So, You Want to Change the World
What’s holding you back?
My grandmother would’ve turned 82 this month if she hadn’t passed away a few years ago. She had a couple of episodes of strokes accompanied by epilepsy, and ultimately, she succumbed to her illness after fighting for over three years.
I struggled greatly with this because to me, this person meant everything. I remember saying as a child that I love her so much that I can’t bear losing her, and that I might end it all if something were to happen to her.
This, of course, didn’t happen; otherwise, I couldn’t have written what you’re now reading. However, that doesn’t mean that I haven’t tried.
Ever since, when October comes around, I find ways to stray from healthy habits and tendencies I usually have. Last year was an exception, but this year I am again stuck in the same situation thanks to a concoction of other challenges that decided to join in.
The thing is that like most people, I have grand ideas; things I want to do to leave my mark on this world. And for years, I had failed to see what was and still is the case. It appears that I’m not only holding on to the past, but also onto unchangeable facts of my life. And in doing so, I fail to do whatever is necessary to reach the goal I mentioned earlier. I’m sure that the chances are quite high that you face the same challenge with your own personal circumstances if you’ve read this far. Chances are that you know exactly what I’m talking about as well because you can identify with this feeling of being stuck facing an unsurmountable mountain right in front of you.
My name is Ilsmarie, and in this article, I attempt to delve deeper into understanding the extent to which these circumstances affect us the way they do. And throughout, I also discuss my primary approach.
Note: at some point I will discuss depression and mental disorders briefly. I have done some extensive reading over the years on the said topic to better understand what I was going through. This does not make me an expert in the field, so please take all advice with a grain of salt. If you are in a crisis or if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please stop reading and contact your doctor, therapist or someone you trust.
Bad things happen and are a normal part of life.
Unfortunate events occur all the time and are waiting around every corner. Most of the time, the best decision we can make is to stop and deal with what we’re feeling right away. Because bottling it up will only make the situation worse down the line.
Whether it’s grieving or simply taking some time to recollect ourselves, it’s the most natural element of our humanity and therefore necessary.
Our emotions and reactions toward these happenings should last longer than the one-year timeframe stipulated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) without us having to feel worried that something out of the ordinary is wrong.
The DSM is in a nutshell, the widely influential bible of mental disorders. And if we take a look, we’d see that basically, anyone who has lost someone or something they genuinely cared about, will be diagnosed as mentally ill after one year (if they still display the same symptoms).
This latest version of the DSM — DSM-5 — was published in 2013 by the American Psychiatric Association. It is flawed, to say the least, because it takes time — certainly more than one year — for us humans to acknowledge and come to terms with particular challenges that we face.
Subjectively, notions such as these — that oversimplify human behaviours — irk me, because they too, enforce the “toxic positivity mentality” we’re all dealing with today.
Are you feeling down? Something must be wrong if you’re not happy all the time or if you’re not pursuing it. When dealing with our pain, we might have caring people that say things that they assume will cheer us up. Most of the time, though, they don’t really help and actually make us feel worse. However, we can’t be too mad at these people as they — out of the goodness of their hearts — are just trying to make us feel better. They’re not experts, and even those that are the actual experts believe that one can deal with loss or other hefty circumstances and be over them within a quite short period.
Now, why am I mentioning this?
I believe that mourning a loved one, coping with illness or unemployment, coming out of a bad relationship, suffering the aftermath of a dysfunctional family, disturbed childhood or abuse in any way or form, are all valid reasons that can cause turmoil in our lives. I’m sure the way we initially felt when it happened won’t go away anytime soon. This is perfectly normal, and people should have the freedom to come to terms with whatever it is they’re dealing with at their own pace.
The connection we all share.
As a person that was depressed for over 20 years, aside from my own experiences, I have done some thorough reading on the subject.
Despite the growth in depression rates, my viewpoint remains that not everyone is depressed. However, it doesn’t mean that life is significantly better for those that aren’t. The isolation and disconnection that comes from occurrences and hardships we face are what connects all of us in general.
The said shared connection lies in what’s holding us back. At this point, it is safe to say that this is Resistance. The same one I’ve discussed in past articles. And pretty much the same one most of us would rather keep putting up with, instead of taking responsibility for things we can control within our own lives.
As mentioned in a piece of writing I wrote titled On quitting; why it is and will be okay.;
"I like to see Resistance as the Universe’s way of testing us; it’s that thing that prevents us from doing what we have to. It’s mostly internal, but can be external as well. Regardless, it’s very potent and can manifest into procrastination, addiction, conflict, illnesses and other circumstances that level up the more we progress."It’d be quite hypocritical of me to downplay someone’s experiences, especially after criticising the DSM. But realising that we’re connected in this way, means that at least we know what we’re dealing with and that together we can start taking steps in the right direction.
