Palate Cleanser (for dating)
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Via wikipedia.com: A palate cleanser is generally a neutral flavored element in food that enables to clear the palate from one flavor to another. Some widely used palate cleansers are sorbet, bread, apple slices, and pickles.
When applying this concept to dating — I think the term used is: rebound.
I’m a serial monogamist. But, I have clearly played with the concept of a dating palate cleanser. So, the Felicia Tasting Menu looks like this thus far:
COURSE 1 — Puppy Love: 3.5 years of high school
Palate Cleansers (not Toothbrush)
COURSE 2 — College BF: 1 year of college
COURSE 3 — First Love: 5.5 years of college, grad school, a bit beyond
Palate Cleanser (Toothbrush)
COURSE 4 — X: 4 years in the mid to late 20s
Palate Cleanser (Toothbrush)
COURSE 5 — Craziness of 2014
Palate Cleanser (Toothbrush)
I’d say there have been 5 major courses, looking back.
Palate Cleanser — 2007
I met Toothbrush back in 2007 — during a rough patch with my college ex-boyfriend, let’s call him First Love (see above for where he is in the time line). I tend to be very loyal, sometimes to a fault, committing to someone in my mind for life, when that’s not necessarily what dating is about. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t act a whole bunch of stupid, especially back in my early 20s. I had a few really close girlfriends back then, everyone else was single and I seemed to always be stuck in a long term relationship. The girls wanted to go to a speed dating event and of course, I didn’t want to be left out. So I told — yes, told First Love— that I was going to go. In speed dating, it’s a bit like some online dating apps now, where both parties must choose one another in order to receive each other’s contact info. I told First Love that I just won’t choose anyone so no one would match with me. Clearly, I had it all figured out.
And right before the event, First Love’s yelling at me over the phone, upset that I was at a speed dating event (rightfully so), making me cry on the street just outside the entryway.
I didn’t have it figured out, per usual.
I gathered myself and got inside, ready for my 25 or so, 5 minute dates. I was more there to amuse myself with the horrible dates my friends were going through and their silly facial expressions while on them. So, most of the guys bored me. But, then Toothbrush was up and he immediately mentioned how he saw me crying outside. He caught my attention and he was tall, cute, and in good shape. He started talking; he was also warm, charismatic, and bold in conversation. So, I answered his direct question and confided in him about First Love and when it came time to choose people to match with — I only chose Toothbrush. It seemed okay to do since he knew I had a boyfriend, even if it was falling apart. So we exchanged a few messages via facebook and eventually he dropped off my radar. He wasn’t important to me except in helping me realize there was more out there than just First Love.
Toothbrush cleansed my palate, wiped my mind-slate clean by being a salient event among fuzzy happenings in my early 20s — helping me to move past First Love.
Palate Cleanser — 2014
Then there was the period of time post X. I thought I’d marry X. But, clearly that didn’t happen. I was broken and wanting to push myself to move on — PS thought at the time that a rebound may be the right way to go, so I got on okcupid and went for it. It led to a few callous actions toward unsuspecting men on my part (that I regret), not being mature or self-aware enough to realize how unready I was to date. But…these misadventures eventually led me back to Toothbrush. He messaged me on the dating website.
So, we met up for bubble tea and ended up walking around town for hours. We talked about everything from work, his new ventures, family, friends, and traveling. It was exciting. Our first real date reinforced this illusion in my mind of what Toothbrush was: intriguing and a bit mysterious.
It was the palate cleanser I needed, yet again. I was able to get excited about something new. He was able to keep my attentions, even if only for a few months. He helped me transition from a super heavy main course to my next set of entrees.
Palate Cleanser — 2015
Toothbrush helped usher me from one era of my life to another — twice already. In 2007, he helped me get over First Love and that resulted in healing up some childhood trauma that was affecting my relationships. In early 2014, he transitioned me from one of the biggest loves of my life, X, to being able to get excited about meeting new people. That brings us back to a year and a half later, now in June 2015.
Several months ago, while still involved with The Poo, a work relevant question came up for Toothbrush. His green dot on gchat was lit next to his name, so I messaged him. We started talking, catching up. And every month or so, like with other old friends, we’d check in with one another.
Of course, when things got hard with guys this past year, I had yearnings to see what Toothbrush was up to. But, never ended up going through with meeting up with him again.
Until Luke.
Morning after my recent date with Toothbrush, I messaged my cousin to let her know that cuddling without attachment is good, but it isn’t super awesome like when you’re with someone in which there’s real potential. And…maybe he gained a tiny layer of fat so that his muscles were not quite as defined? At any rate, the mystery seemed to be gone. There wasn’t the usual excitement that comes when you’re falling for someone. The tingle on the skin and tickle in your heart. It’s exhilarating to touch someone you like — there’s that undeniable rush.
Bestie called me a cuddle junkie. He said I’m addicted and that I should just go through withdrawal and clean myself up. That this “backup” could form bad habits if within the confines of marriage. All valid points. I didn’t listen. I’m glad I didn’t, though. Because, there was a stark difference in how I felt between Luke and Toothbrush, within weeks of one another. I hoped to feel that warmth, while with someone that could not hurt me. But, I felt nothing real. It was so neutral feeling. Fun, like bowling or shopping at Pottery Barn. Maybe I needed to experience this to process whatever I’m going through with Luke or in my life in general. Who knows, but I don’t regret having seen Toothbrush.
It may be too early to see the benefits of this palate cleansing (if there are any, but I’m always open to new lessons in life). There have been no real similarities between each of my Toothbrush experiences other than him being available to me during these moments of massive confusion and frustration. So, I can’t really tell if there’s some grand realization I’m supposed to be able to make because I just haven’t gotten there yet.
But, I do know that palate cleansers can be yummy (especially the grapefruity sorbets), but they’re never the star of the meal. Toothbrush isn’t my star, but he’s certainly helped me out quite a bit throughout the years — like sorbet after a heavy entree in a chef’s tasting menu. Maybe I am on the cusp of transitioning into a new part of my life with some help from Toothbrush, my palate cleanser, and I just don’t know it yet. I don’t have the benefit of looking back on this one as I’m starting to write entries as they’re occurring in life. But, looking back on my palate cleansing experience with Toothbrush does make this place in life I’m in feel a bit more hopeful. Even so, I don’t want to get my hopes up; things are definitely more clear in retrospect.
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originally fingers to medium on 6/27/2015
