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Russia Banned From Participating In 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections

Russia Banned From Participating In 2018 U.S. Midterm Elections

MOSCOW—Citing the need to preserve the integrity of political cybercrime, the worldwide hacking community has officially banned Russia from…
Go to the profile of Gus Tate
Gus Tate
Durham Bird Population Mourns Loss of Historic Place to Shit

Durham Bird Population Mourns Loss of Historic Place to Shit

DURHAM, NC—In what has been called a “cultural tragedy” by members of the avian community, a Confederate statue in North Carolina was…
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Gus Tate
Brain Surgeons Face Lawsuit After Accidentally Leaving Conscience Inside John McCain

Brain Surgeons Face Lawsuit After Accidentally Leaving Conscience I...

PHOENIX, AZ — Doctors at the Mayo Clinic Hospital are being sued for malpractice after it was discovered that a conscience had been…
Go to the profile of Joe Schaefer
Joe Schaefer
Trump Urges America to Give Russia a 73rd Chance

Trump Urges America to Give Russia a 73rd Chance

WASHINGTON, DC — Standing in the White House kitchen this morning, President Trump made an impassioned plea for America to look beyond the…
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Joe Schaefer
Jared Kushner Takes Don Jr to Quiet Glade, Tells Him ‘Look Across the River and Think About the…

Jared Kushner Takes Don Jr to Quiet Glade, Tells Him ‘Look Across t...

BEDMINSTER, NJ— A hush fell over the wooded area behind Trump National Golf Club as Jared Kushner lowered himself next to Don Jr., who sat…
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Joe Schaefer
Citipoop Service Opens in Manhattan

Citipoop Service Opens in Manhattan

NEW YORK, NY—Responding to a severe lack of public restrooms in the New York metropolitan area, city officials today unveiled a new…
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Gus Tate
Massive Doping Program Uncovered in Russian Philharmonic Orchestra

Massive Doping Program Uncovered in Russian Philharmonic Orchestra

MOSCOW — Russia once again found itself the subject of controversy today after an international antidoping watchdog released evidence of a…
Go to the profile of Joe Schaefer
Joe Schaefer
Cosby Vows to Find Real Rapist

Cosby Vows to Find Real Rapist

NORRISTOWN, PA—Following the Montgomery County court’s failure to convict him of sexual assault last month, Bill Cosby today told reporters…
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Gus Tate
America to Spend Birthday Alone in Room Sorting Some Shit Out

America to Spend Birthday Alone in Room Sorting Some Shit Out

Citing a desire for some alone time, the United States of America has announced it will spend a quiet 4th of July away from all the noise…
Go to the profile of Joe Schaefer
Joe Schaefer
New Fitbit for Addicts Tracks Number of Steps in Recovery Program

New Fitbit for Addicts Tracks Number of Steps in Recovery Program

SAN FRANCISCO — Looking to capture an untapped demographic in the highly competitive wearable tech market, Fitbit today unveiled a new line…
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Joe Schaefer
Trump Explains Mar-a-Lago Visits: “It’s The Only Place I Can Poop”

Trump Explains Mar-a-Lago Visits: “It’s The Only Place I Can Poop”

WASHINGTON, DC—Defending allegations that his frequent trips to Mar-a-Lago put an extravagant burden on taxpayers, President Trump finally…
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Gus Tate
Dog Show Reporter Fired After Breedist Tweet

Dog Show Reporter Fired After Breedist Tweet

NEW YORK, NY—Responding to overwhelming outrage in the Twitter community yesterday, Animal Planet officially terminated their relationship…
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Gus Tate
Climate Scientists Looking For New Scam After USA Gets Wise to Paris Accord Con Job

Climate Scientists Looking For New Scam After USA Gets Wise to Pari...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s announcement on Thursday that the United States would officially withdraw from the Paris climate…
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Joe Schaefer
Scientists Warn Trump’s Border Wall May Create Wall-Resistant Super-Mexicans

Scientists Warn Trump’s Border Wall May Create Wall-Resistant Super...

EL PASO, TX—Researchers at the Center for Infectious Immigration Control (CIIC) released a petition to President Trump today warning that…
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Gus Tate
Nicknameless Freshman Excited to Find Out Which Embarrassing Accident Will Define Him

Nicknameless Freshman Excited to Find Out Which Embarrassing Accide...

HAMPDEN, ME — Grandview High School student Ralph Jones says he is eagerly awaiting the humiliating incident or public fuck-up that will…
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Joe Schaefer
Following Ancestry Test, Neo-Nazi’s Hatred Becomes More Nuanced

Following Ancestry Test, Neo-Nazi’s Hatred Becomes More Nuanced

Arlington, VA —After sending in his DNA to be tested by popular genetics company 23andMe, local neo-Nazi Chad Vogal says he’s become…
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Joe Schaefer
‘I Really Got My Ass Whooped Out There,’ Gloats Kentucky Derby Winner

‘I Really Got My Ass Whooped Out There,’ Gloats Kentucky Derby Winner

LOUISVILLE, KY—Trotting confidently into the Winner’s Circle wearing the traditional garland of roses, Kentucky Derby winner Always…
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Gus Tate
Scarlett Johansson Poster Undergoes Gender Reassignment Graffiti

Scarlett Johansson Poster Undergoes Gender Reassignment Graffiti

NEW YORK, NY — Commuters were stunned today when it was revealed that Hollywood megastar Scarlett Johansson had transitioned from…
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Joe Schaefer
Evidence of Racial Bias Found in Afterlife: Hell Disproportionately White

Evidence of Racial Bias Found in Afterlife: Hell Disproportionately...

CIRCLE 9, HELL—A report released yesterday by the ACLU found an overwhelmingly disproportionate number of Hell’s permanent inmates are…
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Gus Tate
The Illuminati Unveils Fun New Logo As Part of Brand Refresh

The Illuminati Unveils Fun New Logo As Part of Brand Refresh

ATLANTIS, AO — Looking to rejuvenate its image for a modern generation, the Illuminati announced this week it will be launching a brand…
Go to the profile of Joe Schaefer
Joe Schaefer
Swedish Fish Found Tainted With Dolphin Meat

Swedish Fish Found Tainted With Dolphin Meat

WARWICK, RI — Marine wildlife authorities have launched a full-scale investigation into Swedish Fishing practices after a consumer…
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Gus Tate
Today’s College Prep Courses Give Students Hands-on Experience With Crushing Debt

Today’s College Prep Courses Give Students Hands-on Experience With...

BOSTON, MA — Citing a need to better prepare students for the challenges of a modern era, education experts unveiled a new program this…
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Joe Schaefer
Uber CEO Reassures Stakeholders That Company’s Demise Will Probably Inspire Oscar-Winning Film

Uber CEO Reassures Stakeholders That Company’s Demise Will Probably...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In an effort to boost morale after an embarrassing series of scandals this year, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick held a press…
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Gus Tate
Trump Falls Through Skylight, Discovers Presidency is Elaborate Hoax Planned by Warren Buffett

Trump Falls Through Skylight, Discovers Presidency is Elaborate Hoa...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Moments after falling 100 feet through a glass ceiling and landing in a black inflatable safety cushion carefully…
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Gus Tate
Police Confirm “You Have to Go” to Great Little Bistro Recommended by Your Friend

Police Confirm “You Have to Go” to Great Little Bistro Recommended ...

LOS ANGELES, CA — Responding your friend’s insistence that “you have to go” to her favorite restaurant while you’re in Los Angeles this…
Go to the profile of Gus Tate
Gus Tate
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