The Goldenest House

Have a Nice Poop

8 a.m. Woke up to the following text message sent to a group thread that my high school chums and I have

2–2–2–2: Toast Christ

The bulk of the drive from my hometown in Ohio and my new home in Chicago is split between two radio stations: a…

Vegetarian Omelette

It’s powdered sugar weather and I lost my scarf at the Milwaukee Village Discount Outlet, where they are having a Super Bowl sale for Super Bowl Sunday but the sale started yesterday. Yesterday was Saturday. I was there on a Friday. On Friday, I got two black boots with gold heels and it took…

Buckwheat Pancakes: Let’s Get Healthy!

Boundaries! Delicious Carbs! Being selfish! Ignoring notifications!

Coffee, Constipation, and Compulsion

TW: eating disorder

Hungry for a Typo: mushrooms, sauce, and spelling errors.

Silver and Gold(en): Let’s talk personal finance over petite flapjacks.

ITALICS FOR BREAKFAST

Stretched across the bottom of the menu in sprawling italicized font, virtually imperceptible to the untrained eye it says: Oatmeal, served until 11 am. What kind of self-loathing Californian hippie health trend need to poop biddy goes to a greasy spoon pancake house and orders mother fucking OATMEAL…

Piggies in Blankies: You remind me of me, that’s not a compliment