremely frustrating, but, moreover, it’s confusing as hell. So, of course, knowing how to cut through this uncertainty and recognize the signs someone’s not into you can be a total dating game changer. But is paying attention to someone’s behavior really a reliable way to know when they’re just not that into you? Cherlyn Chong, a dating and breakup recovery coach for professional women, tells Elite Daily the answer is “absolutely.”

Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships, suggests that you stop relying on what someone says and start taking a closer look at their actions to determine if they’re feeling you. “A sure-tell sign that someone’s into you is by the continuity of their communication with you, and by the way they smile and their eyes light up when they see you, either on video chat or IRL,” she tells Elite Daily. As for someone who isn’t into you, well, here’s what the experts say to keep an eye out for.

01

THEIR VIBE OVER TEXT IS AMBIVALENT.

You likely know from personal experience that when you’re into someone, you’re enthusiastic in your texts. This is why Chong says if someone’s texts take on a less-than-eager vibe, it can be a sign that their feelings have faded. “This is a person who’s just dragging their feet and has already lost interest, but they don’t have the heart to tell you the truth,” she explains. “Instead, they’re hoping that you’ll be the one to lose interest and stop texting back. People do this because they still want to look like the good guy or don’t really want to hurt your feelings.”

Spira adds that if they never initiate texts, this can also be a sign they aren’t really feeling it. “When someone isn’t that into you, they’ll respond to your texts but will rarely initiate them, unless they’re canceling or postponing plans. This behavior shows that a relationship is one-sided and unbalanced,” she explains.

02

THEY DON’T MAKE SOLID PLANS TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

Does it seem like they talk about meeting up but never actually make plans to follow through? If so, Chong says that’s a sign their feelings for you aren’t as strong as you deserve. “I see this happen a lot when people are interested enough to want to meet you, but only if it’s convenient for them. The problem is, it’s never convenient! And they want you to wait till it is by giving you the hope of a meetup,” she says. “This is someone who doesn’t have time in their life for someone special, or doesn’t see you worth the effort of changing their schedule for.”

03

THEY STOP BEING AFFECTIONATE.

If a former cuddler suddenly stops wanting to even hold your hand, Spira says this is a telltale sign of lost interest. “When someone isn’t into you, there won’t be any PDA or very little affection. If this person used to hold your hand, hug you tight, and they show no interest in intimacy, you’re in the friend zone, or they’re hoping you’ll get the hint while they’re doing the slow fade,” she explains. “Often, someone doesn’t want to be responsible for letting you directly know they’re not feeling it, so they’ll pull away. This happens when they have the goal of hoping you’ll realize there’s no chance for romance or a meaningful relationship.” On the upside, that hand they’re no longer holding is now free to wave “buh-bye” to them more easily.

04

THEY MAKE A POINT OF SAYING THEY DON’T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

When someone tells you they aren’t interested in a relationship, believe them, says Chong. That’s because either they mean it, or it’s a way of saying they just aren’t feeling that kind of connection with you. “It’s already one-sided, and hanging out is very different from actually dating. Also, you might be in a situationship, which is a no-commitment romantic relationship,” says Chong. “This is a person who’s telling you that you’re great, but you’re just not that great to the point where you take priority in their lives. Or more painfully, you’re great, but you’re just not the one. But until they find that one, they want all of your benefits without any of the responsibility.”

While it’s not fun to realize someone isn’t into you, particularly if you’ve developed feelings for them, recognizing the signs can ultimately save you a lot of heartbreak in the end because it allows you to take action. If it’s someone you’ve been dating and you want to see if there’s a chance of salvaging the relationship, Spira suggests talking to them about what you’re noticing and feeling. “Schedule time to speak, and ask this person if their feelings have changed, or if they prefer to be friends. It provides them with an out, but gives you a clear answer and the opportunity to spend time with someone who thinks you’re the prize,” she says.

And if it’s someone new who you haven’t formed a bond with yet, Chong says to do yourself a favor and cut them loose. “Walk away at once. The inability of someone to like or love you is out of your hands. All you have to know is that they’re not that into you. The reason usually doesn’t matter. And because they’re not that into you, you aren’t into them, too,” she advises. And you deserve so much better.

Experts cited:

Cherlyn Chong, a dating and breakup recovery coach for professional women

Julie Spira, online dating expert and author of Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on July 14, 2021.

4 Signs Someone’s Just Not That Into You (Elite Daily) — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

“I WAS BORN IN A QUEER GENERATION”

My greatest fear when I started questioning was, are my peers going to accept me? I was raised thinking that it is dirty to be attracted to women and I was judged when I ever showed even the mildest interest in them as a kid. Almost every person in the LGBTQ community goes through the same thing and sometimes it is rooted in how they are treated at home or in their community. While I am not out to my Gen X family, I am to my friends and others that I trust. While I know I won’t be completely accepted by my older family, I am proud that I live in a generation that will.

The article below is titled “New Survey Finds Gen Z More Likely to Be LGBTQ+ Than Past Generations’’ from Out Magazine. The statistics of the survey shows an overwhelming greater percentage of Gen Z being not straight and identifying outside of the binary compared to Baby Boomers.

— Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

A recent survey has found Gen Z folks are far more likely to be LGBTQ+ than their older counterparts, and also found Americans’ views overall reflect a surprisingly progressive outlook on LGBTQ+ issues like marriage equality.

The internet survey from global data firm Ipsos queried more than 19,000 people in 27 countries across the globe who had reached the legal age of consent in their country but were 74 years old or younger. The results found that respondents in Generation Z (those born in 1997 or later) were twice as likely to identify as non-straight than their over-40 counterparts, and were four times more likely to identify as trans, nonbinary, genderfluid, or something other than a traditional binary identity.

