TYML Daily: 1.31.19
Tonight, Florida reclaims its title as the best state in the Union, we introduce a brand new “This Is America” segment, and a man explains hockey to a gold medal winner. Let’s get through this together.
Florida Man v. Chase Bank (2019)
Last Thursday, I mentioned that Pennsylvania was gunning for Florida’s best state 👑 crown 👑 but it seems like Florida heard me because, well, you’ll see:
The bank robbery was unsuccessful so let’s just call off the search, ok? I want this person to get another shot 😂
🤦🏿♂️ This Is America 🤦🏿♂️
Presented without comment.
🤷🏼♀️ WTF WHITE PEOPLE?! 👯♀️
TYML Daily is only two weeks old but Gwyneth has found her way into this section both weeks! Last week, it was psychic vampire repellent. This week, Paltrow was sued for…
The case seeks $3.1m [£2.36m] in damages. It claims she was skiing “out of control” when she hit the retired optometrist on a beginner’s slope on 26 February 2016.
…
…
$3.1 MILLION? For some beginner slope crashes?! Y’all trippin.
But it gets better:
Craig Ramon, who was skiing with Mr Sanderson, said he witnessed Paltrow hitting him in the back, knocking him over and falling on top of him.
Mr Sanderson said it was “unkind” of Paltrow to immediately ski off and not check he was ok.
UNKIND?! Oh, shit. That’s like a 8.5 out of 10 on the white anger scale. Watch out now.
We’re ✊🏿#TeamPaltrow ✊🏿 on this one.
We have a positive “WTF White People?!” story!
You’re probably gonna scroll quickly past this but look closely 👀
Valar Morghulis aka “ALL MEN MUST DIE”
If you’re a woman on Twitter, chances are this situation has happened to you.
Here’s that example in action!
On Tuesday night, Pierre McGuire, below-average former NHL player, subject of the most savage hockey article ever written, and aight NHL commentator decided to explain the rules of hockey to Kendall Coyne (on the right).
Who is Kendall Coyne?
- 2014 Olympic Silver Medal & 2018 Olympic Gold Medal winner
- Five-time IIHF World Championship Gold Medalist
- Former best collegiate women’s hockey player of the year
- The first woman to compete in the NHL All-Star Skills Challenge and finished 7th in the fastest skater competition (less than a second off the winner’s time)!
She’s been on such a life-winning streak that she landed a job at NBC Sports as a hockey commentator. Everything was good until she actually showed up to work and had to deal with Pierre:
“Tampa’s going to be on your left, Pittsburgh’s going to be on your right … we’re paying you to be an analyst, not be a fan tonight.” — Pierre Maguire
If you’ve been reading TYML Daily, or just alive in the world you know what happens next:
- Social media outrage
- The person (normally an old white dude) apologizes
Regardless of Pierre’s intent (spoiler alert: IT DOESN’T MATTER), this should have never happened in the first place. If there’s a person with a headset on that’s not some special celebrity guest, expect that they know their shit.
Give a horrible welcome to Senator Mitch “Toxic Turkey Cobbler” McConnell
A recent poll shows that a majority of Americans are in favor of making Election Day a federal holiday. Seems like a great idea, right?
Not to Senator McConnell.
Yes, the Democrats evil plan to allow every registered voter have a holiday so they can go vote is ridiculous.
Only one man can live and that man is Representative Ted Lieu
Last week, we discussed John Bolton’s interesting decision to display potential military strategy to the entire world:
This week, Ted decided to join in:
Looks like AOC’s social media training session is already paying dividends!
👨🏾⚖️ It’s Time For Some Truth 👩🏻⚖️
Mara Wilson, from Matilda and Mrs. Doubtfire fame would like to tell you some truth about salad:
Agreed! Salad is one of the most frustrating dishes in human history! Whether it’s a simple salad or has 15 ingredients, you will be hungry in less than an hour. USELESS.
White Girl Truth
The Truest Snapple Fact
Life Truth
Speaking of rebuilding one’s life…
This kid may have to after incorrectly accessing his surroundings.
Rush Hour Back?
🚨 RUSH HOUR BACK 🚨
Watching Rush Hour 2 in a movie theater was one of the most fun experiences of my life.
👀 Another crazy Rush Hour story 👀
WE TAKIN THIS SHIT BACK
And sometimes it be like that!
It’s Time For Some #GoodContent
Real friends, how many of us?
Speaking of great friends, true friends KNOW 👏🏿 YOUR 👏🏿 ANGLES 👏🏿
😭 This is beautiful 😭
😍 THIS IS CUTE 😩
Now, I usually I end with #goodcontent but…. this is terrifying so you have to see it too.
On that scary note, that’s all I have for tonight! If you enjoyed this post…
I’ll see you tomorrow!
