How to Do Things That Scare You (Even If You Have No Confidence)
Stepping out of your comfort zone, made easier.
Have you ever had your pillow snatched away from you while you were fast asleep? Or maybe you’ve been jolted upright by the sound of a wailing siren passing by your street?
That’s what being hurled out of your comfort zone feels like.
So how do we deal with these moments? How do you respond when your boss calls you up last minute to say he can’t join the 3pm client presentation, leaving you trembling as you figure out what to say to a roomful of 30 C-suite executives?
In truth, there’s very little you can do the very moment you’re faced with these unwanted surprises. But there’s a whole lot you must do to prepare for them.
You just need to know where to start.
Step #1: Define Your Boundaries and Know What’s “Stretchable”
“I will not be concerned at other men’s not knowing me; I will be concerned at my own want of ability.” — Confucius
First, it’s important you take the time to identify the boundaries that define the perimeter of your comfort zone. Only then, can you determine how to expand them.
Start by asking yourself what feels normal to you, or better, what makes you feel like you’re smashing it in life. Maybe it’s introducing yourself to strangers at a friend’s party. Maybe you get that extra “oomph” when you give open, constructive feedback to your team.
Now try thinking what makes you uncomfortable. I bet public speaking is the first thing that popped into your head.
Once you’ve identified your boundaries, i.e. what feels comfortable and what doesn’t, it’s time to figure out where to focus your efforts.
You see, some boundaries are “stretchable” while others, I’m afraid, are not. To see where I’m going with this, imagine your comfort zone as a circle with two halves.
On the right-hand side, we have your “zone of stretching”. Here we’ll find areas of your life that you’ve worked on recently, but admittedly, you still have further to go.
For example, you’re good at talking to strangers, but only after you start speaking. The first words that come out of your mouth almost always sound like “blah, blah”, but are gently followed by a lullaby.
Crucially, within your “zone of stretching” resides the things you want to get better at in life. Continuing with the example above, you are determined to master the art of creating better first impressions.
On the left-hand side, however, you’ll find your “zone of no stretching”. This is home to the parts of your personality that you never wish to change. You don’t like public speaking, and you really don’t care to do anything about this.
It goes without saying that your energy is almost always better invested towards whatever sits in your “zone of stretching”. Focusing on the wrong areas will only lead to poor returns.
Takeaway #1: Know your boundaries, and understand which parts of your comfort zone are “stretchable”. It will help you determine where best to focus your efforts.
Step #2: Take Small, but Meaningful Steps
“Life always begins with one step outside of your comfort zone.”― Shannon L. Alder
Now comes the real work.
Stretching the boundaries of your comfort zone is virtually equivalent to muscle-building. The aim is to grow. But how you get there requires patience.
With every small step you take outside your comfort zone (think: a single repetition/bicep curl), you are slowly, but surely, strengthening your confidence and expanding the reach of your comfort zone.
But what happens when you lift too much weight? You risk straining or pulling a muscle, right? And what’s worse, it can take months, sometimes years, before you’re able to lift a dumbbell again.
Attempting to “go big”, or trying to take gigantic leaps outside of your comfort zone can sometimes backfire, and badly too.
If you’re hesitant about travelling on your own for the first time, don’t buy a one-way ticket from L.A. to Melbourne. Take a domestic flight to New York.
The last thing you ever wish to do is damage whatever confidence you’ve built for yourself in recent years, just because you were in a hurry to become a “new” person.
Take smaller steps. The risk-reward trade-off will always be on your side if you do.
Takeaway #2: Ditch the idea of taking greats leaps out of your comfort zone. You’re better off dipping your toe in the water. The aim is to build your confidence slowly and importantly, sustainably.
Step #3: Make the ‘Idea of Change’ Comfortable
Jack Canfield once wrote,
“Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”
The way I see it, the fear of stepping outside of your comfort zone is more powerful than the act itself. It’s the thought that burdens you with anxiety, not the action itself.
So how do you overcome your worries, and control the fear that so often holds you back in life in order to move forward? Here’s 3 ways to do so.
First, you must remind yourself of your end goal.
What do you want to achieve by taking action? Perhaps you’re after a promotion, a new relationship, or an opportunity to reinvent your image.
Whatever it is, it’s important to constantly remind yourself of what you want to become. Doing so will place your fears into perspective.
“Coming out of your comfort zone is tough in the beginning, chaotic in the middle, and awesome in the end…because in the end, it shows you a whole new world.” — Manoj Arora
Next, make the idea of change attractive by rewarding the change itself. Treat yourself when you do good.
If striking up a conversation with that cute guy/girl in the coffee shop terrifies you, buy yourself a double-cream Frappuccino once you’ve asked for his/her number. Who cares if they say no? You’ve earned the right to a moment of glory!
The final trick is to get the right people behind your journey.
Doing so means you’ll always be held accountable for the actions you take, and of course, the ones you don’t. Share your progress with friends, family, and other important people in your life.
Many a times, all we need is a gentle push in the right direction to get us moving again.
Takeaway #3: Conquer the fear that comes with taking small steps outside of your comfort zone. Focus on the end goal, reward the change you make, and find the right support network to help you keep going.
A Quick Recap
Stepping out of your comfort zone will always feel terrifying. But if we truly want to grow in life, we ought to find comfort in taking necessary steps outside our comfort zone, and expanding it where we can.
Or said differently,
“The only thing that is stopping you from where you are to where you want to go is your comfort zone.” — Dhaval Gaudier
Here’s a quick reminder of what to do:
- Define your boundaries and know where to focus your efforts — know what your comfort zone looks like. Take time to assess which parts are “stretchable”, and which parts aren’t.
- Take small, but meaningful steps — think of your comfort zone as a muscle that can only be built over time. Don’t take great leaps that risk unnecessary setbacks.
- Accept the fear that comes with change — focus on the end goal. Give yourself a small reward when you take positive action. And finally, find the right support network to ensure you keep moving forward.
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