“On average, across the 27 countries surveyed, those who identify as transgender, non-binary, non-conforming, genderfluid, or other than male or female make up 4% of Gen Z compared to 1% among all adults,” the report read. “Younger adults are also significantly more likely to identify differently from heterosexual and to say they are equally attracted to both sexes.”

The survey found that 4 percent of Gen Z respondents identify as transgender, non-binary, non-conforming, genderfluid, or “in another way” while 68 percent identify as straight, 4 percent identify as gay, lesbian, or homosexual, and 9 percent identify as bisexual.

In comparison, less than 1 percent of Baby Boomers (born 1946 to 1964) identify as something other than binary, 87 percent identify as straight, 1 percent as gay, 2 percent as bisexual, and 1 percent in another way.

Despite the differences between Baby Boomers and Gen Z, the survey overall found widespread support in the U.S. for marriage equality, (75 percent agree, 15 percent oppose) child adoption for LGBTQ+ families (72 percent agree, 22 percent oppose), and laws banning LGBTQ+ discrimination (60 percent agree, 21 percent oppose). Opinions on trans athletes competing in sports in accordance with their true gender depends greatly on party affiliation. A plurality of Democrats support trans athletes (42 percent support, 11 percent oppose) while an overwhelming majority of Republicans oppose (75 percent oppose, 11 percent support).

Additionally, 57 percent of U.S. respondents said they have a relative, friend, or coworker who is gay or lesbian, 30 percent know someone who is bisexual, 14 percent know someone who is transgender, and 14 percent know someone who is non-binary, genderfluid, or non-conforming.

The survey weighted responses to reflect a more accurate sample of individual countries. Accuracy ranges from +/- 3.5 percent for countries with 1000 respondents (e.g. United States, Australia, Germany) and +/- 4.5 percent for countries with 500 respondents (e.g. Argentina, Mexico, Russia). The full survey can be found at the Ipsos website, here!

THIS STORY HAS BEEN SOURCED FROM A THIRD PARTY. SINGLE TO SHAADI ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ITS DEPENDABILITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, RELIABILITY AND DATA OF THE TEXT. SINGLE TO SHAADI RESERVES THE SOLE RIGHT TO ALTER, DELETE OR REMOVE THE CONTENT.

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 27, 2021.

Original article: https://www.out.com/news/2021/6/09/new-survey-finds-gen-z-more-likely-be-lgbtq-past-generations

New Survey Finds Gen Z More Likely to Be LGBTQ+ Than Past Generations — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

This past semester, I made a speech for one of my classes. The assignment was to talk about an artifact from a culture I am part of that has shaped me into the person I am today. Most people would choose something related to their heritage, I could have done the same but I chose to focus on a topic that was in the forefront of my mind at the time. It was something that I didn’t even realize I was struggling with for years. It was kind of nice to put everything I felt into words, even if I did write it the night before the presentation. It was like putting a letter in a bottle and throwing it into the ocean.

We are currently living in a world where people are actively trying to topple over the patriarchy. Rigid gender structure has been prevalent in society for centuries and is actively being broken down little by little. Gender specific behaviors are no longer reserved for only people with that specific birth assignment.

As a woman, I feel like I’ve been victimized by old fashioned gender norms. Whether that be at home, by my family, at school, my friends, or through social media. I have been told I have to be feminine whether it’s through my clothing, behavior, or how I see my future. I was taught to speak softly, sit properly, and dress girly, to the point where I felt like I was being emotionally blackmailed.

Makeup has been something that has filled many people’s definitions of what it means to be feminine. I am fortunate to be attending a university where it’s accepted to have mixed gender expression and an individual’s decision to wear makeup or not does not ostracize them from the community. There are people who embrace makeup and there are people who reject it.

“A bit more on my personal journey with my gender expression and how it was influenced by the way I was raised and the culture I was surrounded by.”

As I have said before, I am a woman. Throughout my life, I was constantly told to keep my hair long and wear dresses. While I was female I didn’t like it and questioned if I even wanted to be female. I was living in constant conflict. The culture at home was conservative but my school community was liberal. This all led to a desire to get out of the strict box of just feminine or just masculine. And then I noticed other people like me.

I noticed them in my school and on social media. I started to question why body hair, clothing and accessories define someone’s gender. I saw people choosing to do what they wanted with their bodies and taking control. This gave me some courage to try to do that on my own.

An important artifact in something I call female culture, a man made culture that society has created, is makeup. Traditionally, girls are told to wear it for multiple reasons: to attract the male gaze, cover up flaws, and create this perfect image. It is used to hide away any insecurities. This was part of the culture I lived in and it created this expectation that women are dolls or decorations instead of actual human beings.

A lot of people reject this because they don’t want to feed into the collective idea that makeup makes you more of a woman. But on the other hand, it’s seen as an art form, and there are people who embrace it to the point where makeup becomes an empowering tool. I love that in diverse communities it’s culturally acceptable to choose whether you want to wear makeup on a daily basis, sometimes, or at all or not.

“Makeup represents a lot of different things to me”

Makeup represents toxic femininity but also empowerment and artistic expression. However, a large part of this simply depends on the person. Personally, I reject the daily use of makeup in defiance that women are supposed to be dolled up all the time, however I sometimes embrace it to be loud and bold, because it can both feel good and be fun.

In the future, I want to find a balance between being a little bit masculine, especially with my clothing and mannerisms, but also staying a bit feminine. I want to be able to express that not only in my community at school but also with my family. I also want to pursue an artistic career that can be influenced by my mixed expression. And that is where makeup comes into play.

