The Oh-So Elusive Clarity
A few months ago, I got involved with someone I met in a group event setting.
It seemed like we were a great match: we were around the same age, went through divorce at around the same time, happened to be the same race, and even went to the same school many years ago.
We also had the same values, seemingly want similar things in a relationship, and can spend time lounging around with each other without getting bored. My vision of a simple life.. being home cooking, maybe even having a garden later on, and he was on board.. looked like it was at the beginning stages.
I thought I had finally found someone who was compatible with me, and who I found to be smart on many different levels. I thought, after so many years of dating frogs, of being with people who had some critical qualities I was looking for but not others.. that he would finally be the one to tie all of those wants and needs together.
And maybe that would still be the case in the future, who knows. But right now, it’s achingly not.
At the beginning, when I started bringing up issues that plagued me, he countered with arguments or questions that I couldn’t answer. Not that I didn’t want to, but that I didn’t fully know why I felt a certain way. I just knew I did. Our conversations seemed to go in circles; I would bring up something that was bothering me, and he would always have a logical counterpoint.
The lack of clarity in what and how we both were feeling was detrimental, and thus began our rollercoaster cycle of doom.
How many times have we made a decision without being 100% sure on why we chose the way we did? How long have we gone through life on just auto-pilot, carried forth by inertia or ennui? During those times, did we question if we should be delving deeper, or do we just let our first reaction take over? Or worse, do we NOT make a decision and hope that something or someone does it for us?
Despite many examples of anecdotes I hear or read that if one is not sure about something, to bias towards action anyway, I truly believe we all try to have clarity on what is right for us before making any changes. And not only do we seek clarity, we also seek to better the situation before throwing in the towel.
The problem with trying to better the situation without full clarity is that it seems like a never-ending string of complaints and bandaid improvements. It starts looking like whenever an issue is addressed, there’s always another one waiting around the corner. It almost feels like one step forward, two steps back. And if it’s a relationship we’re talking about, it feels like both parties can’t get on the same page.
The key to solving this is to become more self-aware.
We need to look within and be in tune with our emotions. Even if not for making decisions, we owe it to ourselves to try to live the most authentic life we can.
One that is in alignment with our wants and values.
And if we do not know what those are, that’s when we stand the greatest in making poor choices, or have things happen to us instead of for us.
It’s easier said than done, for sure, but like anything else, when time, effort, patience, and practice is put in, it gets easier.
For me, constantly asking myself questions to get to the root of how I feel and reading up on different perspectives of what I am thinking really helps. For others, it may be journaling, meditating, or talking to loved ones.
When we make decisions based on strong reasons, it’s easier to remind ourselves of those reasons in times of doubt, and also serves to minimize regrets later on. We made a decision based on the best available information and feelings we had at the time, and that is the most we can do.
Ever since I made the decision of no contact, a dull ache and void follows me around these days. I now have full clarity of how I felt while in the relationship, and know logically I made the right choice; I am just waiting for my heart to catch up.
Take heed in my lesson, and the lessons from our stories for this month.
That for the lack of clarity, chaos in our minds ensued, which then led to less than desirable actions.
That the finding of our clarity and what our values were so important, that was the fuel that drove our search, no matter how long or hard.
The sweetest taste of victory is when something finally clicks, and we can articulate what it is we feel, with a sense of certainty and peace. All of the fraught and frustrations will then have been worth it.
Looking for my own thoughts, after all this time by Surabhi Mathur
I speak things that I’ve heard somewhere, seen somewhere, read somewhere, picked up from places for ‘conversation material’. I say random things that don’t mean anything to anyone. Specially to me. I’ve stopped caring. I’ve stopped feeling my life.
Do You Ever Feel Like You Found Your “Jam” Too Late In Life? by Chris Freyler
Again, I didn’t know what I was doing. The business was gone, but I was still me; I didn’t change. I kept changing environments, but I remained stagnant.
My Metro-North Misery by Jon Alexander
Waiting for what, exactly? A cold dinner left in the microwave with a note on it. The second half of a son’s little league game. Snippets of family conversations that are too brief and out of context to be fully comprehended. The feeling of life — your life — going on without you.
The Fine Art of Delaying Happiness by Ezinne Njoku
Or, I’d wait to feel it. To be in this magical mood where the stars have aligned, when I can feel the feeling that I want to feel or have the reaction that I want to have. Or when I think I’ve become the person to finally want or enjoy that something.
Moving Forward by Matigan King
Thus, at 18, I lay in the rubble of my decision in my dorm room, my new home. I wrestled with the uncomfortable realization that my childhood had ended. My home in Genoa was no longer mine. From then on, I would only be a visitor.
May we all be grateful to the turning points in our lives that have led us to where we are today, and embrace the ones to come that will lead us to where we want to go.
Happy writing and be sunny :)
A very Happy Lunar New Year to all those who celebrate!
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