Treat Your Lover Like Your Best Friend To Make Love Last

In response to my article, The Difference Between Needing, Wanting And Loving Somebody, here’s what a reader has to say:

How do you know that for the next person your friend falls in love with, she will not follow the same patterns? Isn’t it important for her to find the root cause of why she stopped loving him or why that love faded away, so she does not repeat the same situation in her next relationship?

Does this mean that nothing is permanent in life? That love is always temporal? And after a while, when love fades away, you stay with a person out of habit and familiarity? What are we to believe?

Well, perhaps my friend will follow the same pattern, but I really hope not. Nonetheless, yes it’s important that you inspect the real underlying issues that may be causing the fission in the relationship, AND try to work on them with your partner in all honesty and openness before making any final decision.

Having said that, if that person isn’t the right one to begin with, then perhaps it’s better to let go. Like they say sometimes, it’s better late than never.

Is love always temporary and fleeting?

No I don’t think so. Love is not just a feeling. I believe in love there is also this sense of loyalty that helps bind you and the person you love together. And this loyalty is what keeps the love real and alive, and fuels the relationship to go on for a long time.

It’s just like how you treat your best friend I guess: Would you give them up just because you have another new friend who clicks with you so well and likes all the same things as you? Would you betray your best friend or bitch about them behind their back just to curry the favour of another person? Would you end the friendship just because you have drifted apart due to busy schedules or because you have been seeing each other so often that you’re getting kinda bored of them already?

I think the answer would be No, right?

Because you respect, you treasure and you love your best friend. He or she is an important person in your life. You wouldn’t do anything that might sabotage the relationship you have built over the years. When you love somebody, you are loyal to them. This is why I say love isn’t just doing what you feel like, it’s about honouring the other party — your friend, your business partner or your lover — like they are your family, and not see them as something that can be easily replaced.

When you love somebody, you want to be loyal to them.

Though, I do know sometimes even friendships that have lasted over a decade can fall apart because of various reasons. Maybe the other person changed, or you have changed. Maybe the relationship has reached a level of toxicity that does no good to nobody. The list goes on.

If love can come, love can go as well. And vice versa. I guess the best way is to leave it to fate, though I don’t mean that you should become a passive bystander and just take whatever life brings you. Rather, you should try to listen to what your heart has to say. I think many people avoid having serious conversations with themselves, and as a result, they fail to communicate their needs and wants to the people they love too.

xo,

K

This is part of the Love/Sex Q&A with Keay Nigel column here on Medium.

You can also write to Keay Nigel at nigel@loveiscollective.com ❤

Or ask him a question directly here: ask.fm/KeayNigel