I can be pretty private and my natural inclination is to not burden others with my problems. I’d have to trust you quite a bit for you to bear the full brunt of my sadness, anger, or frustration.
With this last break, I felt extra vulnerable, so I’ve leaned on friends a bit more than in the past. Perhaps they’re reaching out more to me, too, since I’m sharing more openly than I have in the past with my “inner circle” of friends having access to these posts.
I’m not sure why this break has felt so different — but I’ve just been in this funk even several weeks after the fact despite the relationship’s brevity. I have never felt this way before with the other short term guys. I know it’s a mix of things: that I find Luke to be an amazing person (that I can’t be with), insecurities around possibly choosing the wrong people to date, confusion about what to do next, feeling left behind in life, and just being frustrated and really tired of having to struggle with this. I’m ready to give up.
I have this good guy friend, let’s call him Bestie, who messaged me this TED talk video on emotional maintenance. Before seeing the video, he minimalized the magnitude that this hurdle with Luke was to me (it having been such a short period of time). His general consolations slanted toward tough love— just suck it up! Let’s hate on him! He was no good for you! But, this video changed his mind and got him to think about how I can best process the depth of this issue. In the talk, the expert said how rumination was not a good space to be stuck in and to replace it with a positive thought on the outlook of the situation. I’m pretty optimistic, but I was having an extra hard time doing this post-Luke. I was definitely ruminating, struggling with insecurities, and feeling shaken by fear of future hurts.
I still feel so frustrated and torn between my heart and my mind. I know I should just forget about him and move on, but for some reason my heart just wants to hold on to this one. This inner struggle was confusing and between what the outside world told me to do and what my heart dictated I should do or feel, there was an ocean’s divide. Something just did not feel right. Replacing any real positive outlook with these frustrating thoughts constantly running through my mind seemed impossible.
But, I didn’t have to do it on my own.
In the next week…
I shared guacamole with one of my favorite couples. Climbed harder and better with two of my climbing girlfriends. Chatted on random department store sofas with two childhood friends. Poured my heart out to good friends in far away places over gchat. Shared a pint of Smitten’s fresh mint chip with 2 amazing girlfriends that I met this past year that seem to just get me. Booked a flight to see some of my closest friends. And of course, PS and PS’ counterpart (the angel and devil) were there every step of the way, ready to listen and support me — no matter how indecisive and circular my thoughts got. And I had numerous friends checking in on me. Every. Single. Day. Old and new friends, letting me be sad and reminding me that I didn’t have to get through anything alone, ever.
Climber girlfriend #1 had been helping me with my rumination all week long. We got deep and ridiculously detailed about my internal struggles around this last conversation with Luke — parsing through every bit of that one hour phone conversation, what parts I regretted, what parts were unclear — and how I felt about every little piece. Despite the depressing conversation, with her help, we came to the conclusion that regardless of how frustrating each of these breaks were, I somehow was blessed by something more amazing than the relationship itself. The rumination was starting to crack and I was starting to let positivity shine through my thoughts.
I wasn’t cursed with the ends, but was blessed to have met each of these guys for each one led to my meeting some pretty key people in my life.
This past year has been great timing for close friendships. And I’m not one to easily trust, so I keep a very limited number of (what I consider to be) inner circle friends. I met climber girlfriend #1 through Bert — and I feel like I’ve known her forever. I wouldn’t have run into a past coworker at the climbing gym if it weren’t for Old Guy —now she’s my climber girlfriend #2, and somehow she’s also become my calm and my cheerleader. And there’s this quartet of friends that I feel so comfortable with that I consider them family — these friendships would not have come to be without The Poo.
I was struggling with Luke, but had these constant reminders of what great friends I keep. Maybe it’s my extroverted side, but I just feel a certain calm when I’m around truly good friends. Much of the time it’s not even necessary to talk about what put me in this funk, but really just feeling their presence. They made it easier for me to get to the point where I was mentally ready to refocus on a positive outlook instead of ruminating on what never was with Luke.
This is a love letter to my friends.
