I am Stronger than My Anxiety
Have you ever known the feeling of sinking into a black hole?
where time stops running,
and the force of gravity so intense that,
it pulls you and wears you down and out.
Have you ever known the feeling of fading into oblivion?
where the world around you crumbles,
and there is no one to talk to,
to shares your concerns with,
where nobody cares about you.
And you see no light, but only darkness.
Darkness everywhere,
and I’d been there.
Feelings of relentless sorrow and fear
washed over me like a wave crashing on a shore.
Painful nostalgia for younger days,
and panic for the ones to come, for sure.
Nights seemed long and scared and uncertain.
Thinking of so many thoughts that made my head turn.
I don’t know how to describe it to you
what I was going through at that moment.
I didn’t want to face my mornings,
and I didn’t want my nights to end.
I was in such a slump, and I hated myself for it.
I rarely got excited about anything.
I felt vulnerable, uncertain, and burned out.
My interest in things was fading.
The very things that I used to love and care about before.
I know, I know these fears were irrational,
But I can’t make them stop.
I just wish that they’d leave, leave me
so that my heart rate would drop.
I know you think I was overreacting about the silliest little things,
but to me, those silly little things seemed like the doom the world could bring.
I know it might be hard to understand my anxiety,
but I hope today I have given you some clarity.
So, the next time someone is scared and feels like they can’t breathe,
shaking and crying, unable to see,
don’t tell them they’re overreacting; don’t call them crazy.
Help them realize there is more to life than this misery,
and no matter the doubt inside, they will be who they are meant to be.
Because I know I am more than just my anxiety,
and one day, I hope to be free of it entirely.
But until then, I will keep telling myself, quietly,
I am stronger than this. I am stronger than my anxiety.
Author’s Note: The second lockdown in India had a massive impact on my mental health. Due to COVID restrictions, I couldn’t travel to my hometown. Moreover, my father and my sister contacted the virus during the same time, which meant that I was not allowed to come home. So, I was literally stuck in my hostel room at the Institute, where I was studying for the entirety of that time. And all I saw or read was about death. I was feeling so lonely. I was lacking motivation and was struggling so hard to do everyday activities. I remember there were days I didn’t bother either to get off my bed or even shower. I was lazy as fuck. I also remember the countless sleepless nights I had. Slowly, things started to get monotonous. And I guess that triggered my anxiety.
But I am okay now. Talking to my family and friends, exercising daily, and most importantly, writing and reading articles on Medium played a massive part in my recovery process. Lastly, I am stronger than my anxiety.
This poem is inspired by Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她) poetry prompt. If you want take a shot at this, you can find the prompt below.