So, to wrap up my rant on my gender expression, makeup may have been culturally glued to the societal perceptions of femininity for the past century, but now it’s acceptable in many cultures and communities to choose what you want to do with your gender. There are people who have rejected makeup and people who have embraced it. The use or lack of empowers one’s own perception of gender.

What I have learned about myself through my own journey is that my gender expression is very fluid. I believe you should not listen to how other people define it. Come up with your own definition, because at the end of the day all that really matters is that you’re comfortable in your own skin.

— Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 24, 2021.

Makeup does not define my gender — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

Even if your person matches your energy and you both vibe on the same wavelength, there are bound to be problems that arise in a relationship well into marriage. Relationships take work. There is no hiding from that truth. But that doesn’t mean that they are doomed. Learning the right skills to tackle these problems gracefully will ensure a long lasting and healthy relationship.

Whether it is scheduling sex into your busy schedule or apologizing the right way. The article below titled “No Joke, These 5 Marriage Tips Have Kept Us Out of Divorce Court Over the Last 10 Years” by PureWow gives us the perfect little mental toolkit for when we encounter issues in our relationships.

— Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

To the perfect couple who claims their relationship is easy, we counter with: lies! All lies! Relationships take work. For some, that effort might come a bit more naturally, making it seem easy. But for the majority of us, the game of maintaining happiness in a long-term union is no simple feat, which is why over the last ten years of PureWow (yep, it’s our ten-year anni!), we’ve been covering helpful marriage advice from all the experts and real-life experiences we can get our hands on. Here are five tips that have literally kept our marriages alive the last decade.

1. Practice the 5:1 Ratio

It’s normal to fight. But it’s how you fight that will determine whether your relationship is doomed or strong enough to last. According to a study from the Gottman Institute, the most compelling predictor of whether couples would stay together is the ratio of positive to negative interactions. This is the 5:1 ratio -for every time you say your husband doesn’t read to the kids enough, you also offer five (or more) positive interactions. Those might be a kiss, a compliment, a joke, a moment of intentional listening, a signal of empathy and so on.

How to do it in practice: It sounds silly, but when you’re a rookie in the fighting fair game, try to count. You can even use your fingers to keep track. No need to hide it from your partner-they should be counting too.

2. Learn your love language

In his book The 5 Love Languages, marriage counselor and author Gary Chapman argues that everybody communicates love in one of five ways-words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. (Some even argue there’s a sixth love language: social media.) Understanding how each partner communicates love and receives love will open the doors to intimacy and closeness.

How to do it in practice: Don’t know what your love language is? Take this quiz to find out! (And then send the link to your partner.)

3. Talk about and schedule sex

In the beginning, you lived by the words of sex symbol himself, Elvis: “A little less conversation, a little more action, please.” But if you’re in it for the long-haul-we’re talking years, baby-the spontaneity, attraction and desire waxes and wanes. This is where being explicit about your needs and wants are absolutely important. Open the lines of communication about sex. Talk about what you want and listen to your partner’s wants. It might even come down to penciling it in. Even when we’re in love and attracted to our partners, our day-to-day grind can be exhausting. Permission granted to put a sex date on your Google Cal. Psst: If you’re working from home, no one said a little day sex was out of the question…

How to do it in practice: Relationship expert Jenna Birch guides us on how to talk it out. For example: “If you’d love to have sex three times a week, but your partner prefers once a week, then you should aim for middle ground. And you have to actually work toward that number, so talk about what will make twice-a-week sex manageable for you.”

4. Spend quality time…apart

A long marriage or relationship inherently means you’re going to be spending lots of QT together. But the one thing people in happy relationships do every week? They split off. Time apart gives each individual in the relationship a better sense of self and a more comprehensive, three-dimensional identity that exists outside of the partnership. This gives you fulfillment, as opposed to de-selfing, which can slowly corrode a relationship. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

How to do it in practice: Stop faking a passion for your partner’s hobbies. Writes former PureWow editor Grace Hunt: “Free time is sacred-and it doesn’t make you a weaker unit not to share it….For years, we endured each other’s respectively deplorable pastimes under the guise that we would be a lesser couple if we didn’t. But now, we’ve resolved to extract ourselves from the other’s activities. And you better believe we’re boatloads happier for it.” Yes, consider this permission to stop pretending you enjoy watching football.

5. Apologize the right way

“I’m sorry if you felt that way.” “I’m sorry that happened.” “I’m sorry, but you started it.” Sound familiar? These are fauxpologies-statements of blame masked as apologies. We’re all guilty of them because it’s difficult as hell to accept ownership over our behavior that hurts a loved one. But apologizing the wrong way doesn’t heal your relationship. Instead, the wounds you leave to fester will wind up coming back to haunt you in the long run.

How to do it in practice: Follow these three steps for apologizing in a healing and positive way:

1. Acknowledge how your action affected the other person
2. Say you’re sorry
3. Describe what you’re going to do to make it right or make sure it doesn’t happen again. Don’t excuse or explain.

THIS STORY HAS BEEN SOURCED FROM A THIRD PARTY. SINGLE TO SHAADI ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ITS DEPENDABILITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, RELIABILITY AND DATA OF THE TEXT. SINGLE TO SHAADI RESERVES THE SOLE RIGHT TO ALTER, DELETE OR REMOVE THE CONTENT.

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 21, 2021.

