IntrovertWorld
I am scared sh*tless of commenting on your posts.
I know, it's ridiculous.
Socialising has always been challenging for me. What’s ridiculous is I do not struggle with saying what’s on my mind but rather wanting to say it.
In a way, I view the socializing process in three steps. In a conversation, for example, when a second party speaks to me, that’s the first step. The second step should be me responding to them.
Instead, I usually create a step right before I respond where I evaluate the nature and format of the response to determine whether to respond and what the response should be.
Sounds pretty normal, doesn’t it? Sounds like something everybody does.
So what makes my evaluation process different?
Of course, everybody takes some time to determine how to respond to something said to them or something in written form.
That is natural. Otherwise, we would be in a world filled with chaos where everyone blurts out what comes to mind to no one in particular.
But what happens when you take too much time to evaluate your response? What happens when you overthink?
Digging a rabbit hole does not lead to a tunnel.
Well, you probably already know that, so let me tell you about my rabbit hole.
I have spent most of my time thinking something was wrong with me. There wasn’t. I was just an introvert who spent most of my time in an extrovert world where extroversion is the norm and being quiet and reserved is ‘no way for a child to be’ and even downright rude.
I’ll be turning 21 next month, and up until about three years ago, I spent most of my time trying to be ‘right’. Trying to correct myself.
As a child, some of my introverted traits were often marked as wrong and to be corrected. Trying to ‘correct’ myself was harder on me than the fact that my nature was referred to as wrong.
I learned that being quiet and reserved is disagreeable. I should try to be more lively.
I learned that being around people without participating in group activities or conversations is snobbish, and I should be more lovely. I also learned that spending time alone is just weird, and I shouldn’t spend my time looking gloomy.
I wasn’t though. I wasn’t gloomy. I did not want to be in those crowds, participate in small talk, or talk to strangers on family occasions.
I was a child, timid and ignorant. I did not know that I had a choice. So more lively I became. I met new people, became a little more chirper, and smiled at strangers who took that as a signal to go on about how lovely the weather was or how their kid was not doing well at school. And I listened.
I didn’t know there was nothing wrong with being an introvert, so I tried hard to become more lively.
The adults said I should, and they are older than me, surely they must know better, right? At least that’s what I thought. That was the start of my path as a people pleaser.
As an introverted child, however, I couldn’t keep up. I was bound to come crashing sooner than later. That felt a lot worse than trying to ‘correct’ myself.
Introverts are highly sensitive to dopamine, and as a response, we thrive in less stimulating situations. I was doing the exact opposite and there were brutal consequences to that.
Besides exposing my brain to an undesirable environment, trying too hard and not keeping up was taking its toll on me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep up with the energy of the extroverted kids.
The end product was me becoming very confused and sometimes uncoordinated. But I couldn't let people see that. I overcompensated for that by always trying to be right.
I was no longer trying to correct myself again, perhaps somewhere in the background, but my main objective at this point was to try to appear perfect. It didn’t matter that I appeared bored; it mattered that I could have a justification for that.
It didn’t matter that I had been spending time alone again; it mattered that I had the justification for it.
That mostly added up to me being a liar.
If I spent time alone in my room, I’d say I was napping because the former is weird. If I was reading a book while other kids were playing, I was just finishing an assignment.
While I was keeping up appearances as a lively child, I was still trying to follow what made me happy.
Starts the journey to perfection.
Following the conversation instance, I started finding the right thing to say at all times. I’d know exactly how to respond, but was it perfect? Will it bring out my secret introvert persona? I didn’t want that. I wanted to be labeled okay, so I made sure everything I did was okay (what was labeled okay).
And like that, I fell into a pattern of evaluating everything I did or said to achieve perfection.
I wanted to let go of what was labeled disagreeable, and for that to happen, I felt that no aspect of my life should have any relation to introversion.
A better life
Participating in the things I secretly found more pleasing while living a more ‘agreeable’ life was the start of my journey leaving the ignorant life.
I suppose it also has a lot to do with the maturity that comes with age, but I owe most of it to being an avid reader. Reading has opened my mind to a lot of general knowledge. It was through reading that I got to know I should not be ashamed of being an introvert.
Through reading, I learned that I wasn’t different. I was just an introvert, something people around me were not familiar with.
Learning that has made my life easier and better. I don’t have to pretend anymore, and I don’t have to try to fix myself.
I have slowly been learning not to be a people pleaser. It was so ingrained in me that I didn’t know I was one. I’ve heard it also comes with being a middle child too, so… working on that still.
Unapologetically me
I’m focusing on things that make me happy now without wondering what it says about me or how people feel about them. I’m not letting the fact that people will conclude who I am by evaluating the things that I do or say hinder me.
I often wonder why it’s not as easy as I have just laid it out. Sometimes I find myself in my old ways, overthinking what I am about to do or say.
For a while, that made me anxious about very many things. That anxiety triggered anxiety in other situations that eventually became a normal appearance in my life.
Somewhere in the middle of the chaos, I chose avoidance as a solution to most of my problems, especially my troubles with socializing.
It felt like a perfect way to live. If you are afraid someone won’t like your comment, don’t write it. Are you afraid nobody will see your post or blog? Don’t publish it. Are you afraid they’ll think you’re stupid when you ask that question? Shut up, don’t ask it. Are you afraid no one will visit your blog after you promote it on Facebook? Don’t post on Facebook.
And that became normal for me. I didn’t initiate conversations at times not because I was afraid, but because I was used to minimal effort. And it felt right. I was just the girl in the background who you couldn’t judge because you knew nothing about her.
It is a cowardly way to live, and you miss out on the greatest life opportunities when you live like that.
Over time, I have learned to step out of my comfort zone. I have to push myself to have a healthy social life, so I do.
I want to let that writer know they helped me solve a problem, so I comment on your articles. There’s an opening at a publication I’d like to write for, so I locate my balls and ask in.
I still have the jitters each time I have to do something new, something different, or that involves speaking with another human being, but I do it anyway. I don’t want to hold myself back anymore.
Living cowardly only gets you a mediocre life. I am aiming for much more than that.
Thank You
I am only a week older on Medium and have come across many awesome writers on this platform.
At first, I read stories only commenting in my head, but over the last three days, I have mustered the courage to write in the comment section. The writers whose posts I have left a comment to have been nice and engaging. They responded and clapped.
It made me wonder why I was scared of commenting in the first place. You have made me feel welcome, and I am looking forward to connecting with more writers. Thank you.
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