How To Tap Into the Solitude-Superpower
In 2020 we live in a busy world. I’d argue that people have never been busier in the history of humankind. Although technological developments are happening at a stunning pace and we can hardly keep up with the ever-increasing amounts of information in our pockets, being busy is nowadays more than an externally inflicted necessity. In our society productivity — and sadly also exhaustion — is a status symbol. Being busy is simply cool.
Even though we don’t like to admit it, the majority of us are exhausted. This is confirmed by a large study, which also looked for solutions to the problem by examining how people defined restful activities. The rather fascinating finding was that virtually all of the activities people labeled as “restful” are usually done alone. So could it be that we are exhausted mostly due to the fact that we are constantly surrounded by others and the secret to rest actually lies in staying away from other people?
The reason behind this phenomenon is that our brains are hardwired to gather as much social information as possible. Thus, whenever we are around other people, we are less focused on whatever it is we are actually doing, as some part of our brain is constantly wondering what others might be thinking or feeling. Whether we like not or not, we are always multitasking, when we are around other people — which is stressful.
The benefits of being alone
Spending time alone, in turn, allows us to decompress and relax. As we become more present, we process the events in our lives as well as our thoughts and emotions. It is a kind of social decompression that is essential to recharge our energy levels — even for the greatest of networkers among us. However, being alone doesn’t only help us to rest but is also beneficial in several other aspects of our lives.
Productivity and Creativity
Let’s start with the most obvious one. The additional mental bandwidth we have access to when we are alone can help us to become more focused and thus increase our productivity. Additionally, we are also way more creative whenever we are alone. It’s just easier to create when we are not afraid to be judged or concerned about fitting in. In short: when you want to do your best work, it usually makes sense to isolate yourself.
Self-awareness
This is where it gets more interesting. You might have heard the quote by Jim Rohn: “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” before. Although it might be a little more complex than that, it is certainly true that the people around us influence us to a strong extent.
Think about it: Which of your beliefs, values, desires, and dreams are actually your own — and which are merely adapted from your peers, parents, culture or society as a whole? This question leads down the rather fundamental rabbit hole of “Who is actually in charge?” — do we have free will or are we just a product of our environment? Tough one…
Luckily for both of us, I won’t go down the (quite philosophical) road of trying to answer this question. The point is rather that because we most certainly do become like the people we spend time with to a certain extent, spending time with ourselves makes us become more like ourselves. This applies to both discovering who you actually are in the first place (your interests, tastes, emotions, needs, etc.) as well as reconnecting with yourself along the way — after all, we all get sidetracked sometimes.
Relationships
At first, it seems counterintuitive: How will spending time alone positively influence our relationships? Well, although spending time together is definitely a very important factor influencing relationship quality, there are a couple of other factors as well. One of them is… surprise… self-awareness. Consequently, through the dynamic explained above, spending time alone can actually help us to strengthen our connections to the people we love by becoming more authentic around them. I found this gem on Pinterest a while ago, which underlines the point quite elegantly.
How I actively practice solitude
Personally, I consider myself an extrovert. Yet, although I love being around people, I find that it drains my energy after some time. Also, I often feel confused and out of touch with myself after prolonged periods of social interaction. Throughout the last years, I realized that to reconnect with myself and refuel my energy, I need to be alone — something I had previously avoided as much as possible. Nowadays, when everything just seems too much, I withdraw and soon things fall into perspective as the chattering around me and in my head clears and… you may roll your eyes… I can hear my inner voice again.
Interestingly enough, for me, this works both on a small as well as on a big scale. While withdrawing most definitely helps me to recalibrate in daily life, I have also found that I have made the biggest leaps in terms of personal development after periods of increased solitude. Whenever I moved to a new city or otherwise spent extended amounts of time by myself, I seemed to understand myself better. During these episodes of my life, I was often not only alone but also lonely (which is not the same thing) and bored. However, although it was painful at the time, the growth I experienced in those times was worth the short-term discomfort a thousand times.
While this is just my personal experience, you have probably heard this before. Most spiritual teachers — the Buddha, Christ, Eckhart Tolle, etc. — reached their enlightenment after prolonged periods of isolation, there are countless examples in the artistic world and, even research has caught up and confirmed what everybody seems to know already: solitude is necessary to develop and maintain self-awareness.
