FOR LOVE OR PEANUT BUTTER
The One Time I Fell For Dick Pics
It’s all about the long game.
Faithful readers: welcome back. New readers who have just shown up and are wondering WTF my damage is with peanut butter, welcome! It’s time to meet the last of four suitors who I dated (by accident) during the lockdowns of 2020. If you need to catch up, you can start here with A, B, and C, then proceed below for the lowdown on D.
So, D is for dick pic. I know they’re controversial, and believe me, I’m not a fan. I believe that consent should be acquired before any dick pics are exchanged, just like IRL sexual encounters. Unsolicited dick pics are like a slo-mo replay of a horrific sports injury: you physically recoil at the sight and desperately wish you could unsee them.
I once received a text from a random 714 number I didn’t know that simply said “Hey babe.” Since I was very much single at the time I replied, “Who is this?” And what did I get in response? A picture of a dick wearing a sombrero! Ay caramba! Aaand, blocked. (See that, guys? He cock-blocked himself.)
Another time, I had just taken a conversation with a guy from Hinge off the app and given him my phone number. Not three exchanges in and bam, dick pic. You’ve been served: here’s my subpoenis.