Original article: https://www.purewow.com/wellness/best-marriage-tips

No Joke, These 5 Marriage Tips Have Kept Us Out of Divorce Court Over the Last 10 Years (PureWow) —… was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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One of my biggest goals in college is to explore and figure out my sexuality. I have also been trying to figure out where I stand on the whole relationship thing. The journey is far from over but I have already come to question monogamy. One thing I know for sure is that I like having meaningful relationships with people and I wouldn’t mind if they go beyond friendships. Rejecting multiple guys who wanted relationships this past year has made me realize that being in a monogamous relationship, at least at this stage in my life, would suffocate me.

The narrative below titled “Polyamory Has Taught Me a Lot About Life (and Myself)” from The Doe shares a personal experience with polyamory and how it comes with its challenges. Jealousy is still in play no matter how ok you are with an open relationship. But it can have its benefits as well. The author paints it as having variety in your life. No one listens to only one genre of music or has only one friend. We have a variety of these things so for the author, that ideology extends to their romantic and sexual relationships. I personally don’t think that polyamorous relationships are for everyone. But I can’t deny the benefits for those who can handle it.

-Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

Having multiple partners isn’t just fun. It also takes confronting hard truths.

You may have read recently that Willow Smith has come out as polyamorous. As the young cultural icon herself explained, polyamory-sometimes called consensual non-monogamy or ethical non-monogamy-is an arrangement between a couple that they can become romantically and sexually involved with other people.

I have been in a poly relationship for seven years now. When I first raised the possibility of seeing other people with my long-term male partner, I was in my early 20s and we had been together for three years.

“ Despite knowing all this, when he first told me that he had been with another woman I was gut-wrenchingly devastated.”

Monogamy Doesn’t Make Sense

I argued that the central promise of monogamy is a lie and that by buying into it we degrade our own critical thinking and shrink the possibilities of our lives. The promise of monogamy is that that if you form a contractual agreement with your partner that you will not have sex with or act on any feelings of attraction to another person, then the two of you are saved from loneliness, despair and jealousy. You will be together as partners and comrades, and the agony of dating and the terror of singledom will no longer be the scourge in your life that it once was.

A cursory glance at separation and divorce statistics makes for a salutary lesson in this regard. High incidences of infidelity are a reminder that monogamy does not come easily, and anthropological arguments suggest that it may not even come naturally.

My partner and I discussed how many other harmful ideologies are passed down to us by way of tradition, like white supremacy, misogyny, hatred of fatness, hatred of poor people and the imperative to define ourselves by what we buy and what job we have. We pride ourselves on dissecting these ways of thinking, assessing the evidence and coming to our own conclusions. Why should monogamy be any different?

These conversations were fraught and frightening. “I want to see other people” is a very difficult thing to say and an even more difficult thing to hear. We have been trained to believe that this means we’re in jeopardy, that our relationship must be failing and that we are no longer attractive or lovable. My partner’s masculinized ideas about owning the rights to my body came to the fore, since it was the thought of me being with men, not women, that hurt him so much.

But ask yourself, what diseased notion of love would have us believe that by forbidding someone from making meaningful connections with other people, we can prove that they really love us? In fact, it is by knowing that we are free to choose anyone else at any time, and yet keep coming back to each other, that shows a real connection-one based on freedom and trust, not fear and control.

In what other realm of our lives would a monogamous arrangement be acceptable? One of the great joys of our friendships is the variety of people we can know and learn from and share with. Indeed, research shows us that a diverse social life is a core predictor of longevity. It is the variety in our diets that protects and vitalizes our health. It is the range of music, the different styles of art, the diversity of our book collection that enriches our lives.

And yet, despite knowing all this, when he first told me that he had been with another woman I was gut-wrenchingly devastated.I sat down on the floor, the wind knocked out of me. I cried and then felt deeply embarrassed by my reaction. I felt rage at him (How could you do this to me?), I felt fury at myself (Why have you invited this onto yourself, but also, why aren’t you woke enough to deal with it?) and I felt anger at a cultural context that had taught me to have this reaction.

Jealousy of a partner is a poison which has been drip-fed into our cultural diet through every romantic comedy we have seen, every news headline of an “INFIDELITY SHOCKER,” and all the archaic religious hangings-on of the sanctity of marriage, rooted in women as property.

Our Relationship Has Room for Multiple Partners, but Not My Ego

Two years ago I met my girlfriend. One of the key draws of a poly relationship for me is that I am queer, and being in a straight-presenting relationship felt like a loss of something important to me. She’s seven years younger than me, and I’m in my late 20s, so the age difference is sometimes quite palpable.

It is difficult to understand if some of the problems we encounter are because of our poly arrangements (she also has a boyfriend), or because of our age difference (I am frustrated at her childish tendency to manipulate and play the victim rather than to communicate with confidence and clarity) or because our personalities are simply not compatible (I am emotionally aloof and do not tolerate anything that feels like manufactured drama).

I am jealous of her boyfriend. This is ridiculous because I have a fiancé and a shared history with him going back a decade. My girlfriend and her boyfriend spend a lot more time together than she does with me. She tells me how much she loves me and how special our relationship is. I feel the same way about her. I continue to be jealous of her boyfriend.

I think things like, “If you love me so much, why did you ask your boyfriend to go to the seaside with you instead of me?” I think things like this despite the fact that if she had asked me, I would not have gone, because I was too busy with work. She knew this, which is why she didn’t ask me. I am ridiculous and pathetic. This is quite a fun and refreshing realization in a contemporary moment that is obsessed with projecting toxic positivity and a veneer of performed self-esteem.

“ We need variety to make a good life. “

Polyamory Isn’t the Answer

I was a strange and bookish child, like Wednesday Addams but blonde. When I was eight years old I started writing an instructional guide on the meaning of life. This pensive tendency has stayed with me into my adulthood and has led me to experiment with many different things in an effort to understand what is going on, why I feel so weird and what to do about it.

