Are These 7 Well-Meaning Pieces of Advice Hurting the Lives of Abuse Survivors?
You should really stop talking now.
After years enabling and enduring abuse, I was finally LISTENING.
You know you are ready to leave when you are beyond your excuses and whining. You are no longer making excuses for them or hoping they will somehow someday, change.
You are listening.
But, many advices will be poison.
One might wonder- how are genuine advices given to people from well meaning people, poisonous?
I have realized 2 things as a survivor:
- Many people give you advice from a place of idealization, not practicality.
They have not really been through it so they will advice you based on their thinking on what they will do IF they are in that situation.
They will advice you based on a movie they saw or something like that.
They will advice you based on their Action-Hero-Fantasy-Imagination ideal outcome.
- It is a cliché but this is true- what works for one may not work for another.
To be fair, not many people have walked your path. And again, very few people will get the nuances of what you say or don’t say.
Let’s say, you ask a question on an online forum open for all. The American will answer from their world view.
For the African who might love to do what the American says, their world, belief system, societal structure and the like, may not support that suggestion.
Here are some advices I got that implementing them would have hurt me a lot further:
- Hide your child with your relatives and escape to another country. When you have settled, you come and take your child.
I can understand that taking my child with me can slow down my roll in a foreign land as the job structure or studies, will be really hard with my child.
I also understand that many people have kept their child(ren) with relatives and gone on abroad from where they send back money to help their child(ren).
Ask yourself- is it right for you? Right for the child? Are you sure you can return? Mentally, will the separation be alright for you and your child?
If the person you are hiding your child from finds them, how will you protect them?
- While living with the abuser, use them- especially financially.
“Chop their money” is the language people threw at me. (Basically, Gulp down their money)
“Make demands”
“Spend their money”
“Become very selfish”
“If he isn’t spending on you, he is spending on someone else”
“Bill him”
“Use their money lavishly and make yourself happy”
Maybe there are some people out here in the world for who this will not be any beans. Thing is, not all of us are wired this way.
When I want something, I get obsessive about it so when I made up my mind to leave my abuser, the last thing on my mind was “enjoyment”. I wanted out, out.
I hadn’t been happy for years. I wasn’t about to become this different personality who will cry all through the night and shop all through the day.
Whatever happens with those financially abused? How does this advice work?
If you are planning to leave an abusive situation, every penny saved is going to help you especially if you were financially dependent on the abuser.
Save that money. You will need it.
Beyond money, I started learning different things to do to improve myself.
Maybe shopping will make everything better for some people- maybe. I want to encourage you though- seek to improve yourself.
Acquire skills that will improve you. Get certifications that will help you. These will be better than clothes and shoes that will soon go out of style.
Make your child your everything
I agree that trying to make someone who does not love you, to begin loving you is an exercise in futility. I do not agree though that smothering your child with “all” your love is the better approach.
I love my child just fine. (I hope you do too) because as much as I love my child, I also want them to live their own life independent of me.
I do not want to be a helicopter mom.
In fact, maybe I have some kind of motherhood defect because while I can wait for my child to grow up, I am already excited for when they will spread their wings and fly out of my home.
Sincerely and with all due respect, I cannot make my child my everything.
The same way making my abuser my everything led to abuse, I think this is the same pattern.
- Sleep Around.
Yeah, no.
I know where all the dicks are and I am just not up to feeling them after years of being fucked over.
Sometimes, this advice is given as a revenge one.
What makes people think fucking around because someone fucked you over, somehow makes up for the fuck you went through?
It doesn’t work that way- not for everyone.
I will not be bitter because a bitter person crapped on me.
If something wrong was done to you, how is doing that same thing going to right the wrong done to you? I struggle with the intentions behind this advice.
I don’t want anyone’s poison.
Just leave the relationship
Now how have abuse victims never thought of this original one?
This advice ignores the complex realities of abuse, such as financial dependence, fear for personal safety, and lack of support systems.
Are there really stronger advantages for the person leaving or will they be jumping from frying pan to fire?
Maybe there are some people who can just up and leave but when all you have known is abuse, it is harder to do just that.
Do not be angry because your sister or friend in that abusive relationship is not listening to you to “just leave”.
Are your legs broken?
Ah, we have heard all that. We have even told ourselves same thing but, unless you listen- really listen to what the victim is saying, you will be angry with them for a long time.
Speak to their advantages.
Get a vision board.
Help them dream again.
Abuse made me stop dreaming. Dreaming again helped me remember the world beyond the walls that had trapped me.
Honourable Mention: Stay strong and don’t let it affect you.
Again, this dismisses the valid emotions and trauma experienced by survivors, and puts the burden on them to “just handle it.”
What do you think we have been doing?
Go out and Have fun.
I almost did not include this last point because- what really is the harm in saying- go out and have fun? Thing is, fun is not the same for everyone.
When good people will tell me- go out, have fun- I often bristled. I went out just fine.
Clubbing is fun- but not fun for everyone, the same way reading in bed is fun, but not fun for everyone.
Here is an irony- I have written musical lyrics but I cannot relax with music.
Music is very rarely fun for me. So if you say- go out. Go and club. Go to a karaoke bar. You will be suggesting punishments to me- not fun.
Also, when a person is coming out of abuse, chances are that healing is their priority, not fun.
There is anger, hurt, pain, bitterness. Feelings are brittle and all over the place.
In a sea of people, there is loneliness.
In fun, we will be the debbie-downers. That is a responsibility, we do not want. Not yet.
Stop pushing the idea of fun on survivors. You risk alienating them and pushing them down into further depression.
Thank you for reading. Buy me coffee?
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