I got my decades mixed up: 20s and 30s
Since high school, I have had fairly traditional life goals — go to college, build a satisfying career, find my life partner, and have children with him. I’ve been pretty deliberate about attaining these goals. But because of this overly intentional strategy, I sometimes wonder if I went through life a bit out of order. Instead of finding myself and trying lots of new things in my 20s, I was studying non-stop in graduate school, then incredibly focused on my career, and all the while in a serious relationship that lasted 5.5 years. This was for the sake of these ultimate life goals. My friends were partying, meeting new people, making lots of crazy memories, and finding new experiences. I had a one track mind, overly goal oriented and hopeful that hard work toward these goals would result in the much desired career, life partner, and family.
But that didn’t happen. First Love didn’t work out at the early age of 24 (overview on my serial monogamy here). But, I didn’t pause very long, 9 months later I was with X. That lasted another 4 years. And most of my 20s, although spent having fun with friends, partying, taking trips, and still doing lots of things 20-somethings do; I know I still missed out on large chunks of figuring out who I am and what I really want out of life.
I did life a bit out of order. I got my decades mixed up.
I’ve been coming across lots of articles online about the difference between 20s and 30s — none of which really resonate with me. Now that I’m in my early 30s, and single for the past 20 months, I’ve finally been able to do what people usually do in that decade (the 20s, per the articles and observing my friends). I’ve been exploring who I am instead of continuing this narrow pathway to these ultimate life goals I had set for myself. I’ve continued to work on my side business, found love in climbing & artisanal ice cream, re-found true love in God, dated lots of different personalities, and re-confirmed my passion for my career.
To truly appreciate my future partner (assuming I get one of those), I think I need to go through all of this. But, at the same time, I feel like life’s unfair as I come up against a very real time line on when it’s healthiest for women to have babies. Yes, I could adopt. Sure, women have children into their early 40s. And of course, nothing wrong with having a kid single (not likely for me, they’re hard work!). But, none of that is ideal nor is it what I want for myself. It’s hard to see friends coupling up, having children (and although incredibly happy for them), I still feel left behind, wondering, why do they get to have that life, but I don’t? Haven’t I worked just as hard for the same desires only to not achieve?
I understand that life is just unfair…a lot of the time. That this aching feeling of (semi-)injustice is something a lot of people in other, harder circumstances go through. I’m in nonprofit management; I’ve seen families trying to make ends meet, hoping for financial circumstances to feel whole again, but for the world to constantly be working against them. They have no real control over the circumstances — both their history and what the world is providing for them in the present.
Ok — so I know I’m blessed. It’s not about money, food, or safety. But, the sentiments are similar, where I have no real control over the situation…it’s just that life comes with its blessings…and its challenges. I come to my present self as someone that had to silently battle trauma as a child leading to PTSD, but at the same time had a rich childhood that included music, gymnastics, and cousins. I take all of that history to my present moments with wonderful friends, a handful of close family members to lean on, but a string of heart breaks.
And as I’m nearing my next birth-month, I am coming head on with the reality that I may not achieve all of the “ultimate life goals” I set for myself back in high school. And it’s hard. I’ve been pretty good about being flexible within this greater plan — shifting time lines and going after different career opportunities. Luckily, I’ve learned from the smaller challenges that sometimes Plan B can be even better than Plan A. I haven’t yet strayed from these ultimate life goals — staying optimistic and reworking the details toward what I want to get out of life. Now, I’m struggling with how to revise the bigger plan. This is a big deal — revising one of my ultimate life goals. I am struggling with what Plan B will look like and how to be okay with this possible new reality.
I’m trying hard to cherish this single life that doesn’t come with the additional responsibilities of future in-laws or taking care of another, tiny life. But at the same time, I know that this internal struggle will carry on through my early 30s as I balance two things: 1) figuring out how to continue to reach for what I really want, all ultimate life goals satisfied, while 2) preparing myself to be okay with, and perhaps eventually excited about, whatever ends up being Plan B.
~~~~~~~
originally written on 7/20/2015