Drugs are not the answer, travel is not, solitude is not-neither is company, working, writing, illustrating or performance art. Polyamory isn’t the answer either. Perhaps though, they are all little pieces of the answer and, just as the core message of polyamory teaches, we need variety to make a good life.

THIS STORY HAS BEEN SOURCED FROM A THIRD PARTY. SINGLE TO SHAADI ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ITS DEPENDABILITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, RELIABILITY AND DATA OF THE TEXT. SINGLE TO SHAADI RESERVES THE SOLE RIGHT TO ALTER, DELETE OR REMOVE THE CONTENT.

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 18, 2021.

Polyamory Has Taught Me a Lot About Life (and Myself) (The Doe) — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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It is a common belief that in order for a romantic relationship to be healthy, a couple must have sex. Even I believed that intimacy required sex. While that can play a role in it for some people. It doesn’t always have to. There can be many reasons why sex isn’t a necessity for some people whether that is an individual’s lack of sexual desire or for health reasons. And if you love someone enough, their desire or ability to have sex will not matter just as long as you can be with them.

The narrative below titled “My Wife and I Are Living in a Sexless Marriage” from The Doe shares an anonymous man’s story as he lives in a sexless yet loving and romantically satisfying relationship with his wife who has chronic pain. They can’t have sex anymore and he is ok with that because he would chose his wife over anything in the world. They are definitely relationship goals.

-Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

A HUSBAND RELATES HOW HE AND HIS WIFE — WHO HAS CHRONIC PAIN — ADJUST TO A SEXLESS MARRIAGE:

The other night in bed my wife gazed into my eyes and then recoiled in horror.

“Your eyebrows!” she said. “What has happened!?”

It’s all too true; over the last couple weeks it seems like my eyebrows have reached some sort of hideous aging threshold and have turned into old man bushy ape-brows, all thick and bristly and intense. I waggled them suggestively.

“On the downside, my eyebrows are repulsive,” I said. “But, on the upside, you need never have sex with me again!”

My wife laughed, because even after twenty years and the unfortunate eyebrow situation, she still thinks I’m kind of funny. Also, she laughed because what I said was true: We are not doing much of the sex. I can’t honestly even remember the last time we had sex. There was, I think, a handjob in the last six months. Actual full-on sexy sexing with penetration and thrusting and all-over a year. Maybe more.

The sex death of our universe is not, in fact, about my eyebrows. It’s not because we’ve grown apart, either, or because my wife does not understand me, or because she understands me all too well.

It’s mostly because she has chronic pain issues.

Over the last few years, her occasional migraines have stopped being occasional, and become an every day, twice on Sundays-sometimes more than twice on Sundays-gauntlet of pain and despair. Cannabis helps, but, despite a lot of doctor’s visits, she hasn’t gotten much relief. Working is difficult. Sex is more difficult than that.

“I WOULD BE LYING IF I SAID I DIDN’T MISS SEX”

How to Survive a Sexless Marriage in a Culture That Claims It’s Impossible

I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss sex. Like most couples, we did a lot of fornicating early in our relationship, back when our eyebrows were young and new and filled with concupiscence. She had to get her clitoris ring out because my penis was too large and too often inserted for clitoris ring comfort. I fisted her so often that her vaginal juices exacerbated my eczema. Police chastised us for making out in my car. There may have been light bondage. We may have hired a sex worker, because my wife may be bi. There were fluids and dirty talk and embarrassing hickeys and general naughtiness. It was fun. It gave us stories to tell our grandchildren. Or rather, stories to adamantly not tell our grandchildren.

And then we had a kid, and got older and creakier and more boring, and the sex faded into the background-until my wife’s migraines finally put a stake through its heart for good.

Our culture is constantly telling me that that stake through the heart of the fucking is also a stake through the heart of our marriage. Novels and television shows and relationship advice columns assure me that if the passion has gone, someone is going to start to cheat, and soon there will be tears and bitterness and drama. My wife will notice my eczema flaring up and suspect. I will hit the wall in rage like Adam Driver, but, you know, with bushier eyebrows and less brooding appeal. And then we’ll have to hire lawyers and start divvying up the books and the cats and the large dog and the large high-schooler.

It’s true that the future is always in motion, and you never know when you’re going to turn into Adam Driver. But, overall, divorce and moving out seem pretty unlikely, and not just because of the difficulty of assignations under lockdown. (Not to mention the difficulty of moving out.)

“ THERE IS NO ONE I WOULD RATHER LAUGH WITH ABOUT NOT HAVING SEX. ”

Staying Faithful in a Sexless Marriage Is Easy When You Love Your Partner as Much as I Do

My sex drive hasn’t disappeared. But that’s why God invented masturbation and, shortly thereafter, internet porn. It’s not necessarily an ideal solution in every way, but the fact that our basement floods semi-regularly isn’t ideal in every way either. Not everything in a marriage or in a life is going to be perfect bliss.

Different people are different, of course, and how much, and what kind of imperfect bliss you can reconcile yourself to varies wildly. Some people, I’m sure, would find a sexless marriage intolerable, just as some people would find a polyamorous marriage intolerable, or a kink-less marriage-or what have you. I don’t think anyone is bad or immoral for wanting more sex in their marriage, or for feeling they can’t adjust to a sexless marriage.

But I do resent all the cultural scripts that tell me that I’m boring or broken or that my marriage is doomed because I’m not fucking enough. I’m all for normalizing kink, but we should also be willing to normalize kink-lessness. Lots of sex isn’t a moral failure, weird sex isn’t a moral failure, and not having sex isn’t a moral failure. The amount and kind of sex you have doesn’t have to define a relationship. Or a marriage.

