10 Harsh Truths That Give You Control Of Your Life
Forgiveness is fluid and so is moving on.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. AA
I waited too long for people to ‘see’ me and ‘help me’ and ‘rescue me’ away from my abusive situation. I must have been either a good actress or just another adult human being, because no one really came. I now realize that it must be the latter- I am an adult human being. I had a stunning realization- It is my responsibility, first, to lead the way towards what I want and how I want to be treated in life by others. I started to take stock of my life to find more ways that I could strengthen my world and I ended up with 10 truths which maybe harsh but which so far, has worked. I hope they work for you.
1. Nothing is guaranteed from anyone else. Let me rephrase this- you are entitled to have ALL manner of expectations on your own self, however, you have no right to such entitlement towards anyone else.
For instance, f you are living in abuse, many people may want to help you but they may be too ‘polite’ to cos, what if they are wrong? Again, many people living in abuse can be reactionary’ and people will be left thinking- what if they misread the situation?
As an adult, lead the way for you. You must be your first and biggest advocate. You must be the trainer of people on how to treat you and the biggest enforcer of your boundaries. Stop thinking people should intuitively get you/get it. Have the expectation on YOU to get it or get it done. Be entitled to YOU.
2. Everyone will betray you.
I don’t know about you but let me say this- you may not be prepared for it but you should accept it every time it happens- everyone will betray you. Your mentor drops you. Your BFF ghosts you. Your Love walks out. Your kid gets too busy for you. Everyone will betray you- at some point. Your biggest confidence should never be on any walking, breathing human being. Your biggest confidence and trust should be on you.
3. You cannot make someone love you.
Yes, you love them more than life. Yes, they promised you forever. Yes, they are unrepentant. Yes, it hurts. Yes they will regret leaving you. No, you cannot make them love you.
4. If people move on, turn the key.
Closure is overrated. Stop waiting around for it. It does not matter what you think you deserve. They have moved on, stop holding out. Mourn them privately and just move on.
5. No one, absolutely no one, is coming to save you.
This might sound like the first point and maybe it should. It is that important. No one is coming- if you need saving, save yourself. Run for it.
6. Forgiveness if fluid and so is healing.
There is no linear progression here. Stop thinking there is and stop expecting it. As an abuse survivor, I spent many days expecting to ‘truly forgive’ them and move on and heal. See, living is motion. Feelings can be motion too. Today you feel forgiveness and tomorrow, bile. And on and on and on until one day, you get to indifference. Be gentle with yourself and stop forcing yourself to forgive them.
7. Nothing to be grateful for? You lie.
Are you alive? Can you breathe? Can you wink? Everyone living on the surface of this earth has something to be thankful for.
Gratitude is not- when something huge happens then I will be grateful. Gratitude is not for ‘when…’. Gratitude is not to be postponed, ‘until’. Gratitude begins with practice. Be grateful in the tiny things- you killed that mosquito- it did not bite you. You drank fresh water. The headache passed. Be grateful in the tiny.
Also, learn to SEEK things to be grateful for. Make Gratitude an active life choice. The more opportunities you take to be grateful, the bigger your joy and positive outlook to life.
Read: I was in a love triangle and loved it.
8. Are you sad? I can bet with every fibre of my being that you can change(switch) your mood.
I have many things I can choose to be unhappy about. Damn, that man sure dealt with my arse. It was cruel, it was inhuman, it was unusual. The draw to spend time over and over, thinking about my years living in abuse, can be very overpowering. Those thoughts also do two things for me:
make me sad.
make me angry.
Those 2 moods can make me difficult, toxic or negative to be around.
I have lived too long in abuse to want to abuse anyone else because I keep dwelling on what I went through. I am not here to say- if I can, you can. I am tempted- forgive me. I am here though to tell you this- when the negative thoughts come, switch it out! See it as swapping out one movie for another. See it as changing the channel. Do it. Keep at it until it becomes effortless.
9. Feelings are not facts.
See the above or maybe, stay on this one. See- your feelings are valid, but that does not mean they are facts and truths to direct the cause of your life. I can feel it but I can choose to not indulge it. I hated, hated, hated my life towards the end of that abusive relationship but, there was so much at stake for me to let my feelings endanger my life or my future. I smiled when I felt angry. I laughed when I felt humiliated. I winked when I was insulted. It did not mean acceptance of what was my reality but a way to survive through to the inevitable bitter end.
Also, watch yourself to know- are negative thoughts and feelings your default/go-to thoughts? Is ‘negative’, your default mindset?
10. Say what you want. Mean what you say.
It is about focusing on what is important to you. It is about having a well defined boundary and life focus. It is also about reputation. Stop crying wolf. Passive-aggressive is NOT healthy. “Going off” without a first or firm conversation is asking too much if you want understanding. No one knows your trauma like you. No one understands you like you but, you an an adult and so adult, use your words. Stammer it out but say it. Be afraid but mean it. Advocate for you.
Thank you for reading. What harsh truth has strengthened you this year?
My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?
