Dear Q, What Music Should I Refrain From Playing At Family Gatherings?
I have a family. Most people do, and they’re a mix of young and old. They’re coming over on Sunday for lunch, and I’m wondering what music I shouldn’t consider playing? I don’t want to offend any of my older relatives with some hardstyle or trap, neither do I want to scar my younger family members. Please help!
Regards,
Jack
Dear Jack,
I’m glad you asked.
Music, like people, can be quite troubling at times, and certain people should sometimes be avoided, especially around families. Do you remember when you took your first girlfriend to a family gathering, way back when, and she ended up having sex with your handsome single uncle in the upstairs bathroom? Or like Hitler when he…you know. Case in (sharp, painful) point.
Using this foundation then, we can assume that all black rap is out. Gone. Goodbye. Sure, it’s fun by yourself, and with like-minded friends, but there’s only so many times you can explain to your younger family members that they’re definitely saying ‘naggers’ in lieu of the other word.
Reggae is gone, too. It’s a scientifically proven fact that if you leave the reggae on for too long you end up cracking out the hash. Acceptable to your younger family members, but I’m not sure Grandma would approve. Well, maybe after a few tokes.
You can be assured that screamo and heavy metal isn’t acceptable, much like ballroom dancing. These two styles of music are like the hard left and the hard right of political affiliation (I’m not talking about rally driving turns). They’re so far gone in either direction that they’re basically the same thing. Cling to the middle.
Speaking of the middle, Jimmy Eat World is a good place to start. Or The Middle East. Not the area of blood-and-oil-soaked land between Africa and Eastern Europe, but the band. Play some pop, but not too much. You don’t want the teenager girls to get too excited — because next thing you know, they’re pregnant to some guy named Chad who is eight years their senior. Play some soft rock, but again, not too much. Everything in moderation. That’s a key factor of considering the music playlist for a family gathering. And, also, consumption of alcohol. Some Pink Floyd, Cold Chisel, Led Zeppelin, Jack Johnson, Dire Straits. Coldplay’s first album. As a rule, no Ariana Grande.
A final warning: don’t, under any circumstances, play King Missile’s male genital anthem, ‘Detachable Penis,’ no matter how funny you think it is.
Good luck Jacko,
Q
Matt Querzoli is Medium’s self-appointed Agony Uncle. Please be advised that if you do actually ask him a question it will be answered in a satirical way. This is the only area in which he is actually qualified. Follow his writing blog, his letters to strangers blog or his blog blog if you liked the post, or even the bloke himself if this tickled your proverbial pickle.
