Anxious Attachment Style 101
How to become securely attached.
Game Over
Last night I was joking and laughing to the brink of tears while playing video games with my younger brother.
During a lull in our game, I received a text from my roommate. He seemed upset with me.
From that moment forward, I was distracted from enjoying the time with my brother. I was more concerned about how my roommate felt about me.
“Is he mad at me?”
“Does he still like me?”
Then my anxiety flowed to anger.
“I don’t care what he thinks.”
“He’s lazy.”
“I wouldn’t care if he moved out.”
My inner turbulence has affected my relationships since I was younger.
From Loser to Ladie’s Man
I used to be painstakingly shy in high school. I didn’t go on a date or even kiss a girl.
I’m human. I wanted an intimate partner like anyone else.
Tired and frustrated by my lack of results, I began reading books and watching Youtube videos in college.
I actually flunked out of my freshman year because I was consuming content instead of studying for tests.
After years of trial and error, I began dating often. My friends and family began to view me as a “ladie’s man.”
But meeting new people and dating never seemed easy, even after my successes. With every new phone number, I felt overly anxious and would send a text that would cause girls to flee.
I was always better in person, so dates went smoothly. But after, I feared each girl would lose interest, so I felt nervous with each text or call I received.
I always felt the need “to do something” to keep them from leaving me. So I’d send a “try hard” text or need subtle confirmation that they still liked me.
My needy behavior made dating seem like a never-ending rollercoaster leaving me dazed and confused.
My anxiousness peaked during my first committed relationship.
You’d think commitment would ease a person’s doubts about their status with their partner?
Not me. It made it worse.
The fear of her losing interest and breaking up with me kept me up at night. If she’d cancel plans, I take it personally and assume she didn’t like me anymore.
To keep her desire burning, I’d read books about relationships and marriages. I read The 5 Love Languages during a restless night.
After my first relationship ended, I found books and videos about attachment theory. It was then I realized I had an “anxious attachment style.”
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is the idea that each of us has tendencies and behaviors that influence who we choose as partners and how we conduct ourselves within a relationship.
There are 4 attachment styles:
1.Secure
When someone is securely attached, they’re confident in their relationships. They feel comfortable communicating their wants and needs without fear the other person will abandon them.
They’re also willing and able to accommodate — not self-sacrifice — to meet their partners’ wants and needs.
Secures feel content without an intimate relationship but don’t avoid or overvalue their need for closeness.
2.Anxious
The anxious style chases intimacy. They’re the “hopeless romantic” and rush into relationships when their partner isn’t ready, or the situation doesn’t call for it.
They need a lot of approval, reassurance, and responsiveness. Without it, they become anxious because they believe their partner is losing interest.
Anxious attachment styles are dependent on their partners for their sense of self-worth. They feel valueless and depressed without a relationship.
3.Avoidant
An avoidant style fears intimacy because they’re frightened by rejection.
Avoidants appear aloof and pride themselves on their independence. They pretend like they don’t need intimacy, but deep down, they crave it.
4.Anxious-Avoidant
This style is a combination of anxious and avoidant. These people are hot and cold. At times they’re loving and vulnerable, and in other moments, they’re standoffish and distant.
Anxious-avoidants are also known as the “confused” style because they crave approval and intimacy but fear and avoid it.
Since this story is about the anxious attachment style, here are some more signs:
- Always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship
- Overanalyze the meaning of their partners’ words or actions
- Very touchy-feely
- Use physical intimacy and reactions as approval and to gauge their partners’ interest
- Get jealous easily
- Assume their partner is cheating
- Highly reactive and defensive of criticism, neutral comments, and requests
- Labeled “needy”
Cause of Attachment Style
The first relationship we experience and sets the foundation for all the others is with our parents.
Nobody’s parents are perfect and perhaps struggle with attachment as well. Also, our parents couldn’t meet every one of our needs. Expecting them to do so is unrealistic.
But how they treated us directly causes our attachment style.
