How does one date?
What are the rules of the game?
Dating etiquette is unclear
The rules of the dating game are confusing these days. In previous generations, things were much simpler because there were clear rules about how you would express interest. For example in Victorian times, “calling on someone” was a form of courtship where you were invited to a woman’s home to spend time with them. In the 1960s, the term of “going steady” meant being in a more serious engagement with someone.
We’ve broken away from these rules of courtship. A counter-culture against traditional relationships has emerged thanks to the sexual revolution, feminism, and the rising rate of divorce. On top of this shift, there’s a rapid change in how we interact with people through technology.
Now you have to learn emoji language, interpret Tinder subtext, and constantly post on Snapchat and Instagram. We are texting, tweeting, and live streaming. This is how we ‘socialize’ and connect with people today.
These factors create confusion in the realm of dating — we aren’t sure what to say and we aren’t sure what to do.
Problem #1: We don’t know what to say
The problem with pick-up lines
I think this has a little bit to do with why conversations go south on dating apps. For example, the pick-up line is still something that happens all the time yet it’s completely performative — it’s meant to demonstrate how clever a guy is to get a girl’s interest. While they work at times, from my research most women find them either cheesy or overly sexual. Similar to the dick pic phenomenon, it’s one of those things that women just don’t want. These things makes as less inclined to open up.
Shouldn’t your conversations show that you have a genuine interest in that person rather than just trying to impress them?
I think the goal is to break away from small talk and dive into meaningful conversation. While this can be difficult, I believe taking cues from Authentic Relating or trying to show more vulnerability can help take us there.
Fact: Men and women communicate differently
One thing I’ve been thinking about is that girls and boys are not socialized enough to communicate with one another enough (I hope that’s changing). For me growing up, I would notice that some girls didn’t even have guys as friends in high school. I think this lack of exposure has mystified the opposite sex and has created anxiety on how to approach one another.
According to John Gray (author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus), men tend to speak more directly and enjoy explaining things to other people. Whereas women, prefer to express their feelings and getting constant affirmation. Knowing these nuances can help us demystify how we should approach one another.
Problem #2: We don’t know what to do
Dates feel like interviews
A comment that often popped up in my research was that dates often felt like interviews, where people were asking the standard questions like: “Where are you from?” or “What do you do?”. It also felt like each person had a prepared and practiced answer to each one.
Steve (the Dating consultant), had a great point about why going for coffee or drinks can be problematic as a first date:
“Your impression of that person is completely contingent on their performance; how well they spoke, how articulate they were, which is not always a representation of who they are.”
I think this is especially true when people experience a lot of anxiety when meeting strangers for the first time. There’s pressure and tension to make a good impression and that can prevent people from being themselves.
Activities over Talking
According to Dan Ariely, we can learn more about a person by observing how they interact in the real world, rather than just talking to them.
Knowing this, my theory is that if dates are more activity related, it can take the pressure of needing to make a great impression but it also create an opportunity for you to learn more about each other. You’ll be able to observe each others’ behaviour and even gauge your chemistry better.
So if there are no rules, how do I know if I’m doing the right thing?
If you’re not sure what to do, simply ask! “What do you think of this?” or “What if we did this?” and then get feedback. Proposing ideas is better because you can discuss and decide things together, rather than you guessing or consulting other friends on their opinion. While their point of view might be valuable, the main thing is whether your date is comfortable.
Give people the benefit of the doubt
The other side of this coin is that if we know people are often misinterpreted because we don’t know really know what we’re doing, we should consider being more forgiving. If you aren’t sure about something, just ask or give people a chance to explain themselves. We all could be a little kinder when speaking to people online.
Let’s improve dating culture!
My hope with my work is to provide opportunities for people to figure out what to say and do that will lead to genuine connection. I will be prototyping ideas round this, so I’ll keep you posted!
