But, trusting someone is never safe.
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I met this guy and I thought he was wonderful. And he is.
My dating adventures of 2014 were the inspiration of this blog, catalyzed during a boy break I took for lent. I was hoping for it to turn into some sort of book to show the world and other women out there that they’re not alone in all the insecure, odd, crazy thoughts that we have around relationships — that those thoughts are (relatively) normal and that we always pull through somehow. I was going to write about these 5 guys from 2014:
Chapter 1: Toothbrush
Chapter 2: Old Guy
Chapter 3: Pepe le Pew
Chapter 4: Bert
Chapter 5: The Poo
But, I wasn’t feeling as inspired anymore post lent boy break, so I started to just write about how 2014 dating might relate to the current happenings. And heartbreak definitely spurs my need to write.
There was a lighthearted manner in which things happened for me in early 2014, and I subconsciously held back, was extra cautious, and unable to trust, likely because I was just out of a major break up with X — until Bert. I really liked him and still think about him occasionally for many reasons (see other stories on him Bert 1, Bert 2). I know now after taking my healing lent boy break that it was not a good fit, however, it accomplished important life lessons and I would not be the same person without those experiences. Of course, the end of that relationship stung. But so did relationships in which I didn’t even get a good chunk of jokes that the dude told. And I’m now realizing, regardless of the duration of the relationship, number of shared interests, or physical looks — if there was any attachment on my end — the sharp pain of the break is undeniable. This was the case with Toothbrush, Bert, and The Poo. Even if deep down I knew the relationship was not a good match, I still had some hope for it. And with that optimism, came the heartache when things ended with these guys.
For a while I kept this wonderful guy an arm’s length away. Let’s call him Luke. But there was just something different about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I didn’t feel the usual insecurities with him. I felt almost immediately comfortable while with him alone — and I’m a slow to warm personality. He amused me daily with our day long gchats, made me belly laugh on a regular basis, was thoughtful and intelligent on issues important to me, and remembered the important happenings and the not so important happenings of my life. There was no filter with him and my guard was starting to come down.
But with the very real memory of the sharp, painful break ups of 2014, I was scared of getting hurt. And I was determined to not feel that again. I didn’t want to let him in until I knew it was safe.
But, trusting someone is never safe.
There’s no way to be 100% about anyone that you meet — new friends, coworkers, or a new love interest. But it doesn’t mean that you stop trying. I know I’d be missing out on a ton of wonderful, amazing people if I just gave up on everything that was less than 100% safe. I’m the type of person that is okay with failure — get back up and get at it again, learn from your experiences, and just plug your way through it. But, with a fresh cut every 3–6 months, I’m feeling more and more fearful of entering into anything new. These breaks, they’re jarring.
So, a few weeks ago, I realized just how amazing Luke was. With some OCD tendencies, I have a habit of listening to the same songs over and over again. And when I start to fall for someone, a song gets attached to them. And at some point I’m not sure if I’m listening because I like the song and it happens to remind me of the person or because I’m listening so that it reminds me of that person. This started to happen and I knew he had the power to break my heart.
Just tell me what to do
I’ll fall right into you
Going under cast a spell just say the word
I feel your love
It’s this soulful, kinda sad version of Charli XCX’s Boom Clap by Lennon and Maisy: http://www.lennonandmaisy.com/videos?ma_id=7&mc_id=536 It’s a love song. I think I gravitated toward this version because the lyrics give this feel of simplicity in how falling for someone should be; while the melody and voice complicates the happiness that resonated strongly with my fears, my hesitation.
So, I knew it was too late…I already accidentally took that leap of faith, fully letting my guard down. And if this were a romcom, you’d expect me to say that the risk was worthwhile.
But…it wasn’t.
The day after the end, I was at work for a good 11 hours, the first day of our most intense season, trying to hold the tears back. I’m pretty sure some of my staff dialed back their intensity noticing my eyes welling with not yet freed tears. And I think more overwhelming than the reason for the end, is that these breaks are exhausting with no end in sight. How many more do I need to go through? I’m unsure how much more I can take and I’m frustrated with the consistency of the breaks, constantly getting over of guys, and feeling shitty from losing someone that I’ve invested time and genuine effort in getting to know, even if it was short lived. I know I’ll get past this as I have the others, but it just sucks and keeps me in this place of fear. Seems like I’m just stupid enough to keep touching the stove even if I’m burned every time.
Ok, so PS (see other entries) thought the story should end here because “life ain’t all puppies and sunshine, sometimes it’s fat chicks and toothy blowjobs but someone’s gotta write about it.” I don’t always listen to him.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m so glad to have gotten to know Luke and that the end was respectful. He really is wonderful. But the heartache that accompanies the severing of ties, reminds me of what a good friend mentioned to me this weekend — that it is truly an effing miracle that anyone gets married. I think if I can continue to face the fear of breakup and make my way to the right guy, I’ll truly appreciate what I’ve found. I always try to find the silver lining, and maybe Luke was meant to drive this appreciation lesson home for me.
originally written on 6/15/2015
