Rep. Donovan Confused By Number Of People Asking Him Questions
*Satire Ahead!*
Days after the conclusion of a series of miniature low-impact “Coffee with Your Congressman” events, Dan Donovan remains despondent this Thanksgiving. Sources close to the Representative say he feels caught off guard by the fact that questions were routinely asked at the event, often above his grade level, to which he didn’t have answers.
“He just managed to get out of a phone booth he was locked in for nearly a year.” said Donovan’s wife Serena. “He just wanted to have some coffee, do the rounds. Where in these events did it say ‘Come have coffee, but also grill me about my job?’”
“Excuse me, is this the line for picking up your order?” — Rep. Donovan’s opening statement to crowd
Early social-media posts seem to reinforce the idea that Donovan had no intention of answering questions, instead thinking it would be a series of coffee-tasting events with light chit-chat, primary pertaining to preferred roasting styles. In a tweet two hours before a Staten Island event, Donovan’s official House of Representatives account posted a photo of a Starbucks gift card with the caption “Are they still doing Pumpkin Spice??? So excited.”
“When we brought him into the school cafeteria he seemed genuinely confused,” said Community Affairs officer Robert Patrick, who helped provide security at the Fort Hamilton High School event. “He asked if I was the barista, and where the counter was to order a mocha latte. He barely understood why all these seats were arranged to face him.”
Donovan showed up at least ten to fifteen minutes late to each two-hour event. Protesters outside claim to have observed Donovan’s staff rushing to place “Coffee this way!” signs on entrances to each venue and having trouble coaxing the occasionally bewildered coffee-loving Congressman into each event. Later events seemed to include staffers dressing in green Starbucks aprons insisting to the increasingly frightened Donovan that “There will be coffee this time, we promise. No constituents. Just coffee.”
At the events, Donovan frequently appeared flustered, unable to answer basic questions about his voting record or bills he has signed. He frequently asked his better-informed constituents to help jog his memory or even volunteer to help write legislation for him. “He seemed perplexed when we mentioned that’s his job, not ours, and he has a paid staff that are paid to provide research,” said one constituent. “He said that if he had paid staff, how come nobody tried to rescue him from that phone booth in February.”
The Ambrose Light reached out to Donovan’s D.C. office for clarification. Chief of Staff Blaire Bartlett explained over the phone “Representative Donovan was not tricked under false pretenses to meet with his constituents by his staff. He just loves coffee, to the point of gullibility.” After making her statement, Mrs. Bartlett could be audibly heard checking a box next to the words ‘Trick Dan into holding a Town Hall’.
In one particularly awkward moment came at Port Richmond High School after a fifth question about his decision to support eliminating the DREAM act. Donovan nervously placed his microphone to his lips and made an apparent attempt to sip the object as if it were an espresso.
Many of the Representative’s questions pivoted toward caffeinated beverages to no avail. One common theme across all five events was Donovan’s habit of interrupting questions to interject the phrase, “Gee, is anyone thirsty? I sure am.” while looking optimistically around the room, before slumping back into his chair.
“I just wanted to sit and have coffee. Why is everyone asking me so many questions? Please, leave me alone.” — Rep. Dan Donovan, in response to a question about Net Neutrality
Some of Donovan’s past acquaintances from his time as District Attorney say that his actions are not unusual. Said one prosecutor who wished to remain anonymous: “Danny wasn’t really the kind of lawyer who liked asking or answering questions… [he] preferred hanging out after trial at the Gavel Grill. Sometimes during trial too. He really hated all that research and reading. It’s probably why he decided to run for Congress.”
Sources close to the Congressman report that he is taking no chances this holiday, and is eating Thanksgiving dinner alone in a small enclosed box where nobody can ask him questions.