Because, clitoris ring or no clitoris ring, I love my wife. She’s my sweetheart still; the person who I want to lie down beside each night and my cuddle partner. There is no one I would rather laugh with about not having sex. We’ve been together for more than two decades, and we’ve had maybe two fights in all that time. We share cats, we share books, we share the large high schooler. I still make her laugh, and vice versa. Sex just isn’t the most important thing. If I’m given the choice of sex with someone else or no sex with my wife, it wouldn’t be close. I’d choose my wife every time. And I do so every day.

THIS STORY HAS BEEN SOURCED FROM A THIRD PARTY. SINGLE TO SHAADI ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY OR LIABILITY FOR ITS DEPENDABILITY, TRUSTWORTHINESS, RELIABILITY AND DATA OF THE TEXT. SINGLE TO SHAADI RESERVES THE SOLE RIGHT TO ALTER, DELETE OR REMOVE THE CONTENT.

Original article: https://www.thedoe.com/narratives/living-in-sexless-marriage

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 16, 2021.

My Wife and I Are Living in a Sexless Marriage (The Doe) — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

As someone who spent an entire semester trying to figure out my sexuality, to have a gender identity crisis thrown in, only to be more confused by the end of it, I say it is time for us to forget about labels for a minute and just vibe together this pride month. Let us put aside our pronouns and sexual identities for a second. Let’s just get up and dance. And I have the perfect playlist for pride month that we can jam to.

Katy Perry, “I Kissed A Girl” (2008)

This song can mean different things depending on the person listening. It can either be taken as a silly song about a crazy night at the club or one that suggests that there could be something more meaningful behind a girl kissing another girl. It touches on ‘bisexual experimentation’ and this idea that a girl can have a boyfriend but still be attracted to girls.

Lady Gaga, “Born This Way” (2011)

In Gaga’s words on Instagram, this song and album was “inspired by Carl Bean, a gay black religious activist who preached, sung and wrote about being ‘Born This Way.’” Late last month, Gaga accepted the key to West Hollywood on May 23rd on what is now “Born This Way Day.” She addressed the crowd with love on a crosswalk painting on Robertson Boulevard as a tribute to the LGBTQ community.

Panic At the Disco!, “Girls / Girls / Boys” (2013)

This song is about a man who is attracted to a bisexual girl who is trying to pose as straight to save her reputation. But throughout the song, the bands lead singer, Brendan Urie explains how love is not a choice and that the girl should not pose as straight to appease society. Instead, she should only get with the guy if she is genuinely attracted to him. It also throws subtle comments on how fluid sexuality is and that a person does not have to choose one gender to be attracted to.

Sara Bareilles, “Brave” (2013)

Bareilles wrote this song for a friend who was having trouble coming out as an adult. The song encourages us to have the courage to be ourselves. That can mean loving who you want, wearing what you want, or identifying however you desire. That can also mean exploration and change from the normal. It simply tells you to be brave in anything you do and bravery is the embodiment of pride in 2021. While this is all easier said than done, the message is meant to inspire and even if it makes an impact in a small way, it serves its purpose. Also, the song is a fun bop that I always come back to as a way to boost my mood.

RuPaul, “Sissy That Walk” (2014)

‘Femme Queens,’ as RuPaul calls it, strutting down the runway and feeling themselves gives me so much joy. Drag is the epitome of fearless self expression and the amount of confidence on the runway is the amount I strive to have in life in general. Sissy has been used as a derogatory word in the past. But like many slurs used against the LGBTQ community in the past, it has been turned over and reclaimed in a positive way. ‘Sissy that walk’ is a phrase that basically means it does not matter who you are, you need to walk like a bad bitch.

Lana Del Ray, “God Bless America — And All The Beautiful Women In It” (2017)

This song captures the love and admiration that Del Ray and I share in common. It is the perfect twist on the American classic ‘God Bless America’ and takes patriotism for America to a whole new level. Not only does the song display Del Ray’s enthrallment for women but it paints America as a country of strong, beautiful and versatile women.

Lana Del Rey, “Lust For Life” (2017)

I had to throw in another Del Ray song. Sexual Empowerment is a huge part of Del Rey’s music and that is what June is all about. Lust is usually perceived as a shameful and negative thing. Even today, there is a huge taboo around casual sex. But the reality is that sex is a healthy activity to engage in. And if that means lustful relationships and casual sex for you, you should embrace that.

Mitski, “Nobody” (2018)

This song represents the yearning for a lover and in the LGBTQ community it can be difficult to meet potential love interests. This is especially the case for those living in communities that are not liberal and accepting. Not as many people are out and it can be scary to make a step forward for change. So this song is one that many of us can relate to. If you are someone who cannot meet others due to your sexuality or gender identity, just know that you are not alone.

Todrick Hall, “Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels” (2019)

This is the song about being that bitch and I am here for it because Hall is 100 percent THAT BITCH. My favorite line from this song has to be ‘I don’t play, I slay’ and honestly that is what we are all out here doing. Every single person in the LGBTQ community is slaying whether they are out, questioning or still in the closet. We all have our struggles yet we are still standing and supporting each other in different ways.

Lil Nas X, “MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)” (2021)

Would it really be pride month if I did not include this song? Lil Nas may have gotten a lot of hate for the music video and the wild display of his sexuality but he really put on a show and I was all for it. This song and the media surrounding it shows that there are still people who hate art representing LGBTQ nowadays they have no way to stop us from expressing ourselves and taking space in the creative industries.

