25 New Rules For The New You: 2017 Edition

or: I Don’t Know Shit

“Brain” by Sue Clark
There be no rules here.
I don’t know shit and it’s time I start conceding that much to myself.

If you’re thinking this was written for you, you’re mistaken. There’s too much to figure out in my life before we can get to you.

Tough noogies.

2017 has only just come and yet I’m still no closer to figuring out what I’m doing or where I’m going, much less understanding anything that 2016 threw my way.

I literally just got done telling my friend and colleague, John, I’d be done writing this Medium piece in a couple hours when I have no intention of completing this even by the end of tomorrow. If you’re reading this then it was by some sad stroke of vigor I had surely not planned nor could foresee when the sun rose today.

I am a bad planner.

I haven’t always been a bad planner, but I am now and it’s disconcerting as fuck.

So how do we resolve this?

And yes, I’m saying we because I can’t do this shit alone.

We start by understanding my issue.

In order to fix me we need to sift through and empty out all the bullshit reasons I give myself to not be productive.

  • “I’m just depressed, probably”
  • “The world will find a way to set me right.”
I am not depressed, not even slightly!

Everyday, I get to be with the most amazing person I’ve met in my life, and not only that, I’m going to be making her my wife this year.

That is big.

It’s bigger than big.


— deep breath —

That’s life-changing.

So where do I get off trying to convince myself I’m depressed?
Shame on me!
  • “The world will find a way to set me right?”


The world does not give a hoot. Yeah, so what if it did me wrong for a few years and brought some terrible people into my life who deserve to be engulfed in hellfire — get over it!

If 2017 has done anything right so far, it’s reminded me of how fortunate I am to still have my parents, my siblings, my family, healthy and present in my life.

Goals are integral to me being a productive member of society, but I’m often flustered by the very notion of composing a to-do list.

So what’s the solution here?

A bit of an aside: I’m a lover of fiction, especially films. Film was, in a sense, an education for me growing up. Things I was too shy to ask about in the real world from real people, I understood through films. Films provided a structure to the events of someone’s life.

And that’s what I need — structure.

We achieve this in one of two ways.

First, I can treat my life as a film, write myself a narrative each week full of obstacles, accomplishments and villainous figures, but if Last Action Hero and Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory taught us anything it’s that retreating into a fantasy world requires a golden ticket and I’m not that lucky.

Second option: wake the hell up! Life’s not a fucking movie, Nizar! There are things I need to get done every week, every day, every hour and the best way to execute these things is to not dilly-dally or wait for someone else to verbally electrojuice me into springing up off my ass.

I didn’t quite think this through and, no, there aren’t 25 New Rules to whip me into shape. There’s really just one and it was said best by a great mind and philosopher of our time:

Just Do It!
Written by Nizar of Comatose.

Comatose is a weekly series of amusing anecdotes, insightful commentary, and pithy stories. Every week three contributors are featured in short segments. The segments, though often unrelated, are tied together using music and narration to set the scene. Relax and enjoy the ride while listening to topics as varied as love, birthdays, and reciprocity.

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