A Suitcase Full of Loneliness?

I have a serious love-hate relationship with my suitcase. In my suitcase, I carry my dreams, my relationships, my memories, my home — myself. And with that, my loneliness.

I have traveled a lot in different countries and in my own country. I have met many people. Slept in hotels, hostels, tents, rented apartments, friends’ houses, my parent’s place, planes, boats, gyms, chairs, couches, buses, cars, trains, beaches; shared a bed with a lover, a boyfriend, a husband, a friend (and plenty of cats). I have lived a lot, experienced a lot. But did I lose something?

We talked about loss. Loss is loneliness. Loss is the absence of something. While I move between countries, cities, jobs and people, other things move, too. I might get lonely since others are absent in my life. But to be honest, perhaps I’m the one who’s absent.

There exists different kinds of loneliness. Different kind of absence. Temporary and permanent. We already talked about permanent loss and absence caused by the loss of a loved one.

In her book The Year of Magical Thinking (which I highly recommend), Joan Didion described loss and grief that she experienced after losing her husband and daughter unexpectedly. As she puts it, we can anticipate that someone close to us might die. We prepare to feel shock and to survive desperation, crying and the funeral, the early days of the loss. But the early days are just a introduction to grief. The worst and most unexpected part is, as she puts it, the “unending absence that follows. The void. The very opposite of meaning.”

Absence of someone or something. I think all loss comes with loneliness. But not all loneliness comes with loss.

At the beginning of this year, I told you that my word for the year will be home. And I think it was an accurate choice. I haven’t had a steady home for a few months, because I quit my job, left from my apartment, went to Palestine for 3 months and then returned to look for another apartment in a different city. Sometimes I jokingly call myself homeless. In reality, it’s my choice and I’m lucky to have many homes. I have stayed with you, with my other friends, with my family and received offers to stay with many other if in need. I am not alone, far from it. In fact, I feel like I have many families.

So I don’t feel alone. Sometimes feel lonely. At times in my life, it has been almost unbearable but at the moment everything is good. As you said, we all feel loneliness sometimes. But when you are alone and lonely unwillingly and there’s no solution, that’s when things get tough.

I have traveled world a bit and that has made me feel connected to other humans in a new way. Connections with people that you meet for even a short period of time can be very deep and meaningful — not that they can’t be superficial, as well. While I feel more connected to the humanity and myself, I sometimes feel less connected to the people in my life that really matter to me. One could say that being alone is a choice but loneliness is not. I think this is true in most of the cases but I can’t help thinking whether some life choices have driven me, or you or someone else, towards loneliness at times.

I googled loneliness. The simple definitions usually refer to isolation and lack of connection. And that’s it. It’s not about company, it’s not about being surrounded by people, it’s not about having friends in social media or hundreds of numbers in your phone or acquaintances to greet. Loneliness is about lack of connection. We all need connection. In that sense, loneliness is loss. It’s absence of connection. Absence of someone who would be with you. Who would make you feel at home.

Perhaps home is where I don’t feel lonely. Despite of whether I’m alone or not.

So, even if my loneliness travels with me, it doesn’t fill up the whole suitcase. As I carry my loneliness with me sometimes, I can also carry my home. And so, my traveling doesn’t equal loneliness. And so, I back my bags time after time; to go, to see and to return. And so, I grab my suitcase again. Let’s go.