-Gauri Jain / Contributing Author

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 14, 2021.

10 Songs For Your Pride Playlist — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

| Single to Shaadi

Let’s talk about literature. Literature, whether that is books, poetry, or essays, can be used as portals into other worlds. Sometimes they take you to places that aren’t real or ones that are just across the globe. Wherever it is, literature has the power to inspire, educate and change. But I think the most important use for literature is to assess the time we live in. It’s not that hard to see what was going on during a specific time period by looking at the books published then. Was there heavy censorship? Was there representation of minorities? Can we read about different sides of the political spectrum? Can you get a thorough view of all the voices present during that time or is one voice dominating the others?

I wonder what people 50 years down the line will think of this generation when they read the books published right now. Will they see the rise in people actively trying to topple the patriarchy? Will they hear the voices of the underrepresented trying to scream louder than they ever have before? My hope is that our kids and grandkids will hear our demands for more than just tolerance of the growing queerness in the world. I want them to hear our demands for acceptance and love for it. I think the best way to do that is to start by reading this article titled “12 South Asian books to read for Pride Month” by Huffington Post. The next step is to then read about all the queer love, sex and adversity there is in the South Asian community.

-Anokhi Ladhani / Contributing Author

12 South Asian Books To Read For Pride Month

A book for every month of the year-consider this your starter kit for LGBTQ literature by South Asian writers.

By Harsimran Gill
06/15/2019

Queer literature in the Indian subcontinent goes back a long way, as established by scholars Ruth Vanita and Saleem Kidwai, who collected over 2,000 years of Indian writing on same-sex love and desire drawn from Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim and modern fictional traditions, in their seminal book, Same-Sex Love in India.

But the past couple of decades, especially, have seen a staggering proliferation of modern queer writing, cutting across genres-memoirs, novels, essays, poetry, ethnographies, short stories and graphic narratives. While this rise has been mostly concentrated in India, other countries in the region have also witnessed an increase in representation. Pride Climbing Higher, an anthology of writings by LGBTQ people in Nepal was published in 2015. This month, the publication of The Carpet Weaver, a gay novel by Afghan writer Nemat Sadat has fiction readers already excited.

“Funny Boy” by Shyam Selvadurai

As communities across the globe celebrate all things queer in June, here is a list of 12 books-we aren’t all that big on Pride Month in South Asia so it’s only fitting to have a book for every month of the year-consider this your starter kit for LGBTQ literature by South Asian writers.

Born in Colombo to a Sinhalese mother and a Tamil father, Shyam Selvadurai and his family were forced to leave Sri Lanka and migrate to Canada in the aftermath of the ethnic riots of 1983. In 1994, the writer published his debut novel, Funny Boy, partly based on his memories of growing up as a young gay man in a time of conflict.

Arjie Chelvaratnam, the novel’s eponymous “funny boy”, is part of a wealthy family in Colombo, is attracted to boys and does not conform to the rigid codes of masculinity that are expected of him. Told through six stories, we witness Arjie’s recognition of his sexual identity, the first flushes of love and the eccentricities of his extended family as tensions simmer and the characters hurtle towards inevitable tragedy.

“The Truth About Me: A Hijra Life Story” by A Revathi, Translated by V. Geetha

A deeply sensitive and intimate coming-of-age story, a novel about the peculiar vagaries, joys and sorrows of a childhood that deviates from the norm turns into a vividly realized portrayal of a land torn apart by violence in Selvadurai’s deft hands. A film adaptation by Deepa Mehta is slated to go into production this year so we can expect the already beloved novel to attract a whole new generation of readers.

Revathi is an immediately recognisable face in LGBTQ circles in India. The Tamil activist and writer has worked relentlessly for the rights of sexual and gender minorities, is a theatre actor, and also played a role in the Tamil film, Thenavattu. But Bengaluru-based Revathi remains best known for a striking autobiographical account of her life as a transgender woman.

From descriptions of her childhood in a village in Salem in Tamil Nadu, marked by a strong and early dissonance with the gender assigned to her at birth, to her eventual escape from her birth family to a hijra household, Revathi’s memoir is unflinching and captivating and charts an extraordinary quest to lead a life of dignity.

“Trying to Grow” by Firdaus Kanga

Published nearly two decades ago, Firdaus Kanga’s novel tells the story of Brit (short for “brittle”) Kotwal, born with Osteogenesis imperfecta, a condition that leaves him with bones and teeth as fragile as glass. Brit grows up in the heart of Bombay in a music-loving Parsi family that learns early on to stop attempting to “fix” his condition but instead let him experience the best life possible, one imbued with literature, music, love and sex.

Heavily inspired by his own life, Kanga spins the semi-autobiographical novel with an irreverent and barbed authenticity. Even as Brit discovers his attraction to men, all the while living with a disability, he rejects any attempts to be viewed as a victim or an object of pity. What you get instead is a no-holds-barred, brutally honest and often wickedly funny account of a boy’s convoluted journey to adulthood.

“Yaraana: Gay Writing from South Asia”, edited by Hoshang Merchant

Edited by the iconic poet Hoshang Merchant, Yaraana, published in 1999, takes pride of place as the first South Asian anthology of writing about male homosexual desire. “Literature has no sex,” Hoshang Merchant writes in the introduction to the book, “There is only good writing and bad writing. India’s homosexuals have produced a lot of good writing, over the centuries a veritable feast.”

These writings take the form of poems, autobiographical accounts, short stories and excerpts from novels, with contributors ranging from Vikram Seth and Bhupen Kakkar to Mahesh Dattani and R. Raja Rao.

