I Know Why The Dog Is Blue
Many of the millions of new readers of this site may be confused about the drawing in our masthead. Why is there a drawing of a dog? Why is the dog blue? Why is said blue dog asleep, and dreaming of our stupid website?
We get these questions all the time. Indeed, even to many “employees” here, the Blue Dog remains something of a mystery, its true nature spoken of in hushed whispers by our founders (or encoded messages from our mysterious benefactor, Tommy Seabass). After months of being tormented by their secretive hints, cloaked in double-meanings and dense cryptographic riddles, I have finally discovered out the truth. Prepare, dear reader, for the piercing of the veil.
The dog’s blueness is both literal and metaphoric. The dog is blue because it is sad, like all of the idiots whose fevered scribblings haunt its cursive dreams. The dog is also blue because it ate the dark chocolate that Alex Siquig, one of the founders, left on his nightstand. Its cerulean hue stems from cyanosis due to a lack of oxygen in its blood. Yes — the Blue Dog is dead…and yet its soul lives on in its dreams, animated in eterne by our shitty articles about basketball, airplanes, garages and Papa John.
Join me now in blessing the Blue Dog, and its crayoned #1874F9 glow, with your clicks. It needs them. Also, the dog is not dead. It is just asleep. But in something more complex than a coma. Though I have found things out about the dog, the truth is that I walk away mostly with more questions. Though maybe one day I will be able to share with you the saga of the wicked Papa John and his various attempts to murder our holy hound.
Know that I suffered greatly to bring you this information. Even now as I hurry to publish this article to Medium, I hear the squeaking of Nike soles on the linoleum tiles outside my door. The founders are coming for me to silence these terrible truths—add Alex’s mistreatment of the dog to the many things the fuzz want him for—so that none may know the true reason why the Blue Dog is blue. I pray that you share this article with your friends, and this information does not die with me.