Twist the Knife
The thing about me that surprises most people is that I carry a Leatherman. It usually sits in the front pocket of my jeans, or my shoulder bag, which I refer to as my “Man Purse.”
Yeah I know, I just prefer to steer into the skid.
The reason people are shocked when I pull the Leatherman out of the man purse is because,
- It is aggressively large.
- The purse is festooned with all manor of Hillary Clinton flair.
Neither of these things seem to be legitimate reasons to be surprised to me, but they are. The reason the knife is so big is because I used to have a much smaller one, about half the size, but it was confiscated at a baseball game when I forgot it was in my pocket and wasn’t going to walk the 20 minutes back to my car to drop it off.
I was really upset that they took the knife, so inside the stadium I amazon primed myself a new one without checking closely to make sure it was the same model. When it arrived it turned out it was the size of a small planet.
But I really don’t know why a Hillary Clinton supporter can’t carry around a pocket knife, that never made sense to me.
I’ve carried a knife since I was a kid. I still have the cub scouts pocket knife I got when I was, well, in cub scouts. I must have been in first grade. It’s a little rusty, and still has the marks on it from where my late grandfather sharpened it with a bench grinder.
My issue with the assumption that a democrat can’t have a pocket knife is twofold.
First, it assumes that any liberal would put logic behind ideology, which sounds like the kind of criticism that both sides of the isle sling wildly at the other without much in the way of supporting claims.
The second issue is that it assumes the knife is a weapon, and not a tool, and that is, as my hero Joe Biden would say “hogwash.”
I don’t keep the knife around for stabbing dissidents, or to bring to gun fights to make a fool of myself.
I carry it because it’s got pliers and screwdrivers and a bottle opener on it. But even a close friend of mine who works in internet ad sales assures me that just by purchasing a utility knife, I’ll now see targeted ads for guns and crossbows and camo pants and MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN ball caps. At least, if her algorithm is working correctly.
But having the knife in my mobile liberal billboard isn’t the first time that it’s been a tool for misinterpreting my intentions.
As a 13 year old, I had WalMart security called on me because I tried to buy a pocket knife under the age of 18. Now that’s a pretty isolated and minor incident in the grand scheme of things.
In an attempt to curb gang-related stabbing in New York, there was a law on the books in that made it illegal to carry a switchblade. However, the term was so ill-defined in the law that about 6,000 people a year were arrested in New York City, and almost none of them actually had a switchblade, most had a utility knife or a pocket knife.
And in what I’m sure is only a coincidence, and not just one more example of institutionalized racial bias, over 80% of those charged with possession of such a blade were minorities.
</sarcasm>
Maybe if we stopped making assumptions about who was carrying knives, and why, it would be one step towards actual discourse about issues in this country. It also wouldn’t hurt to have another couple of thousand otherwise innocent people not incarcerated.
It’s time we cut through the bullshit.
If only we had something handy with which to do the cutting.
Listen to Episode 120 — Envelope, Driving, and Barbara Jordan:
Written by Louis Reich of Comatose.
Comatose is a weekly series of amusing anecdotes, insightful commentary, and pithy stories. Every week three contributors are featured in short segments. The segments, though often unrelated, are tied together using music and narration to set the scene. Relax and enjoy the ride while listening to topics as varied as love, birthdays, and reciprocity.
You can find Comatose on Facebook, Twitter, iTunes, and Stitcher.
If you enjoy our content, please think about supporting us on Patreon as well!
Learning Chinese in Beijing ← Previous — Next → Lovesick