The first and foremost step is that of Acceptance. It’s the only step that allows us to move forward, make progress and grow. The things we lament and struggle with really would’ve gone otherwise if we had the means, power and control to do them differently. But as this is Fate, we do not have much of a choice. We either accept it to the point that we fall in love with it — the ancient Stoics called this Amor Fati — or we proceed to live the rest of our lives hurt, angry, bitter and unfulfilled all the while tediously trying to control what we simply cannot.
The other step is the Realisation that our life and time here on Earth is finite. Despite us desperately believing otherwise, we’re not immortal. Sometimes we’re naïve to think that we deserve a break because we’re tired of being kicked from every angle. So because we’re overwhelmed, we take some time off. Over time we lose focus and our ego kicks in. Taking care of ourselves becomes self-preservation as we sink deeper into the abyss.
Weirdly this isn’t something new that just our current society deals with. The early Stoics being aware of the different temptations Resistance could bring, prevented the above by keeping the ego at bay by remembering that they too would have to die one day (Memento Mori). This thought didn’t only make them haul ass, but also kept them humble.
These two steps are fundamental, especially if we want to continue on with our lives and eventually contribute to something larger than ourselves.
It’s worth noting that I’m not claiming that depression or mental disorders can be tackled this easily with just two steps. I am, however, merely proposing that as humans, we stop looking at adversity the same way we’re accustomed to. Reprogramming our thoughts and behaviours is not an easy task. But it is possible to train ourselves to expose the truth in the thought patterns that accompany our challenges. In doing so, we start noticing them for what they indeed are, and move forward quicker.
Just how important is this goal to you anyway?
Steve Maraboli once wrote the following;
“Cemeteries are full of unfulfilled dreams… countless echoes of ‘could have’ and ‘should have’… countless books unwritten… countless songs unsung… I want to live my life in such a way that when my body is laid to rest, it will be a well needed rest from a life well lived, a song well sung, a book well written, opportunities well explored, and a love well expressed.”
I heard this quote many times, and something about it empowers, yet frightens me at the same time.
See, there’s no way to know for sure that any of us will accomplish significant goals such as these even if we abide by Amor Fati and Memento Mori every single day. And then we’re stuck thinking “what’s the point anyway?”.
Going back to Steve’s quote, aside from its purpose of empowering and frightening, I believe that he wanted to create a sense of urgency in those who read it. An urgent call for us to be more aware and consciously make the decision to lead a life of purpose and meaning rather than being whirled around by society.
He’s daring us to make priorities despite all the Resistance we deal with, and to also determine which activities matter the most.
I happen to have written a bit about these topics. Feel free to read some of my other ramblings. But the point I wanted to reach is that which I arrived at in one of my other articles — here’s a summary;
When you’re meant to do something, when you feel this deep urge to do something, there are a few ways things can play out; you either pursue it, or you resist it.
Most of us choose the latter, though, such a feeling — as it is our purpose — is not easy to get rid of, so it persists at the back of our minds until one day it, sadly, becomes a regret if not acted upon.I don’t know whether this is ultimately driven by fear or not in your case, it’s up to you to know or figure this out. What I’m sure about is that instead of dealing with just Resistance, you’re also resisting yourself. Impeding, as a result, the connection between who you currently are and who you aspire to be. To that, I keep saying “resist your intrinsic resistance itself because this is what convinces you not to do the things you want”.
Nevertheless, your thoughts, emotions and feelings — no matter how shitty — still reveal something beautiful about you as a person. Be it a commitment to someone or something, you’re capable of empathy — a trait that not everyone has the privilege to say they have.
You might think you’re not capable, but it’s precisely because you have these thoughts that you’re more than capable of achieving them and making a difference.
You are here, you’ve made it this far in spite of circumstances you have difficulty looking past. And you know what? That’s a good thing because it’s the exact point you have to be at, at this point in time.
I mentioned this in my previous article, and I think it’s fitting to end this one on the same note;
“Accept and be at peace with your decisions and sacrifices you make for what IS, even if undesired.”
I invite you to check out these three articles next as I believe that they take the thought further.
In life, we often face life-changing circumstances. These can try their hardest at breaking us, at distracting us from our goals, but know that like time, they too will pass. Nothing, nor good, nor bad is here to stay. In fact, our time is finite, meaning that we’re not here to stay either. We’re not entitled to solely good things, no matter who we think we are.
There is no magic button to take away our predicaments, and even if there were, facts and Fate would remain unchanged.
Instead of fighting it, we should stop and invest our energy elsewhere.
My love for my grandmother, coping with all of the circumstances I was exposed to as a child, almost caused me to not be here, to not write this article. But my purpose, as mentioned in an earlier piece, is and remains “to bring value to others by writing and creating things that are worthwhile”, and this alone is important enough to keep me here just a bit longer.
Are you going to let Resistance beat you once again today, or are you going to get up and show up for something greater than yourself despite all the odds? And if so, what are you waiting for? The time is ticking.
Thanks for reading, have a nice day! 🖖
