SELF-IMPROVEMENT
Prisoner of Personality II
The Surgical Lens of Self-Scrutiny: A Clear and Honest Assessment of Your Character
Are your habits hindering a loved one? Do your conditions and complexes control the choices and quality of life of someone around you? Is your forgetfulness, thoughtlessness, or self-righteousness burdening the life of another?
If so, they are your “prisoner of personality”.
…A SAFE SPACE…
FOR MANY OF US, ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS TO DO is to be honest with ourselves — to look with clarity through a lens directly at ourselves and judge what we see. It’s not very comfortable to be aware of our own inferior qualities, especially those that negatively influence the lives of others. We don’t want to know that our actions may be holding people back or sabotaging the lives they’re attempting to enjoy or create. Because it can be so challenging to witness this behavior and its effects in ourselves, we may ignore and dismiss those behaviors. We might align ourselves with people who will validate, enable or even encourage our small-mindedness and conceit. Or we act as the victim justified, pretending to do the personal growth work, while complaining about how arduous it is, how much we’ve put in, how the Universe is acting against us.
But it’s all pretense and avoidance, and we’re comfortable in the lie because we know that doing the real work will be so much harder. And we’re not ready for that.
Ultimately, we just want a safe space for our narcissism and self-righteousness. For some it’s an environment to practice our sadistic ways-of-being. These are the spaces in which we can get away with being devious, where we’re “supposed” to be allowed to be “only human”, where it’s okay to gaslight, lie and abuse, even if in small, seemingly insignificant ways. The frameworks of family, friends, and intimate partners are ideal for this process. And it’s so easy to say that those who bring the behavior to our attention are the ones who are bad friends, not ourselves. If they loved me, they’d accept me as I am…
This definition of love, however, is perverted to signify one who enables the worst in us, fights our battles for us, defends the error in our personalities, and/or sacrifices their voice and vision when we take advantage of their kindness and support.
…FOUNDATIONS AND FRAMEWORKS…
IF WE DESIRE RESPECT, APPRECIATION AND FAIRNESS from others we would reciprocate in kind. We would allow them to speak their hearts and minds openly while maturely listening to their truth of how they experience our presence in their lives.
Having the capacity to listen with intention, consideration and compassion is a crucial ability to have in all types of relationships. Each point-of-view needs to be understood. Even if someone’s personal truth turns out to be hurtful or inaccurate, having the respect and fortitude to witness these outside perspectives can be the key to attaining an agreeable resolution of conflict and to shifting inferior ways-of-being in yourself and others.
Unfortunately, we often don’t want to expose our less-savory sides; we just want people to placate and validate us. We become okay with the foundations and frameworks of our relationships being riddled with dissatisfaction and resentment.
So how do I create such a foundation?
…SEE YOURSELF CLEARLY AND WITH INTENTION…
RECOGNIZE. RELATE. RESPOND. REPAIR. RELEASE.
RECOGNIZE your own behaviors.
For example, you may have a tendency to point out the qualities you don’t like in others. So, if you come up against questionable behaviors in others, ask yourself:
Where in my life might I behave the same way?
You may find that you condemn others for having characteristics you condone in yourself.
You can also observe yourself with a curious, open mind, and ask:
If someone behaved this way toward me, how would I feel?
How are my thoughts and actions affecting my quality of life?
How do I affect others?
Opening yourself up to awareness of your behavior and personality is a challenging but crucial step because you allow yourself to be vulnerable. And while vulnerability may expose you, it also invites more opportunities for healing, improvement and self-love.
RELATE to any error and consequences of your ways-of-being with honesty, compassion and kindness. Use the awareness you’ve been practicing to parent yourself in a loving, accountable manner and accept the person you’ve discovered you’ve been. As more of you is unearthed, contemplate the reasons and influences that correspond with your behaviors. Allow yourself to understand (without condoning inferior qualities or playing the victim) how you became this person. Offer yourself compassion and love as an individual in need of support and guidance. And encourage yourself to self-evaluate frequently so you can continue to explore and grow.
RESPOND to the old behaviors and habits with determining who you intend to become by learning, healing, integrating lessons and practicing new ways-of-being. This can be cumbersome to do alone or around people who are invested in your inferior qualities. Commit to inviting a different standard of relationship into your life and sphere — people who are capable of listening with intention and telling you what you need to hear in loving and conscious ways, ones who encourage your better self and goals, those who hold you accountable for the choices you make. Stand for your vision of yourself and your life.
REPAIR your relationship with others and yourself. This may come in many forms. But the idea is to apologize and make amends (if the recipient is amenable to it) for any negative and destructive consequences you may have caused. Putting considerable effort into benefiting and being of service to those you’ve harmed creates a space for resolution and forgiveness. But, moreover, it puts support where support may be needed.
RELEASE the residual energy around any error and trauma involved through the appreciation of life lessons, forgiveness of yourself for the pain you’ve caused others and yourself, and forgiving those who’ve hurt you and the ones you love.
This is a big request. Forgiveness is a process that can take years to reach if you reach it at all. In this case, the destination is not as important as the journey. The journey allows you to break down behaviors, catalysts, and effects. You get to move at your own pace to come to terms with circumstance and free up space in yourself for better feelings, productive thoughts and appreciation. And the journey to forgiveness helps you move toward your authentic self who is less burdened by your past.
To see yourself clearly and with intention demands a steady hand to hold the surgical lens of self-scrutiny and a dedicated will to look through the lens with a sense of self-discovery and -improvement. You don’t have to cultivate controlling relationships where anyone is a “prisoner of personality”. With practice you can accomplish habitual self-regulation and discernment that leads to joyful, fulfilling, authentic, and mutually beneficial connections with others and yourself.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. This is a part of an ongoing series. Though the pieces share similar themes, can be read in chronological order, and link back to each other, they are also self-contained. Feel free to examine the other sections in whatever way works for you.
If you’re interested in something different, you can peruse my poetry and short stories on my profile and my personal publication, The All-Self.
