Day 100: An end

Left early this morning, driving it in one-go from my friend’s home in Brigham City. My Toyota Camry packed up with literally everything I own (save for a few boxes I left with my parents).

Heading west now on I-90, over the floating bridge, I take in hills and trees and…

Day 94: No return

I want to tell you about the first time I let a woman touch me. About how she asked me if she could and I said yes and she did.

I want to tell you because it’s one of the few memories I have in my head that’s perfect, that I wouldn’t change a thing about. Leave me just…

Day 99: Empty squares

There’s a home, of course, and it’s always evening, the lamps giving off a warm glow. Must be Sunday, because I’m returning from something that has me in shirt and tie. My wife and I kiss, and there’s a dish towel in her hand — so I ditch my tie and work beside her. Vague kids making…

Day 89: Self-righteous

What does that look like?

Like wanting someone else (always incredibly close: family, friend, potential mate) to be something other than what they are.

Like believing another person isn’t doing their best or trying their hardest.

Day 85: Now that I’m 30

It was silly, to be sure. I walked in and found them contemplating wedding rings, and I just lost it. I grabbed the catalogue from Nate’s hands and threw it across our apartment living room — a gesture I hoped would be comedic but wasn’t.

Day 97: Let him enter

Chandeliers that glitter and hang from high ceilings. Ornately crafted handrails and doorknobs. Embroidered cushions at every seat. An exercise in monochromatic opulence.

Is this heaven then? The name would suggest so — the Celestial Room — as would the process to…

Day 98: The Porch, Spring 2015

The host stood on the stage and read out a name. Not mine. An old classmate from English lit. I half-listened to her story (desire and fear a mess in my head and heart) as she half-read it from a journal.

Day 95: The case against blessings

Okay, so let’s say I kneel down and say, “God, thank you for ____________” Just fill in the blank. Literally any good thing can go there.

What does it mean for me to thank God thusly? It means I assume he (just using the pronoun I grew up…

Day 86: When did that happen?

You always think you’re staying. Of course, you say you’re searching it out, weighing your options — and you’ve taken a break and distanced yourself, so as to get a clearer view. And true, your beliefs have changed (like ancient pillars toppling sideways one at a time).

Day 88: Wine to water?

When he asked me if I’d say the prayer, I said, “Sorry, but I’m gonna pass.”

A palpable awkwardness settled on the group. Though this question is always asked, the answer’s always yes.