Bay Ridge Economy Soars in Final Week of Primary Season
*Satire ahead!*
The local economies of Bay Ridge, Dyker Heights, Bath Beach and Bensonhurst are soaring this week as a primary season the likes of which the district has never seen draws to a delirious close. Stressed, half-sane campaign staff and volunteers are flooding local businesses, leading to a surge in the price of coffee, halal cart food, bottled water, and alcohol.
“I don’t care who wins, as long as they keep working this hard.” said local coffee-shop owner Alice Yen. “My net profits have gone through the roof these last few weeks. It’s always a struggle to keep a business open in Bay Ridge, but I gotta say, these campaigns are really stepping it up. Last night, a man wandered in right at opening time, looked as if he was up all night, and accidentally handed me a fifty for a nutella latte.” Mrs. Yen’s eyes lit up: “He barely knew where he was. This needs to keep happening.”
Campaign staff offices are in overdrive organizing volunteers and get-out-the-vote canvassers, often ending their days with no time to even walk home, much less cook themselves a meal. Restaurants, bars and Airbnb rentals have been at capacity since last weekend. Instant coffee, raw cane sugar, ibuprofen, and bottled water have been entirely emptied from store shelves.
“We’re right around the corner from one of the offices.” said homeowner and Airbnb renter Janet Stein, who is currently vacationing in California and renting out the apartment while she is away. “[The staffers] all live in the neighborhood, but they can’t afford to lose the fifteen minutes it’d take to walk home, so we set up a few bunk-beds.” Mrs. Stein has reportedly made over $900 off the listings. “They’ll do anything to support the person they feel is right. It’s given me hope.”
Local restaurants, faced with a mounting demand to feed the swarm of volunteers, phone-bankers and canvassers, have been the most affected. “We normally lose money to Seamless fees. Nobody comes out to eat. Everyone hides in their homes. It’s bad for business.” said local restaurant owner Felix Ferrer. “But last night, we almost had a brawl when volunteers from four separate campaigns were all trying to pick up their orders of over twenty tacos apiece at the same time, and we ran out of horchata.” The brawl resulted in numerous bruised egos, but no lasting damage. Mr. Ferrer viewed the incident in a positive light, seeing the brawl as a sign of positive change in the neighborhood “For once, Bay Ridge isn’t an electoral backwater, it’s a bellwether. We are giving Sunset Park a run for it’s money as far as ‘giving a shit’ goes. Engaged people are hungry people.”
Local bar-goer Jim McMasters disagrees. He recounted an incident at his local bar, which has seen a surge in boozy political volunteers and activists after 12am. “I just want to go to the bar to unwind, but instead, it’s filled with people discussing local politics, racial justice, qualifications for effective local leadership, outreach to marginalized communities, and the optics of political strategy. They were jumping down each others throats, but when I asked them the quiet down so I could watch the match, they stood together and shouted me down.” Mr. McMasters said he hasn’t seen so many fired-up residents in his lifetime. “What the fuck is going on? They are supposed to be drinking to ease their sorrow, not to ease the stress of expanding their wide-ranging grassroots political movements. I didn’t vote to Make Donald Drumpf Again for this.”
