I Normalized These 4 Abusive Behaviours. Spot Them And Save A Life.

On the surface, abuse is not easy to spot but if you dig just a little deeper, you will lose sleep at our scars.

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I will never get tired of talking about my escape from abuse. It might make a person uncomfortable but for that one person that it can make a difference for, I feel duty bound to share from my pain and trauma vault.

1. Preparing guests and friends: Someone staying over? I had to ‘playfully’ let them know that my ex could get intense. Don’t be alarmed when he is trying to ‘passionately’ explain something to me by screaming at me and calling me names. “His heart is in good place and that is just how his voice is”. As for the insults? Well, don’t take it personal on my account. He insults everyone else. He wouldn’t insult you though. You are not everyone else. I am. Have a friend who ‘prepares’ you before you meet their partner? Yeah.
2. Weird/out of character passions: Body piercings? Tattoos? Being “oh so free?”- in my case, I did a few but the worst? I twerked. Nothing wrong with twerking except- I didn’t know how to. Still don’t. Probably looked like a fish flailing around on sand. The image of me trying to be sexy to those innocent folks, I still wake up in tears. Know a friend who is suddenly ‘trying too hard?’. Might want to check in.
3. High tolerance for disrespect: Think of a statue. One with a smile plastered on- that was me when my ex was screaming down the heavens at me. Or insulting me. “Idiot”- smile. “Animal”- smile. “Useless fool”- biggest smile. Why? I thought I was supposed to win them over by being ‘good’. Good was being on my best behaviour no matter the disrespect. Well, I said ‘ex’ right? Save yourself and save a soul- there is nothing to respect or disrespect by being polite when someone is dehumanizing you. Respect yourself by fleeing. It does not get better. Know a friend who is “stoic” and nothing moves them when world war Z is happening around them? Confirm actually that they are stoics.
4. Personality shift: I am an introvert and I can stay ages without calling anyone just to catch up. I found out that abuse chased me out often. I wanted to be anywhere but where my ex was. Made me healthier too- staircase or an elevator? Staircase it was. What was the hurry in life anyway? I also started to know all the fun places to eat. Yes, I tried a lot of new places but it was a horrible experience. My heart just wasn’t in any of them. Fear lived in my heart. I couldn’t concentrate. I hated the noise. I had to fake cheer around my friends for hours. It was cruel. And too noisy for my introverted spirit but I had to grin and bear it. And of course, I had to call people. I had to share stuff with them which was equally tasking to my spirit because most of what I was sharing were lies. No one had to really know what was going on. Know an introvert who is suddenly hanging out? Doesn’t want to go home? Calls at all hours just to chat? Or an extrovert who seems to have fallen off the face of the earth? Check in with them.

Thank you for reading.

My name is Adaobi Okwy. Please turn on Email Notification for my next post. Also, Buy me coffee?

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