The Toad

Dean of Students Names Herself Student Council President

In a shocking election night result, Lauren Williams, dean of students, has elected herself student council President. Shane Cockman, the predicted winner of the race, in his concession speech admitted that the results “were most…

Student Council Releases Updated List of Acceptable Opinions

This past Monday, our Dear Leaders in student council released the updated list of opinions that are considered acceptable. We have compiled the list for you here:

• The word asian is offensive

Everything Wrong With The Administration

(PLEASE NOTE: THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN EDITED FOR CONTENT)

Student Unsure Whether or Not Socially Acceptable to Make Jokes About People Who Identify as Inanimate Objects

Overzealous Promposal Leaves 18 Dead, Trail of Destruction

Meeting Being Held In Room Off Atrium

We’re excited to report that during Wednesday’s lunch period, a club held a meeting in a room off the atrium. The meeting was attended by some members of the club. They discussed the club’s issues at hand, had a few hearty laughs, debated when to meet next, and decided they’d probably meet in a room off the atrium again.

Couple In Senior Lounge Really Pushing It This Time

During last Tuesday’s lunch period, a couple in the senior lounge were really pushing the limits with their public displays of affection. “It’s gross,” commented local senior Dan Hartman, an unfortunate onlooker of the couple’s disturbing…

Stupid Local Senior Told the Truth About How Long it Takes Him to Get to School.

School Board Adds “Exemplary Ass-Kisser” Award to Closing Ceremonies