I Had Sex in Public at a Goth/Fetish Club — But I Didn’t Ask for Consent from My Male Partner
My fourth candied kiss to you.
I recently wrote about the shuttering of the exclusive, members-only L.A. goth club, Cloak and Dagger, over sexual misconduct charges. The piece is called: #MeToo Has Reached the Goth Club — But Is This a Good Thing?
In a nutshell, the female employees of the club allege that Adam Bravin, the club’s co-founder, crossed serious boundaries of professional propriety with them. Female club employees also claim to have been sexually attacked by male club members. And then there’s the accusation by Hannah Harding that actor Thomas Middleditch assaulted her on the venue premises.
And even still, when I first read about the closing of this club, I shook my head and wondered if #MeToo belonged in such venues. I worried that too much policing of attendees’ behavior could lead to a stale and boring atmosphere.
In my case, I was grateful to have had such wonderful sexual experiences at such clubs when I was younger. I didn’t want that freedom taken away from me (or the women who would come after me) by some kind of radical-feminist vibe that made everyone scared to even touch each other for fear of coming under attack of having committed sexual assault.
If an atmosphere conducive to sexual exploration didn’t exist in such venues, how could I have had the experience I wrote about in my piece, The Hazard of Exploring Your Sexuality With Your “Vanilla” Friends?
In this piece, I describe the time I had sex in front of a bunch of other people at a goth/fetish club. The experience made me feel like I’d broken new ground in life.
Here’s how I describe it:
By having sex in public, I was throwing out the myths that I’d been taught as a younger woman. These myths said that women didn’t like sex as much as men did, that we weren’t just as horny, that our sexuality was something we should keep under lock and key until the “right guy” came around.
No — I rejected it all. I could have sex with anyone I wanted and still be a smart, confident woman.
The problem was, the man I had sex with was a guy I considered to be “vanilla.” What I mean by this is that he didn’t work in the sex industry and wasn’t into kink. He definitely wasn’t into exploring his sexuality like I was.
After we had sex in public, I remember telling this friend, named Eric, how amazing I thought the experience we’d just had was. He didn’t see it that way at all. All he could say was that what we’d done together was “dirty and wrong.”
You can believe that I was very upset by his reaction. I immediately felt like I’d made a mistake in choosing him to explore my sexuality with. I summed it up as simply the hazard of having explored my sexuality with someone who was too “vanilla.”
Eric was a prude and still held onto certain beliefs about sex that I found to be antiquated. We were at different paths in our sexual journeys. I couldn’t expect him to understand me or what we’d we done together in a positive light.
But in reading the comments on that piece, one definitely struck a chord with me.
One of the commenters wrote:
Did you actually ask for consent here? Because it sounds like you didn't. And that could be a big reason why Eric felt dirty and wrong afterwards. He could well have felt that a "real man" wouldn't say no to a woman trying to have sex with him, and once there's an audience watching if he'd said no or stopped he would have looked like a prude and been mocked. Did you ever consider this? Or did you just selfishly decide to push past his boundaries for the sake of your sexual liberation?Just because a man kisses you don't mean he wants to have exhibitionistic sex with you. Just because a man gets aroused doesn't mean he wants to have sex with you at that particular point in time. You need to realise this.I’d never considered that maybe I hadn’t asked for Eric’s consent to have sex with me. Perhaps I had forced him to explore with me in a way that felt uncomfortable to him. He had felt coerced into performing with me that night at that club, especially once there were a bunch of people watching us. I had actually overstepped his boundaries.
Maybe he hadn’t really wanted to have sex with me, but only felt obligated. That’s why he regretted it afterward.
Women also need to ask for consent from men for sex.
In my article, #MeToo Has Reached the Goth Club — But Is This a Good Thing? I write about how I finally came to the conclusion that it is indeed possible to create a club environment where consent is part of the conversation. Making it a rule and an expectation that men have to ask for consent for every move they make with women at such clubs won’t ruin the libertarian mood of the atmosphere. It will just make the club safer for women.
But at the same time, I want to throw it out there that I also believe that men’s boundaries should be respected in the same way. We have to create a healthier sexual environment for people in general. If we expect more safety and respect for women, this needs to extend to men, too.
I abhor stereotypes and so I’m not going to claim that every man is a sex-crazed animal who’s up for sex with every woman all the time. Men can also feel forced into sexual activity they don’t feel comfortable with.
What do you think? Is this true? Should women be expected to ask men for consent before sex? Is it possible for women to force men into sexual experiences they don’t really want to have?
Please let me know your opinion in the comments.
And don’t forget that I’m now posting sexy photos of myself on OnlyFans. There, I answer any private questions you might have about my life and my job as a sex worker.
Also, don’t forget you can support my work on Ko-Fi. With the price of a cup (or two) of coffee, I am up for answering any private questions you may have about sex on that platform.
And above all, thanks for reading my work. It means a lot to me that you subscribe to this newsletter at all. So please know I really appreciate that!
Big hug and stay safe!
Mysterious
