7 Wicked Things You Should Never Say to Your Transgender Teenager
And what to say instead.
Parenting teenagers can be challenging. Parenting transgender teenagers can be exhausting, frustrating, and overwhelming.
Our kids are going through all sorts of changes within themselves and we’re simply trying to help them navigate towards becoming responsible, kind, and successful adults.
Their journey can be hard on them as well as on us especially if we’re unfamiliar with what it means to be transgender.
If you want your dual journeys to be a little less fraught with tension, drama, hurt, and heartache, keep the following phrases from ever escaping your lips.
1. “I don’t want to hear it.”
Listening to our kids is part of the job when becoming a parent. We can’t help our kids in the best way possible if we refuse to listen to what they have to say.
Every individual is unique which means the help, support, and love they need may be different than someone else. This is where listening can help us help them.
It’s impossible to understand anyone without first listening to their perspective — their ideas, thoughts, questions, and hopes. And it’s also impossible to help — and accept — anyone without first understanding them or their predicament.
Our kids didn’t ask to be born. We made that decision for them. We owe it to them to hear them out when they need to talk.
What to say instead:
I’m listening.
Saying this is the easiest way to make another human being feel validated. Just remember that with everything we say, we also need to mean it.
Take the time to truly listen to your teenager and understand them as much as possible. They might be trying to tell you something — or ask for your help with something — and not know exactly how to say it or express it. They might need you to encourage them to keep going, keep trying to express what is on their mind.
2. “Why can’t you just be normal?”
The word normal really irritates me. Any time it’s used it’s assumed by the speaker and usually the listener that there must be an abnormal.
There are differences between every human being on earth. But recognizing there are differences between people does not mean one person is normal and another is abnormal.
Being a teenager can be hard. Being a transgender teen can feel impossible. Trans teens (and other LGB youth) are 2.5 times more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and substance misuse than their heterosexual cisgender classmates.
Being different doesn’t equate to being abnormal. It simply means you, as their parent, need to be prepared to help your trans teen in whatever capacity they need.
What to say instead:
How can I help?
This question will open the door for better communication between you and your transgender teen. It lets them know you care and that you want to be there for them in whatever way they need.
This question also lets them know you aren’t assuming anything about their identity, whether it’s their sexuality or gender or anything else. You’re open to whatever they tell you. You accept who they are regardless of how they identify, who they're attracted to, or how they want to express themselves.
3. “You’re seeking attention the wrong way.”
Being transgender is not an attention-seeking trend.
40% of transgender and nonbinary youth reported being physically threatened or harmed in their lifetime due to their gender identity. — The Trevor Project
If your teen was simply seeking attention, there are a multitude of other — easier and more safe — ways to get noticed.
Transgender individuals are targeted every single day by ignorant, hateful people who don’t believe they should exist. Don’t fall into this group. Step up by refusing to judge your teen based on misunderstood assumptions and myths.
What to say instead:
Seeing you happy makes me happy.
Telling your teenager they make you happy is another way of expressing how much you love them and care about the things they hold important.
Being a teenager is stressful for a plethora of reasons. Noting when your teen is happy and how it makes you happy, can encourage them to continue being themselves. The more we allow our teens to explore their identities and learn to be happy with who they are, the happier and more successful adults they’ll grow into.
4. “You can’t go out like that. You’re only embarrassing yourself.”
Oftentimes it’s our fear that has us speak such awful things to our kids. We don’t want some stranger berating or bullying our kids. We think comments like this one will help them understand the safety of fitting in.
But if your teen is a unicorn among sheep, I implore you to embrace them, support them, and love them for who they are. There are far too many sheep already in this world. And there are many more individuals accepting our unicorns than ever before.
When my transgender son first started wearing dresses and makeup, I had no idea how to best support him because I didn’t understand. So I asked questions. That’s when I learned there was a difference between gender identity and gender expression.
If you don’t understand why your teenager is wearing certain clothes, or coloring their hair, or painting their nails, stop yourself from jumping to criticism or shaming them into wearing something else.
Instead, open up a dialogue with them. Tell them you want to better understand why they chose to have pink nails, wear a skirt, dye their hair purple, smear rainbow glitter on their cheekbones, or dress in all black.
These are all some of the simplest ways to express oneself. And self-expression is mainstream on the road to learning who you are.
What to say instead:
You are beautiful inside and out.
Telling your teen this lets them know you see them for who they are. It lets them understand you’re okay with them exploring their identity and that you support them on their journey to discovering the person they were meant to be.
5. “You’re not transgender. You’re just confused.”
Imagine waking up, walking into the bathroom, catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and suddenly you are very aware that how others see you isn’t even close to who you feel you are.
I can’t possibly ever understand fully what it means to be transgender because I am cisgender (my biological sex aligns with my gender identity). But feeling so at odds with my body reminds me a little bit of the television show Quantum Leap. At the beginning of each episode, the main character awoke startled because he found himself in someone else’s body rather than his own.
How jarring must that feel to walk around day after day knowing everyone around you — loved ones and strangers alike — don’t see or acknowledge you for who you truly are? I can’t fathom all the emotional overwhelm this could cause a person.
What to say instead:
I accept you for who you are.
Understanding and empathy go hand in hand. Our kids need guidance to become their most amazing selves. And we can only give them that if we understand what their journey might entail.
No one can see the future, but we can help our kids grow into responsible, kind, successful adults if we accept them for who they are and guide them from there.
Let your transgender teen take the lead on their identity, but be there to help them along the way with encouragement, acceptance, empathy, understanding, and love.
6. “You’re never going to find someone to love you like that.”
Humans are sociable beings. We need love and acceptance from others to flourish within our own lives.
Some medical professionals believe the need to be loved is one of our most basic and fundamental needs in life as well as a key to whether or not we are happy individuals.
Dismissing the importance of feeling loved by withholding your personal approval over whether or not your teenager is worthy is simply child abuse.
What to say instead:
I love you and I support you.
We can’t expect our kids to thrive if we don’t tell them and show them they are loved and supported. And if they never feel love as kids, how will they ever know how to experience it later as adults?
7. “That’s not right. It’s immoral.”
I’m not going to tell anyone whether or not they should hold specific religious beliefs. When it comes to parenting, it’s irrelevant anyway. Every religion I’m familiar with preaches love and that is exactly the point here.
If you believe that being transgender is simply wrong though, you need to check yourself. Do some Googling, read a book from someone who’s trans, listen to some experts on a podcast, ask a medical professional some questions. The internet gives us real information instantaneously so use it.
There’s no excuse in 2021 to state something so hateful and ignorant as that’s not right.
What to say instead:
I learn new things from you every day.
Regardless of our age, education, and experience, there’s always something new out there because time continually changes things. And our own experiences will never be exactly the same as anyone else’s.
So open your mind and accept that you don’t know everything there is to know. It’s not impossible for you to learn things from your teenagers.
I learn all sorts of things from the two at my house every single day.
If some of these phrases have already escaped your lips, don’t be too hard on yourself. But know that now that you know better, you need to do better.
Every one of us has learning curves we need to overcome. Unfortunately, parenting has many of them, but just remember that listening and keeping that flow of communication open between you and your teenager will help minimize the times we make mistakes.
Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.
