Abusers Love When You Make These 2 Mistakes
Save yourself and bottle up tight those emotions.
I am an abuse survivor and I very nearly paid with my life because I kept trying to build with a saboteur. Imagine 2 people set out to build a house. One person is building up while the other is kicking down the foundations. You will never get a house. It is that simple. If you can see your partner kicking down the foundations, you will quickly see the problem but, it is dangerous where you cannot see them destroying the build. The saboteur will join you and blame ‘enemies’, ‘act of god’, ‘wind’- everything else but themself.
But I got you. You do not stay years in abuse and not pick up a few tricks because of the mistakes you make that give an abuser power. Some tricks however are more superior to others and 2 of the biggest are revealed today.
- “Stop Pouring Out Your Heart to your abuser”: You know what having an ‘open’, ‘honest’ and ‘adult’ conversation with an abuser positively accomplishes? Zilch. While you are busy pouring out your heart, their narcissism is thrilled at the havoc they are wrecking in your life. For years, my ex was the saboteur I was building with. I was faithful, loyal, kind and applying all the knowledge that I was learning while they were busy, pretending to be on the same team with me. I “poured out my heart” a lot thinking it will cause them to do better or commit more. In retrospect, they were just enjoying my misery. My pain was their adrenaline fueling their cheating and cruelty. If you are “miserable”, doesn’t it justify their need to be with more “positive” and “funny” people? Save yourself. Stop pouring out your heart to your abuser. This is a costly mistake. It took me a long time to learn not to do this. I was stubborn not to fail. Stubborn that it would get better if I get him to understand. Darling he knows. He loves the status quo and he is stubborn to maintain it. RUN.
2. Don’t Do Counseling with your abuser: My ex initiated counseling. I was over the moon. It meant that NOW was serious. They were going to put in the work, understand me and our lives will become better. On the contrary, counseling made everything worse. Like the first point- “pouring out your heart”, you are opening up yourself- this time, with the help of a professional who will ask deep questions that hand over your triggers, your fears, and soul- to an abuser. That thought alone should terrify you. “I” statements become poison. You want to shout- YOU are abusive but you have to say, “I feel unheard” and some other ‘soft words’ like that, that does nothing for what you are dealing with. Counseling equips your abuser with manipulative and gaslighting tools. They work efficiently because you commit sincerely to grow. Counseling? Don’t do it. RUN.
If you are in abusive relationship, don’t make the above mistakes. However, I know leaving is not something many people can do immediately. I had to stew in abuse for a moment because there were things held over my head. I had to get them off. In preparing to leave, I picked up these 2 life-saving hacks I shared with you. I hope it helps someone.
Thank you for reading.
My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?
