Bogan Bible — Matthew 4:18–22

The Book of Matthew (Q)

Jesus Calls His First Disciples

18 As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee with a case of beer on his shoulder at sunset, for he liked walks on the beach with beer at sunset, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter, who actually preferred Russell Coight and his brother Irwin Steve, named in memory of the late Steve Irwin. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were trying to catch “the bastard mantaray” that got Steve Irwin in the first place.

19 “How the bloody hell are you going to find that mantaray in a lake?” Jesus said, “Come with me and we’ll have a cracker time on the piss, and get people to be good blokes and sheilas.”

20 Irwin looked at Russell and said, “Yeah, bugger it. I could use a drink or a thousand.” At once they left their nets, shoved on their pluggers and followed him.

21 Throwing them a tin each, and going on from there, he saw two other brothers, Whisper, son of Stinge (for their habit to not shout beers at the pub, being the cheap bastards they were) and his brother John, who was known as Mug (literally because he had an ugly mug, and was therefore an ugly bastard). They were in a boat with their father Stinge, wakeboarding. Jesus called them on their phones, because they were pretty far away. “Hey lads, how would you like to talk shit, take drugs, and eventually ascend to the Kingdom of the Cool Place?”

22 and immediately they left the boat and their father, jumping into the water and swimming to shore. When they arrived, they said “G’day legends,” were thrown a tin, and proceeded to followed Jesus.

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