If your parent validated your emotions and behaviors without harsh ridicule or abandonment, then you’ll be securely attached.
If your parents were inconsistent with their love and affection or dismissive towards you, you’ll feel uncertain and anxious in your future interactions and relationships.
If your parents were strict, critical, and emotionally suffocating, you’ll want your distance and avoid intimacy because you’ll fear rejection and loss of independence.
If your parents were a combination of detached, authoritative, smothering, and overly attentive, you’ll feel “confused” in your relationships.
How To Become Securely Attached
The ultimate goal is to become securely attached.
It’s essential to understand your current attachment style and make improvements towards becoming securely attached.
You can improve your attachment style while single or in a committed relationship. What’s required is awareness of your emotional reactions.
You can have a reaction that’s independent of a relationship — intimate or platonic — and it could stem from your attachment style.
Let’s say you tend to be an anxious person. You hear frightening information on the news, and your heart begins to race.
Your anxiousness is trapped in your mind and body since a child and triggered by an external event.
Or let’s say you failed a test and begin to internally self-deprecate.
“I’m stupid. I’m never going to pass this test. I hate myself.”
An external event triggered shame injected by your parents’ harsh words and disapproving criticisms.
Whether you’re an adult or not, you can’t depend on your parents to give you the love and affection you deserved and needed.
So, to become securely attached, you have to provide yourself with the comfort and validation you didn’t receive as a child.
Validate your internal experiences. “It’s OK. These feelings are normal to have. I’m not wrong or defective for having them.”
Unconditionally accept your emotions, physical appearance, and mistakes. “These feelings are mine. This is the way I look. This is who I am. I made a mistake, but it’s alright. I’m not defective or incapable. I’ll do better next time.”
Signs You’re on the Right Path
We already went through the basic behaviors of the secure attachment style but here some other actions and signs to help track your progress:
You Don’t Overthink
A human’s cognitive processes are our greatest strength. Our brain allows us to create computers, iPhones, apps, and write a lengthy article about attachment styles.
But when our mind is in a state of worry, we’ll overanalyze the meaning of another’s words and actions.
To ease our suffering, we’ll assume the worst because that’s all we know, demand answers, or run away.
A securely attached style doesn’t dissect the meaning of a text or comment. They don’t assume they’re responsible for a person’s feelings.
Their even-keel temperament prevents them from acting erratically or avoiding people and situations.
You’re Less Jealous
Jealousy is a normal human emotion. But the intensity and reactivity to the emotion matters more than the feeling itself.
A securely attached person trusts their partner likes or loves them. They don’t get jealous if their partner’s ex texts them. They don’t need to know their partner’s whereabouts. They don’t fear their partner will cheat on them if they go on a vacation.
Comfortable Expressing Your Feelings
Expressing your wants, needs, and feelings is never easy because it leaves you vulnerable. Your partner could disapprove, object to your requests, and leave you.
But a secure individual does not fear losing a partner. Their partner is valuable to them but not as important as they are to themselves.
You’re More Empathetic
The ability to understand and comfort others is difficult if you lack empathy for yourself.
As you learn to comfort yourself, you’ll be able to offer this same reassurance and support to your partner without self-sacrificing or forgetting about your needs.
You’re Able to Compromise
It’s tough to compromise when you believe doing so will leave you vulnerable to getting taking advantage of.
Compromise is also scary because it requires you to take a step back, relinquish control, and try something new.
But a securely attached person doesn’t fear compromise because they view it as win-win.
“Let’s find a middle ground, so we’re both happy.”
You Set Boundaries
This perhaps, is the hardest. It’s similar to expressing your wants and needs but with more firmness.
If you’re consistently worried about upsetting your partner and losing them, setting boundaries will be the most challenging behavior to incorporate.
You fear saying “no” will cause your partner to be upset with you and leave.
Once you’re more secure without a relationship, you’ll have less trouble setting boundaries because you won’t fear being alone.
