You Don’t Have To Be a Boy Scout To Be Prepared
Get ready, get set…
Before I start on the core concepts and techniques of assertiveness, I’d like to write about laying the groundwork. The ideas and processes of assertiveness are for everyone, but you need to be able to tailor them to yourself — to keep your authentic voice. You’ll get a lot more out of assertiveness if you know your heart’s desires and your trouble spots. These exercises will help you to determine exactly what it is you want assertiveness for and help you to start thinking in the right direction .
Make a list
First thing is always to make a list, have you noticed? Your list is going to be of strengths and weaknesses. Everybody has both when it comes to assertiveness. Your strengths are important because they are transferrable. As for your weaknesses, well, as Dirty Harry famously said, a man’s gotta know his limitations. And that goes for women too.
Begin to observe and ask questions. Try to do this without criticizing yourself. It’s easy to get mad at yourself for weaknesses, and sometimes that self-judgement can motivate you (to be more assertive!). But right now you’re gathering information, and judgement won’t help you.
- Who can you never say no to? (your mom, your kids, people who have less than you, car mechanics…)
- Who can you easily say no to? (your husband, Jehovah’s Witnesses, telephone salesmen…
- What do you find easy to ask for? (a raise, a discount, a better grade…)
- What are you ashamed or afraid to ask for? (a date, a job, time alone…)
- Where do you feel suppressed and inauthentic? (around the opposite sex, in front of crowds, with authority figures..)
- Where are you relaxed and authentic? (at church, around children, with family…)
- What can you say no to without guilt? (requests for loans, charitable volunteer activities, a date…)
- What makes you feel guilty to say no to? (beggars, friendship requests, party invitations…)
Some people will spend hours on the phone with a market researcher because they don’t want to be rude, and some will hang up without a word. Some people are tense around family and relaxed in front of a large audience. And vice versa.
You can undoubtedly relate to some of these and not to others. We’re all different and you’re allowed to have your own assertiveness skills and challenges. When you answer these questions, just try to be honest and thorough. And keep it to yourself.
Keep a copy because in a year you are going to be amazed by all the changes on it.
The miracle question
The miracle question asks you to imagine yourself having already achieved your goal. A miracle happened in the middle of the night, and in the morning when you wake up, you’ve got whatever it was you wanted. What do you do first? How do you feel? How is your life different? Try to tell your story in the present tense, in the now.
This is not trivially easy, but I’ll give you an easy example. A miracle happened and you now have the perfect job. What is your first day like? You set the alarm, get up when it rings, make your bed (you know you should), eat something warm, drive to work, park, walk in the front door of the office building, and so on.
Other examples are harder, but the process is worth the effort even if you don’t get very far, and here’s why. Even though imagining success doesn’t guarantee success, it has some interesting effects nonetheless. (By success I mean, you have achieved the goal you set for yourself.)
One effect is to get you to imagine your success and feel it in your body. I read an interview with a New Zealand track medalist years ago, who said that she knew she could win if she could imagine herself winning. That’s why my example is so granular: the more detail you can imagine, the more your body will adjust to the new reality.
Another effect is more immediate and practical. For example, if the first thing you would do is call your mother, or buy a new dress, or make a special breakfast, well, make it real! The miracle question can help you start moving into the life you want to live even before you have every single thing in place.
Yet another effect of the miracle question is that it can help you to clarify your goals. For example, say you want to be rich rich rich! And when you ask the miracle question, the answer is, first thing I’m doing is calling the car dealership to put in my order for a Tesla truck (sorry, that’s not product placement, I’m just fascinated by the Tesla truck). Or, I’m calling my mom to tell her she doesn’t have to make any more house payments. Or I’m making a big bank transfer to my favorite charity. The more concrete it is, the more motivating it is. And perhaps there is something in there you can do even without being fabulously wealthy.
