The Problem With Red Flags Is That I’m Attracted to Them
Not every time and not with everyone.
We all have flaws, and often times those flaws can be a red flag to someone else.
My own flaws included.
Yet, for some reason, I've found myself attracted time and time again to certain red flags. The relationships work (or seem to) at first but predictably devolve into disaster.
And I’m not alone in my “red flag” attraction.
Disclaimer: This relationship pattern goes back to high school so it’s not about any one person. And just because I don’t vibe with this personal “red flag” doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with the other peopled displaying it. More than anything, it’s a personal preference.
This Is Why We Are Attracted to Red Flags
We all know what it’s like to be attracted to someone despite the fact that they come with a few “red flags.”
Red flags are signs of caution, things that we should take note of when entering into relationships. So why do we ignore these warnings and pursue people anyway?
One explanation for why we often ignore red flags is because of something called the “halo effect.”
The halo effect is the idea that our perception of one trait can be so strong that it extends to other areas, creating an overarching notion of perfection. For example, if someone is attractive then we assume they must also have great character qualities or wit.
Even when there are clear warning signs present, the initial positive impression can overshadow them and make us more likely to look past them.
Another reason why we might not pay attention to red flags is that in some cases they could signify simply a difference in values, rather than a real problem.
Perhaps two people have completely different views on something but it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t be compatible.
Like religion, reproductive rights, or politics.
You can’t sum up a person by a single metric — we are complex, multidimensional beings that can form healthy relationships despite disagreements.
Being attracted to someone with red flags could be interpreted as an attempt to fix somebody.
A way to redeem or rescue someone from their struggles.
We like feeling needed and wanted by another person and so this sense of wanting to heal or help somebody can sometimes overpower our feelings about any risks associated with the relationship.
It’s a common phenomenon that we tend to be drawn to red flags in others without any conscious thought.
It can sometimes be because of past trauma or personal shortcomings that have left us feeling vulnerable. In some cases, our own traumas and flaws can draw us towards the same negative qualities in others, creating an unhealthy cycle of toxic relationships.
It’s important to recognize these patterns to make sure we don’t get caught up in them.
It isn’t uncommon for us all to find ourselves drawn towards people who possess certain red flags; whether due to beauty, a sense of needing saving, or simple differences in values.
Despite these attractions, however, it’s important for us all not to forget why those signs were put there in the first place — as warnings.
The Problem With Red Flags Attraction
Many of us have been in a situation where we found ourselves drawn to people who, in retrospect, had all the signs of a potential problem.
We might think it’s just chemistry or a connection and ignore the red flags.
Only to find out later that these relationships were doomed from the start.
When things don’t turn out as planned, it can be easy to blame the person with the “red flag” instead of looking inward and taking responsibility for our own choices.
Red flags come in many forms.
Past baggage or personality traits that clash with yours — and often point to bigger issues down the line.
For example, someone with commitment issues is likely going to struggle with maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships in the long run.
Similarly, if someone has a history of cheating, it’s unlikely this behavior won’t resurface at some point during the relationship. Someone who does not manage themselves (their attitude and speech, for example) is little better than an adult child.
By failing to pay attention to red flags, we are essentially paving our own road toward disappointment and unhappiness down the line.
We must hold ourselves accountable for our decisions when it comes to relationships.
Acknowledging red flags upfront is key.
If we don’t take responsibility for our part in choosing someone with major red flags, then we put ourselves at great risk of constantly ending up in dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships.
To prevent making bad choices over time, we need to recognize what red flags look like early on and trust our gut instincts so we can move on before getting too invested or attached.
My Personal “Red Flag” Attraction
Now let me share my personal “red flag” attraction.
In particular, it’s an intense personality that comes across as bossy, critical, and having an attitude.
It’s this intensity that initially attracts me, but it never quite works out in the end. One of the main issues with this attraction is that it clouds my judgment in the beginning.
All too often, people are sweeter and more pleasant at first anyway.
Even when I know better, it’s like there is something inside of me that makes me think they will be different this time around. That they will prove all my assumptions wrong and show me the best version of themselves.
Only for them to do the same things each previous partner has done before them. Alas, it is my responsibility for choosing them.
After years of going through the same cycle with different people, I finally decided enough was enough.
Instead of trying to make these people fit into my life and expectations, why not just find someone whose presence is more peaceful?
Someone who doesn't feel contentious, argumentative, or brash.
Someone who is peaceful, sweet, kind, and pleasant to be around, even during a disagreement or conflict.
That's the kind of person I want in my life now.
The problem is that finding someone like this isn't necessarily easy. Just as finding someone honest, loyal, and possessing a lifetime of good character is difficult.
No one is perfect but our past decisions and choices do impact our lives.
We may not like it but it’s reality.
Final Thoughts
Ultimately, I have learned that while red flags may seem attractive at first glance, they are far from sustainable over time.
If you want a healthy relationship with yourself and with others, then focus on finding someone who brings balance and peace into your life rather than chaos and drama.
It won't always be easy but trust me when I say it'll be worth your while in the end.
Also, work on yourself and take responsibility for who you choose.
And if nothing else - give yourself permission not only to recognize those red flags but also to take action on them too.
Related posts:
- Misunderstood Strength Is Why Many Strong Women Can’t Find A Strong Man
- 4 Toxic Relationship Myths We All Keep Falling For
- 7 Subtle Signs That You’re Headed for a Messy Divorce
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