Your Interactions and Relationships Become Simpler
Meeting and finding “The One” is strenuous: making online profiles, going to bars and clubs, getting phone numbers, texting, getting ghosted, setting up dates, rain-checks, cringy first dates, no-call after an excellent first date.
Love and romance and novels, self-help books, movies, shows, and music sell the most because they tug on our heartstrings.
A secure person doesn’t find mingling and dating complicated. They don’t overvalue the idea of “The One” and believe the concept silly.
A securely attached person believes they can handle the ups and downs of dating and relationships. They trust their intuition and can act “normal.”
Personal Examples
I knew I was becoming securely attached when I:
Didn’t feel the need to do or say something to get or keep someone’s affection
When I have a conversation with someone I’m attracted to, I can joke and be playful without concern for their reaction.
In other words, I’m less outcome dependent.
I don’t need them to like me. I’m internally validated, so their opinion of me doesn’t matter. Of course, it’d be great if they wanted me, but I’m OK if they don’t.
Daydreamed less about a girl I was talking to or interested in
I used to fantasize about girls I was attracted to.
I would playact our first date and kiss.
I’d imagine meeting her parents for the first time and them loving me.
I’d rehearse scenarios in my head to rebuttal her words and actions to keep the relationship well.
Now I enjoy the beginning phases of a relationship without anxiety and outcome.
If it works out, great. If not, great.
Became the buyer, not the seller
Studying interpersonal relationships engrains a belief you’re below the other person, so you have to do tricks to get them to like you.
Once I was learning to be more comfortable with myself and my needs, I began silently evaluating women to see if they’d be a good fit for me.
When you’re going to Best Buy to buy a TV, you’re not trying to qualify yourself to the television.
“Hey, I’m cool, funny, and smart; take my money, please?”
Instead, you’re screening and reading the TV’s details to see if it’s a proper fit for you.
I don’t try and sell myself to girls I’m attracted to anymore. Indeed, I’m engaging, but I’m not trying to win them over.
Instead, I pick and choose wisely because I value my time and emotions.
Stopped overthinking
When you’re of an anxious style, control is your drug to depress your feelings.
I’m thankful for every book I’ve read and video I watched. I wouldn’t strive to be a Marriage and Family Therapist or write about mental health if it weren’t for the content I’ve consumed.
But knowledge, tips, and techniques are weapons of control to an anxious individual.
I’d label and categorize every word or action so I could accurately respond.
“Oh, she said she isn’t happy, so I should say something funny to cheer her up.”
“She seems moody, so I’m going to keep my distance and be unreactive to show confidence to maintain my attractiveness.”
“She says she likes me, but I can’t say it back because I’d be killing the tension.”
“Her text responses are short, which means I need to say something to engage her emotions.”
When you’re stuck in your head trying to control everything, you lose the ability to use the innate instincts that’s helped humans survive for centuries. Currently, I’m able to trust my gut and be congruent to the situation and context.
I say a joke when it feels right.
I respond to a short text with a short or long reply depending on my mood or the stage of the relationship.
I ask questions if I feel the need to build comfort.
I talk more if she’s shy.
I listen if she likes to talk.
My anxiety used to cloud my judgments and confidence. Today my inner certainty breaks through barriers and connects me to the present moment.
With attunement, I respond accordingly and feel more joy, excitement, and freedom.
Your Self-Improvement Road Map
You’re dating and relationship struggles are due to your attachment style.
Identification and understanding of your behaviors will lay out a self-improvement road map.
The anxious attachment style is the most important to study because the avoidant is anxious but responds to their turmoil differently.
The goal is to become securely attached because your personal and professional life will benefit.
You’ll feel more confident, comfortable, and connected to yourself and others.
Remember:
- Compassionately validate and comfort your suffering.
- Accept yourself unconditionally.
- Express yourself fearlessly.
- Authentically say no or yes.
- You’re loveable in and out of a relationship.
- Trust fall into the present moment.
- Stop overthinking. Life’s too short.
The Inside & Out email list will help you achieve your internal and external goals.