Now, this all sounds great but, in fact, after spending an entire weekend in my room watching Netflix and piling up delivery bags on the floor next to my bed, I never quite experienced that strong sense of self-consciousness and zen-like presence the Buddha claimed to have attained. So, actually, it can’t quite be the mere isolation from others that is so effective in reconnecting us with ourselves. That’s because — as with most things in life — it’s more about the how than the what. If we just replace the input we get from other people with some other input, we don’t gain much. Rather, we need to consciously create blank space.
Blank space: the key to self-development
Blank space is what I refer to as time spent with as little external input as possible — without going crazy. I’m not even kidding about the going crazy part… In fact, a study found that most people prefer electric shocks over a complete absence of stimuli for less than 15 minutes. Most of us are simply addicted to consuming at least one thing while doing another thing simultaneously. We just can’t stand having nothing to listen to other than our own thoughts. So we distract our senses with food, social media, podcasts, news, music, alcohol — and yes, also Netflix.
I’m not saying that you should stop reading, watching movies or — god forbid — eating. Just pay attention to why you do it. Watching a documentary about a topic you are really interested in is usually something entirely different than going on a Game of Thrones marathon after you and your partner have just broken up. One is enjoyment, the other is numbing. While this example is rather obvious, try to notice the difference in subtler situations.
Creating blank space is about consciously deciding to not numb or distract yourself for a certain period to focus your attention on what is happening inside: thoughts, emotions, desires… If you have never done this before, you might want to take it easy in the beginning though. Especially for extroverted people, it can be quite difficult at first. That’s ok — try to not stress about it and make it fun. Enjoy the process of becoming better and celebrate little improvements. To make it more game-like here are some levels that you can master and then move on:
Level 1: Mundane awareness
You can begin by just trying to do normal things as riding the subway without distracting yourself. If you manage that, try something even more boring — maybe a doctor’s waiting room without your phone or those tempting magazines. Just play around a little and observe your thoughts and feelings instead of giving in to the urge to distract yourself. Using these “off times” consistently will help you to become more self-aware in your everyday life without having to invest any additional time.
Level 2: Me-Time
If you want to go one step further, set aside some dedicated “me-time”. You don’t have to go straight into a strict daily practice. If all you can do is two hours on a Sunday afternoon, that’s fine too. During that time, do things that you like — just try to have fun and make it a habit to spend time alone. This level has four sub-levels:
- Treat yourself: Do something you enjoy but usually don’t do because it takes too much time or effort. You could take a bath, cook yourself a great dinner, do some yoga, take a nap or do whatever else you love but usually don’t get around to.
- Go places: If you can, head out and explore nature. However, just wandering through a city purposelessly can be great too. Finally, you can also visit specific places alone: a cinema, a café, a museum, a park, a restaurant…
- Get creative: If you already have a passion, go do what you love. If you don’t, try something you find interesting. It doesn’t have to be fine arts, it could be mundane things like gardening, building a snowman, cooking or fixing things. If you enjoy doing it and you are creating something in the process, it’s creativity.
- Travel: This is the sabbatical in which you travel the world, find yourself and grow your hair — or just a weekend trip to a bed & breakfast in the countryside. You’ll find that observing how you behave in new environments is as interesting as it gets.
Level 3: Active introspection
Time to enter the hocus-pocus. Actively practicing introspection means not even doing anything to distract you on the physical level anymore. Great ways to completely turn your attention inwards are journaling or meditation. Choose whatever you like best and, again, just start small. Building a routine and practicing consistently is the key to success.
Find your own way
Again, these are the things that have worked for me. Everyone has to find out what works best for them in terms of the practices they do and what balance between being alone and being with others suits them best. Because at the end of the day it will be the interplay between solitude and consciously being around other people that will make you learn most about yourself.
Just keep in mind that your me-time should be enjoyable and a source of energy for you. Yet, this does not mean that it always has to come easy. Sometimes, listening to what’s inside our heads and hearts is beautiful, sometimes it might, however, be quite the opposite. Keep in mind that when it gets tough, you are probably making great progress. Just trust the process and remember: discomfort over regret.
Originally published on The Mindful Millennial on February 9, 2020.
