Thoughts

Blankets and Bleeding Hearts

During World War II, my grandmother and grandfather were prisoners inside a German labor camp for captured soldiers and staff of the Red Army. My grandpa was one of the lucky ones, in that since he had a college degree (in engineering mind you), he was pulled aside and granted…

Dear Santa

All I want for Christmas is a four-year coma.

Sincerely,

Nick

Too Few

If the multiverse theory is true I wonder in how many universes I might be flying around on a jetpack, solving crimes.

Gun control

The thing I don’t like about guns is that for them to be useful, you have to use bullets. You have to put in the extra effort to load the gun, which uses up valuable seconds and broadcasts your intentions in a crisis situation. This is why when confronted by danger, I just immediately hurl myself…

Comforting my loved ones.

Before I die, I’ve decided I’m putting a secret provision in my will to pay a look-alike of me to dress up in my clothes and stand off in the distance during the funeral. That way people will be reminded and comforted to know that I will always be watching over them.

Vexing

I must have had a sour look on my face, because a friend asked me if something was wrong. There was, but I didn’t have the heart to tell them what was really on my mind. I’d spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out if Ducktales and Darkwing Duck exist in the same universe.

The People v. Ursula

When I was a kid I thought being a lawyer meant you got to deal with contracts signed in blood or settling disputes between mermaids and evil sea-witches over the ownership of a voice exchanged for legs. Turns out most of it is just sitting down in front of a computer and drinking expensive coffee.

Spec shopping

I really don’t know why the lady in the eyeglasses store was so upset. How else am I going to test out these frames? Half the reason you wear glasses is to be able to take them off dramatically and look super serious all of a sudden.

I’m so alone here.

You know that moment when you’re really feeling something, and you’re so full of emotion you want to hash out your feelings with someone else and hope they’ll validate your feelings, so you decide to share it and you walk up and try to talk to someone about it, and they’re like, giving you that…

Fun-erary Planning

I found some old papers from college the other night. I don’t know why I still had them, but I was rereading this paper for a sociology class on death. We had to write our own eulogy and describe our funerary plans. Is it unreasonable to want the pallbearers at your funeral to be dressed like…