Some of the pieces in this anthology may not land as much of a punch as when they were first published, but this trailblazing book is an integral part of the South Asian queer literary canon.

The Fabulous Feminist by Suniti Namjoshi

Suniti Namjoshi is a writer who needs to be read more widely. The wildly imaginative author has been writing deliciously clever, subversive spins on fables for decades. Bringing together the best of her stories, The Fabulous Feminist is a delight-funny, dark, moving, occasionally shocking and bursting with originality. In the queer feminist writer’s world, Beast is not a nobleman but a woman (“that’s why her love for Beauty was so monstrous”), gender is based on the role that an individual wants to play and the moralising of classical fables is substituted for a complexity of lives and identities that rejects easy answers.

“Cobalt Blue” by Sachin Kundalkar, Translated by Jerry Pinto

An enigmatic paying guest becomes the object of affection for siblings Tanay and Anjuna in director and screenwriter Sachin Kundalkar’s evocative novel about love, desire and heartbreak. Translated from Marathi, Cobalt Blue is told in two halves, from the perspective of both siblings, who are consumed by their adoration of the mysterious man their parents have taken on a boarder. Tender and spare, Cobalt Blue is a quietly devastating meditation on the transformative power of love, regardless of sexuality.

“Marriage of A Thousand Lies” by SJ Sindu

SJ Sindu’s debut novel pulls back the curtain on a “marriage of convenience”, an open secret that is prevalent particularly within South Asian communities. Lucky, a lesbian, is married to Krishna, a gay man, a decision they’ve taken to appease their conservative Sri Lankan-American families. Even as they present a picture of wedded bliss to the outside world, an accident in the family takes Lucky back to her childhood home, leading her to reconnect with Nisha, her first lover, who is preparing for her own arranged marriage with a man.

The terrible secrets of families, the claustrophobic oppression of tradition and a simmering sexuality run through the novel as Sidhu brilliantly explores how queer women are viewed and treated based on their presentation of femininity.

“High Noon and the Body” by Kyla Pasha

Poet and academic Kyla Pasha has played an instrumental role in fostering an open dialogue around sexual and queer rights in Pakistan as the co-founder of Chay Magazine: Sex and Sexuality in Pakistan, South Asia and Abroad, but it is in verse that the queer feminist poet shines most brightly. High Noon and the Body, a book of poetry published in 2010, remains a mesmerising collection that merges the personal and political; love and anger; the physical and the intangible. It’s wholly original, fresh and captivating.

“The Devourers” by Indra Das

Indra Das’s speculative novel is hard to slot into easy genres — it’s gruesome, strange, primal, fantastical and stunningly imagined. Extending from the 17th Century Mughal Empire to modern day India, the novel tells the story of shape-shifters who prey on humans souls. Yet within this grotesque world, Das plays masterfully with the idea of queerness — gay sex and love stories, yes, but more profoundly, the inherent fluidity of sexual identity and gender. It may not be a novel for everyone but it’s a glorious testament to the power of storytelling when you get to create your own worlds.

“My Father’s Garden” by Hansda Sowvendra Shekhar

Sex, love, betrayal, nostalgia and identity are all mashed up in Hansda Sowvendra Shekhar’s compelling novel set in Jharkhand. Told in three parts, the unnamed protagonist in My Father’s Garden is a young Santhali doctor navigating his sexuality, his Adivasi identity, a desire for companionship, and his father’s legacy — the confounding, arduous journey of a young person trying to figure out their place in the world.

Gritty and vulnerable, the novel is at its most powerful in the first section, “Lover”, which vividly exemplifies how most male sexual relationships in India fall outside the neat boundaries of defined identities. “A kiss is for someone special,” our protagonist is told by his lover, Samir, whose relentless appetite for sex with the young doctor stops short when it comes to this final threshold of tenderness and acceptance. Shekhar’s searing novel, finally, is an interrogation, not of sexuality, but of masculinity itself.

“Loving Women: Being Lesbian in Unprivileged India” edited by Maya Sharma

A necessary correction to the predominantly urban and upper class literary depictions of homosexuality in the country, this book documents the stories of ten working class queer women across North India. Through their lives, the intricate complexities of female relationships and sexual intimacy, which do not always borrow from the familiar lexicon of being “lesbian”, are unraveled and brought into sharp focus.

The book might occasionally stray too far into the realm of the academic, but these empathetic stories demonstrate the multiplicity of women’s sexuality and the agency they grant themselves, a far cry from the simplistic narratives of victimhood that are usually bandied about.

“Mohanaswamy” by Vasudhendra, Translated by Rashmi Terdal

Celebrated Kannada author Vasundhendra waited for several years before he finally gathered the courage to publish Mohanaswamy, a collection of short stories about gay men in India. An established writer, Vasudhendra knew that the release of the autobiographical stories would mean embarking on a process of his own coming out. Coincidentally released on 11 December 2013, the day the Supreme Court of India upheld Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code criminalising gay sex (the draconian law was partially struck down on 6 September 2018), the book eventually went on to become a bestseller.

Occupying a rare space in Indian language writing that addresses homosexuality, the short stories centre on Mohanaswamy who is abandoned by his partner for a woman at the very start of the book. Through the vivid and gritty stories that follow, we glimpse the experiences, insecurities, humiliations and fears of a gay man staring down bigotry and embarking on a search for acceptance.

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Original article: https://www.huffpost.com/archive/in/entry/12-south-asian-lgbtq-books-to-read_in_5d0370dae4b0dc17ef07ddb8

Originally published at https://www.singletoshaadi.com on June 8, 2021.

12 South Asian Books To Read For Pride Month — Indian Matchmaking was originally published in Single to Shaadi on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.