Choosing Queer/Bi+ Language
If being in a ‘heterosexual’ relationship makes you feel less queer, choose different language.
So many multisexual folks don’t feel very queer while in a ‘heterosexual’ relationship. I found that labeling my relationship based on MY IDENTITY has helped me empower my sexuality.
I was reading Zachary Zane’s article called During Pride, Being In An Opposite-Sex Relationship Can Be Activism, when I recalled numerous instances of gay people saying those hurtful words in front of me, whether it was about me or directed at others.
A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a genderqueer bi individual who preferred female pronouns. She and I were at Pride together when some drunken gay men made fun of us, saying things like “She doesn’t even know that her boyfriend is gay”.
I didn’t have many similar experiences, as my romantic partners never attended queer events I have been a part of. However, once, I was in the line to a sushi restaurant with my cis het male ex partner when two drunk lesbians stopped by to ask him for a lighter. They got chatting and the women asked if we were dating. We told them we broke up. The lesbians winked and said ‘ah, she realised she was gay?’ I said I wasn’t. They gave me a very confused look and strumbled away. In many queer spaces, bisexuality doesn’t even exist. This is why I host bi+/queer events in Sydney — I want to feel like my life and sexuality are also worth being proud of.
Far too often bi+ people are mis-labelled based on the sexuality of people they are in relationship with. Moreover, opposite sex couples can sometimes be ridiculed or even (usually, verbally) attacked at queer events for simply being there, because their lack of queerness is assumed based on the (yet another!) assumption of their sex and gender identities. It’s a lot to untangle.
Pride is a protest against oppression, bigotry and police brutality. And I have had enough of gay (and straight) people deciding my identity for me and treating me and others poorly. This is, partially, why I love telling people that I am bisexual.
However, sometimes, that same oppression lives within us. And it runs deep.
Many queers told me that they don’t feel comfortable joining Pride or living openly queer lives because they are in a ‘heterosexual’ relationship.
I cringe at that moment every time.
But I also remember not feeling queer in my opposite sex relationship, mostly because gay friends told me I wasn’t (since I was having sex with a man and not women at the time — eye roll here, please!).
I know a handful of lesbians who changed their identities after dating trans and non-binary people. Sometimes others help us see ourselves. And we can make a choice to change how we identify.
However, heteronormativity often asserts itself as a norm, not a choice.
Continue calling our opposite sex relationships ‘heterosexual’ often adds to the loneliness and the lack of the sense of belonging amongst bi+ people.
But we can change that!
While we may not be able to change how others identify and mislabel us, we can change the language we use every day. Leading by example can be powerful.
For me, I have never been in a heterosexual relationship even though most people I dated were opposite to my sex. I am bisexual; therefore ALL my relationships are also bisexual.
Language is a made up thing and it changes all the time. You can come up with your own words and labels, teach others, keep using them again and again until they become the norm.
If you choose to identify as someone in a heterosexual relationship, power to you. And if you are feeling less queer as you are saying it, it maybe time to start using the language that helps you feel empowered, connected and queer.
More by Anna Kochetkova:
Visible Bi+ is a space for members of the Bi+/MSpec community to share their voices. We’re striving to increase authentic visibility and dispel the many misconceptions which fuel biphobia and bi-erasure. Join us and SHARE YOUR STORY!
