Almost Sodomized by a Redneck

My dispatcher sent me to pick this fella up at the Dominion House. Now, first of all, you have to understand that I’ve been trying to…

Circle-Circle-Dot-Dot Now I’ve got my Cootie Shot

Remember that kid everyone teased when you were in grade school? You know the kid, the one that had cooties? Everybody was scared of getting too close to him, and if he went to touch them they’d scream “circle- circle, dot-dot, now I got my…

Some Cars aren’t Meant to Last

One thing I really get upset about when I pick people up in my cab is if they reach to put on their seatbelt. Nothing says you don’t have confidence in my driving more than reaching to put on your seatbelt. Let’s remember that I am a paid professional and this is my job. I…

Dragged into the Drug War

Wow, what a night. I happened to pick this guy up downtown as he came out of Rumors. He asked me how much it was to go to Kitchener and I told him 45 bucks upfront. He reached into his pocket, handed me eighty and asked if I’d take that for a ride there and back. Told him to buckle…

Pulled Over by The Man

I got nailed by a cop the other night. Not that I didn’t deserve it. After all, I did cut him off. He probably spilt his coffee all over his lap too, trying to avoid colliding with me. Should have seen his face when I came barreling around the corner and cut across his lane doing eighty…

Aiding and Abetting Campbell Connor

Old people are fun. Yes, contrary to popular belief, senior citizens are a riot. Despite the fact that on a daily basis I have to perform such chores as lifting them out of their wheelchairs and into my cab, I still find it hilarious to be around them. And probably…

A Theatre Review from the Back of a Taxi

The other day I happened to pick up Antoni Cimolino, the General Manager of the Stratford Festival, as he was coming out of Pazzo with Ron Shaw, the City of Stratford’s CEO. Evidently, it was some sort of business luncheon. He quickly opened the door, hopped…

Foreward …

Whenever I meet another cabbie I always ask how many years they’ve been driving hack. Answers like 25 or 30 years always astound me. You see, driving hack isn’t exactly a profession anyone plans on doing.

A Stratford Tour: Teachers, Tree Forts and Missing Socks

I was getting ready to call it a night, filling the cab with gas, when a Ryder truck, cab packed with a driver and three passengers, pulled up and the driver asked me if I’d follow them to Shakespeare and give them a lift back into…

Special Delivery to the Detox Unit

Started work today with one hell of a hangover. It’s always a chore to start any job after a night of hard-drinking, let alone having to then get behind the wheel. Driving isn’t necessarily the hard part — it’s holding a conversation with your fare that’s the problem…

No Need to Handle With Care

Today I picked this old guy up from the hospital and took him over to a nursing home across town. He told me he was going to go sleep with an old friend. I thought nothing of it as he talked about how he was going to get laid.

Pulled Over by The Man Revisited

Interludes between the cops and I are beginning to become quite regular. When I first started this job I could get away with the craziest shit right under their noses. But it seems as though the blood of the past is coming to a boil once again. Shit, it’s almost been a…

A Cabby’s Manhood Threatened

Talk about a dash to one’s manhood — imagine having to explain you were beat-up by a few girls. Talk about humiliating, especially while sporting a nice shiner.

After the bars poured out their drunken patrons, these two girls hopped in my car and…

‘Sorry I had Such a Good Time’

A local legend of sorts I pick up regularly is a guy named Swine. He’s an old, greasy, longhaired biker with a flair for partying and living on the edge — he likes his drinks and enjoys the good times that go along with them. Any time spent with Swine could never be…