Medium Interviews Writers: Johnathan Foster
“Medium Interviews Writers” is part of an ongoing series where the staff of Medium.com invites critically acclaimed author and “Master of Horror” Stephen King to sit down for a one-on-one with some of the most unsuccessful writers on the internet today.
Today, Mr. King interviews a newer online writer, Johnathan Foster. We turn now to a transcript of an interview which took place at Stephen King’s mansion on October 23rd, 2017.
Stephen King: Welcome, Johnathan. It’s a honor to sit down with you today and discuss some of your most mediocre work.
Johnathan Foster: *pauses and squints eyes briefly* Why, uh, thank you, Stephen. It was nice of you to invite me to your mansion in the hills of…you know, where are we exactly? The driver of that limo put a blindfold over my eyes when he picked me up an —
Stephen King: Let’s get started. I’ve been pouring over the odd stories you’ve been posting on Medium and, frankly, I just don’t get it. What drives you to write such random things?
Johnathan Foster: Well, the funny thing is, I never intended to really share with the world what was going on in my he —
Stephen King: It’s a evil ghost, isn’t it?
Johnathan Foster: Uh…I’m sorry, a ghost?
Stephen King: There’s a ancient evil ghost that tells you what to write and you can’t break away from it’s eerie influence!
Johnathan Foster: Um, no, that’s not true at all. For one thing, I don’t believe in ghosts and try to write what I’m thi —
Stephen King: Then it’s a scary spider, right? I’m guessing a spider the size of a man whispers mad riddles and unknowable knowledge into your trembling ears.
Johnathan Foster: That’s, um, not at all. I just like to write weird things that come to me early in the morning. Ever since I was a kid I was writing short stories in the vein of Monty Python meets Mystery Science Theater 3000. I think those were some of my main influences when I was younger, along with my father’s odd sense of humor. He was always telling these insane stories, trying to fool people into believing he was serious. I still do that a lot today.
Stephen King: So, how does the spider convey his mysterious messages to you?
Johnathan Foster: Stephen, there is no spider. I have no clue wha —
Stephen King: Does this man-sized spider only appear to you in dreams, or does he emerge from a webbed cocoon to terrorize a small mid-western town during a full moon?
Johnathan Foster: Ok, what are you even talking about?
Stephen King: * winking at a non-existent camera* Let’s move on. So, you were born in 1982. What was that like?
Johnathan Foster: What was what like? My birth, or 1982? *chuckling*
Stephen King: Did you grow up inside of the man-sized spider, or did the spider pluck you from your mother’s womb and fill you with magical venom that prevents you from walking around in the sunlight?
Johnathan Foster: *audible sigh* Um, this interview is going nowhere. Can I just leave?
Stephen King: Let’s move on. You like to write a lot about Superheroes and Steely Dan? Why is that?
Johnathan Foster: *sitting back down* Ok, that’s better. Well, Batman is my favorite superhero. Sometimes, I like to take the whole concept of serious heroes and add a wacky element that makes me laugh. I don’t know if other people like it, but my main goal is to make myself laugh.
Stephen King: And the Steely Dan thing?
Johnathan Foster: I grew up listening to Steely Dan. I’m 35 years old and they are still my favorite band.
Stephen King: You mean you grew up listening to Steely Dan while inside or outside of the Spider Queen’s womb of chaos and destru —
Johnathan Foster: NO! Jeez, can we stop with this spider thing?!
Stephen King: Please continue.
Johnathan Foster: *audible sigh and throat clearing* Ok, so, um yeah, Steely Dan. I always imagined the two founding members as noir detectives or hip art critics in the 1950s or 1960s. I’m really not sure why. I decided to make up some crazy story where Donald Fagen and Walter Becker, the founding members of Steely Dan, used their ultra-cool linguistic skills and college-level knowledge to insult those they came into contact with while solving crimes.
Stephen King: And these stories have been well recieved?
Johnathan Foster: No. Not really. I don’t know, I like them and they make me laugh, so that’s good enough for me. I grew up in a very small town in Ohio where little was going on, so I’m used to people not giving me feedback on what I think or create. I’m just happy to put something down on a page and if people like it, that’s fine. If they don’t, that’s fine too.
Stephen King: I don’t like what you write.
Johnathan Foster: Oh, well, that’s ok. *nervously checking wristwatch* Not that I expect any type of genuine critique from you right now, but what don’t you like about my stories?
Stephen King: Not enough spiders.
Johnathan Foster: OK! I’m done here!
Stephen King: Thank you for taking the time to chat with us about your work and your harrowing journey to escape from the Spider Queen’s evil grip.
Johnathan Foster: *has left the room already*
Stephen King: Join us next week when we talk with a haunted tortoise who’s suspected of murdering an entire family by dragging them into a swamp that catches on fire or something.
