9 Reasons Why I’m the Fucking Worst
1. I can’t stay awake during movies anymore. I always laughed at people who said they had this problem. At 25, now I’m wondering how the hell I’m ever going to sit through an entire film when I start it after 9pm.
2. I’m bad with names. Absolutely awful. Great with faces, though. It’s funny because I know the names of a lot of actors and musicians, but when confronted with a person I just met five minutes ago, I draw a blank.
3. I get more excited when plans fall through than when they actually pan out. I love going out, but sometimes sweatpants and a row of Oreos is a more attractive combination to me than overpriced drinks and yelling over music to speak to my friends.
4. I’m one of those people who’s all like, “Oh no, I have to hit the gym because I’m getting fat,” but I know for a fact I haven’t put on any weight whatsoever.
5. I’m a creature of habit. I hesitate to do anything that disrupts my routine. I do leave my comfort zone, but never without a fight.
6. I taught myself how to play guitar nine years ago and haven’t gotten better at it since then. (Okay, that’s probably not true. But I’m really not that good.)
7. I look for a way out of things before they even begin. I try to think of ways to save face before face needs any saving. I hesitate to commit to anything, always with one foot out the door.
8. I like to sneak the fact that I play guitar into posts and conversations because I think it makes me sound cool. I mean, it is pretty cool and I did work hard to teach myself. But that doesn’t make me any less of a douche.
9. I turn my phone off when I go to bed. I’ve been criticized about this before: You’re a grown ass man, you’ve got people relying on you for things. I know, I know. But nobody is as important as my beauty sleep. Whatever it is, it can wait until morning. And if it can’t, clearly you don’t know me, dude.
Okay, I’m really not that bad. And you’ve only heard one side of it, so check out more of my stuff and decide for yourself: Human Parts, The Coffeelicious, Absurdist, Life Tips, Slackjaw, The Bigger Picture.
