Adhivāsanā: Day Eleven — Uncertainty
“I realized that everything moves, no matter how slow.”
Compared to when I first arrived, sleep hardly ever came at all. Goenka-ji described it as a side effect of rigorous meditation practice — one requires less sleep. It’s a positive feedback loop: meditating for two hours a day gives one a more restful mind, which means less sleep, which means more time to meditate. Interesting.
We all convened in the Dhamma hall at 5am for our final group session — mettā practice and chanting, as well as a final discourse and wrap up.
The men all had breakfast together, and we got each others’ contact information. I had already cleaned my room the night before, so by 8AM I was ready to leave.
Hitting the road was cathartic. I could feel Calgary’s energy growing by the kilometer — a sort of euphoric anticipation, bordering on anxious. What would it be like to return?
I drove the most patiently I ever have. It was difficult to do anything but stare into the horizon. I could see the motion in everything — how the clouds would move lazily, imperceptibly, like glaciers, compared to the tarmac treadmill I was on, how waves of wind would reverberate through the grassy foothills…
I realized that everything moves, no matter how slow.
The weather in Calgary was perfect. I was astonished by the newfound beauty in everything I’d seen countless times before. My inner-city neighborhood felt pastoral. Dads mowed their lawns; kids ran through the streets with pets; everything was brighter, shinier, more vivid.
As soon as I arrived, I started writing and drawing out visual ideas. I sat still for about seven hours, unassisted, and filled page after page with notes, putting together these words you’ve been reading.
I spent the rest of the day hanging out with my parents and talking about my experience. I ate a home-cooked meal and went for a bike ride along the river with Dakota. We rode all the way to Chinatown and it felt like I was in downtown Tokyo — the people, the noise, the mirror-polished skyscrapers and the hecticity.
I slept a little easier that night, even with the same telltale electricity that continued to course through my brain.
