How to Safely Voice Your Opinion Without Getting Into an Argument
“You can disagree without being disagreeable.” — Ruth Ginsburg
Think back to a time when a conversation you were hosting started off well. You were smiling. They were smiling. Talking felt like an Autumn breeze. But all of a sudden, out of nowhere, somebody made a remark that you fundamentally disagreed with. And within seconds, you found yourself in an explosive state — bothered, frustrated, and getting way too personal with your counter-responses.
Looking back on such instances, you probably feel like there wasn’t a need to react in the way you did. After all, what was said wasn’t really much of a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But for some reason, you just couldn’t handle it. So how and why do mild disagreements suddenly turn into catastrophically blown-out-of-proportion arguments?
Well, according to PsychCentral, such knee-jerk reactions often stem from our tendency, as humans, to hone in on our survival instincts whenever we think we’re under attack. Or said differently,
“Biologically speaking, when we feel threatened, we usually resort to one of 3 reflex-like reactions in order to protect ourselves from more hurt: fight, flight, and freeze.”
So now that you’ve taken the first step in realizing that such responses are in fact quite normal, here’s what to try and do (or in some cases, not do) instead.
A Cardinal Sin in Conversation
Nobody enjoys being interrupted. But it’s easy to forget this basic rule of human etiquette when you’re the interrupter, as opposed to the interruptee. I mean, how would you feel if someone piped in with their two cents’ worth just as you were getting into the flow of your thought process. Not great, right?
Don’t be that guy or gal that says, “Let me stop you right there because you’re totally wrong.” A conversation is a ping-pong table that works best when you strike the moment the ball lands on your side of the table.
But such etiquette is so easily overlooked — especially in a technology-enabled world where we’ve forgotten what it means to have regular face-to-face discussions. Or as Celeste Headlee describes in her TED talk, ‘10 Ways to Have a Better Conversation’:
“A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance.”
Allowing others to finish speaking when they’re in the midst of a sentence is one of many ways of ensuring that we — as human beings — once again find this balance. And even if that means having to make a mental note of matters you wish to address later, it’s entirely worth it if you’re looking to amicably converse with those around you.
Spoiler Alert: Not Everybody Has to Agree With You
The hallmark of any good discussion comes down to accepting two crucial notions, the first of which is the fact that not everyone has to conform to your view. Anthony Bourdain phrases this superbly,
“I don’t have to agree with you to like you or respect you.”
But why do we wish for people to agree with us in the first place? Well, according to our friends at Pscychology Today, it often comes down to our tendency to give too much importance to our personal identity.
“When people disagree with us, their disagreement not only influences the validity of our beliefs, but it calls into question our personal identities — the kind of people we want to believe that we are.”
But is your personal identity really that at risk if somebody doesn’t agree with you? If you’re sure of yourself, and you’re confident enough with who you are as a person, then you’ll slowly begin to realize that it’s really not the end of the world if one person doesn’t abide by your way of thinking. I mean, you can certainly still be friends with someone without having to agree with them on every little thing.
The trick is to mentally separate the opinion you’re hearing from the person actually voicing it. Your friend Jimmy isn’t a terrible person just because he‘s adamant that tomatoes are vegetables — he’s still good ol’ Jimmy after all, even if his opinions are slightly wayward (or not).
Keeping this distinction at the back of your mind will ensure that your discussion doesn’t get too personal the moment you do end up disagreeing.
Are You Missing an Opportunity to Broaden Your Knowledge Base?
The second hallmark of any good discussion comes down to one single question: Are you mentally ready to accept that you just might be wrong?
Said differently, is there not a chance that your highly-regarded view might not be as coherent as you once thought, especially if it’s being protected by a wall of arrogance?
But I get it, it’s human nature to defend your point of view in the middle of a conversation — nobody wants to appear wrong after all.
Yet as Psychology Today describes, such “Psychological rigidity is not a sign of strength, it is an indication of weakness.”
So how do we adopt a psychologically sounder approach to our discussions and our disagreements? Well, why not approach them by recognizing them not for what they are, but for what they can be — that is, an inherent opportunity to learn something new.
You’ll be far better off if you let your guard down, put your ego aside, and ultimately challenge yourself with a new perspective.
In any conversation, there will always be scope for you to think about a subject matter in a way you’ve never thought of before, especially if you’re hearing the opinions of someone who thinks in an entirely different way to you.
Use such discussions to your advantage. Embrace the opportunity to challenge your viewpoints. Be open to changing your mind. It’s what makes us better thought-processors after all. Albert Einstein said it best.
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
Don’t disagree for the sake of it. Be ready to change your argument if it’s not up to scratch. It’s always the wiser path to walk.
And as a Last Resort: Know How and When To Walk Away
Suppose you’re now a master of having open and honest disagreements without letting them transpire into full-blown wars.
Well, what happens when you do eventually stumble onto a conversation that for whatever reason, is starting to spiral out of control, or worse, is going round in circles with neither party willing to stand down?
Well, rather than hammering away at the same issue until midnight, perhaps it’s worth remembering that both parties might be better off if they end the conversation sooner rather than later. But what’s the best way to do so in an effective, but still friendly manner?
Well, here are a few phrases that often work wonders in such situations:
- “How about we agree to disagree here?”
- “I see where you’re coming from, but I’m afraid I’m not with you on this one.”
- “I’ll think about what you’ve just said, but I can’t promise I’m convinced. Let’s revisit this at a later date.”
- “Perhaps we’re looking at this from two opposing views, and I guess we’ll never know who’s right or wrong on this matter.”
When you head into a conversation knowing that you’ve got a get-out-of-jail-card secured in your back pocket, it instantly instills a sense of confidence — the type that almost always guarantees an amicable outcome. Simply said, there’s really no need to go all-guns-blazing when you can quietly and effectively walk away.
A Quick Recap
Conversations can be easy — even when different viewpoints are being shared. You just have to learn how to handle them better. Or as the late Ruth Ginsburg once said:
“You can disagree without being disagreeable.”
So here’s what to keep in mind:
- Never interrupt someone, even if you fundamentally can’t stand their opinion. It’s simply bad etiquette that’s never appreciated.
- Learn to accept the fact that not everybody has to agree with you. And you don’t have to agree with them either.
- Embrace modesty and be open to recognising that your viewpoint might not actually be up to scratch. Is there an opportunity you’re missing here to learn something new? The answer is almost always yes.
- And finally, be ready to end a discussion that’s going nowhere, or worse, getting out of hand. But more importantly, always make sure to do so politely. Phrases like “agree to disagree” are powerful escape routes when it’s simply time to go home.
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