Mental Illness

Off

My mind is so electric that I’m turning on all the traffic lights

Crackling and cackling my brain is wired completely wrong

It flickers and blinks, it fizzles and spits

As much as possible

Life with mental illness.

Last night I had a terrible flashback. The concert wristband that I was wearing to attend a two day music festival turned into a hospital zip tie. I woke up crying, tugging at it, unable to break free, begging my husband to save me from being…

Never

Bodies are hard and I know that recovery isn’t linear but it is so agonizing when my anorexia aggressively haunts me.

I will never be enough.

Rachel,

Please

Be kind

Sow

I can hear it.

It’s not a soft, slow motion exhale. It’s not a crashing thud followed by rumbling. It’s not fizzing or popping. It’s not cracking or flooding.

No gushing, no rushing, nothing fevered. Nothing too alarming. Nothing too jarring. No broken glass. No…

the end

The Catholic Church three blocks behind my house is setting off fireworks.

Flashes and bangs, fizzing and popping, and incessant sparkling and snapping are taking over the neighborhood.

Unsolicited Advice

Hi Young Rachel!

It’s me, Older Rachel, ya know, from the future. First off, to put your mind at ease, we do age well. In the future it becomes cool to eat lots of cheese and wear leggings. So don’t worry, we’ve totally got this.

Get up, Med up

Sometimes the second you wake up bipolar kicks you right in the teeth and you have a hallucination. But then you get up, med up, buy yourself some red lipstick, eat a cinnamon crunch bagel, and turn the day around. My illness is absolutely awful but thankfully I’m resilient as fuck ❤️ #endthestigma

Some Kind of Silence

Whispers through the wallpaper.

Plaster cracking in the hollow of your throats.

I hear whistles like breathy words. Like bird languages, long and quick, like my husband telling the dogs to come inside.

Carnivorous

When I’m crazy my thinking is chaos. I’m obsessed with my teeth. And I write like this

Embedded in my subterranean jaw is an extra molar.

And it is growing like a tumor barreling its way to the surface of my mouth all because it wants a taste.

Our Roots

Stealing our fingertips

Filleting each tender pad from each fleshy stump

Gluing this soft slice of skin discreetly upon the swaying leaves of a red-handed tree