Make another list
What are all the things you’d like to do if only you were assertive enough? Or what are all the things you are afraid to do? These examples are all from real life:
- Tell my boss I don’t want to work weekends
- Ask for a better evaluation
- Ask for a loan to be repaid
- Tell my roommate it’s his turn to clean the bathroom
- Join a networking group
- Stop going to birthday parties
- Tell a friend I don’t like gossip
- Ask for a letter of recommendation
- Tell my boyfriend to put a ring on it
- Tell a colleague to stop touching my arm when he/she talks to me
- Ask for credit for a project I put a lot of work into
- Speak up in meetings
- End a friendship that has lost its joy
- Speak before an audience
- Tell my roommate to stop eating my food
- Ask to be transferred to a different department
- Tell the workman he has to keep working till the job is done
- Tell a subordinate that you find their behavior disrespectful
Your own particular list can be long or short. But if it just has one big item on it — like, get a new job — it can be helpful to break that down into smaller items. It may be that your weak point is calling secretaries to ask for appointments, but you’re great at networking. Maybe you can transform your networking skills into cold-calling skills. Or your resume may look really thin but you are fantastic at interviews. So you have to tart up your cv — that’s not so intimidating, or if it is, you can get help. Breaking big goals into smaller steps is always a useful technique for making things more manageable.
Now rank your goals in order of difficulty on a scale of 1–10. As soon as you start, you’ll be considering which things you could maybe, possibly, do now. Try to resist. It’s much too early to do anything on your list.
Do one thing different
Years ago I read a book with this title and it was really fun. Having read hundreds and hundreds of self-help books over the decades, I consider myself a connoisseur. This one is in my top ten. It’s full of examples that really bring home the point.
However, if you don’t read self-help books, or you don’t want to read this one, that’s okay, because it’s all there in the title. This is preparation for something else that assertiveness always does require in the end: stepping outside your comfort zone.
It’s such an easy way to expand your world and increase your confidence that it almost feels like cheating. Here are some examples from real life:
- Get up 15 minutes earlier or later every day.
- Try a new food
- Wear a hat
- Smile if you never do
- Stop smiling if you always do
- Listen to a different kind of music for 5 minutes
- Go to a guitar store and try out an electric guitar
- Change your side of the bed
- Part your hair on the other side
- Wear high heels to fetch the mail
You get the drift. What you are looking for are such small changes that they pose no threat. These kinds of tiny variations are like stones thrown into a pond: tiny little pebbles, great big ripples.
One time I was so stuck in a mental rut that I just couldn’t bear it anymore and I tried sleeping with my head at the foot of the bed, just to get a different angle on things. It was surprisingly unpleasant, and I couldn’t last an hour. But it did get me out of my rut.
Choose good role models
Not just any old role models. Pick your role models specifically for their assertiveness content and style. Fictional characters are fine. Historical characters are fine. Family members are fine. They don’t have to be superheroes, and you don’t have to agree with them on everything. They just need to be figures that stand up for themselves and strive towards their goals in ways you can learn from.
I like Elizabeth Bennett (Pride and Prejudice) as a role model because her assertiveness is delicate, yet surgical. Near the end of the novel, when things are starting to wind up to their conclusion, she is visited by an arrogant, rude aristocrat who tries to bully her. But Lizzy holds her own with grace and dignity while remaining polite.
“I am . . . resolved,” she says, “to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.”
Pretty assertive for a gentle maiden who is supposed to defer to all above her in the class hierarchy, don’t you agree?
Look at your list of things you’d like to do if you were more assertive, and then look around for people who can teach you something compatible. Your father who would give a beggar the coat off his back may be a better role model for you in your current situation than Elon Musk, and a political figure who’s not afraid of being disliked may be a better role model for you at this moment than a fabulously wealthy and beloved philanthropist.
In other words make sure your role models are good and healthy for the needs of your authentic, growing self right now. You don’t have to tell anybody about them, so pick whomever you want. As the German song says, Gedanken sind frei!
My next articles will focus on your assertiveness bill of rights, so…be prepared!
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