交換生活必經課題：寂寞 【美國交換學生-康乃狄克大學- Exchange Student in UConn】
2018年即將進入尾聲，回首今年九月~十月的時候正好是在美國交換的初期，頭一次離開台灣念書，當時被寂寞的情緒狠狠綑綁。即便當時處境跟大三下差不多：都是很久沒見到家人也都住宿舍，但離開台中去台北念書和離開台灣畢竟不同。
從前幾篇網誌可以知道交換初期的處境算是艱難，銀行帳戶出問題、學業壓力、生病、令人無奈的室友、飲食與文化衝擊等等。而最大的挑戰是沒有家人也沒有朋友，好不容易熟悉的事物全部被抽掉，常常看著月亮倒數著日子，看著路燈因為自己的淚水變成一圈又一圈的彩虹。
當初看了很多演講和書，試圖尋找內心的答案，很想知道自己為什麼會莫名其妙走在路上開始哭，而且是哭到會喘不過氣的那種嚎啕大哭。我在其中一堂課The process of communication的reflection paper也選擇關注Lonely這個課題，助教說他很喜歡我的反思因為看得出來對於lonely有很深刻的體驗。
一、寂寞是必經路程
念大學時，有一個教授曾經說：「國外最煎熬的，就是寂寞。」那時候的我聽得懵懵懂懂，心想出國不是應該很快樂嗎？為什麼會寂寞？
…喜歡第一次看到下雪時，衝出去淋雪的興奮感，冷凍在異地生活的孤單感……我終於懂了當初教授在課堂上說的那句話，背後有多沉重。
寂寞的時候，上臉書看看遠方朋友的動態；鬱悶的時候，播放Youtube影片捧腹大笑一番；想到家人的時候，難掩壓力地放聲大哭……地球另一端的個人空間，有它的精采，也有無奈，這個隱密的場所承載了我所有變化無常的情緒、五味雜陳的心思。脫離舒適圈的艱辛，唯有親身走過一回才知道。浪跡天涯的皮箱裡，裝的是追夢的靈魂與不得不撐下去的勇氣。
這段話完整地詮釋了當時的心境。學長那時候也說：「如果這段文字讓以前的我看到，我不會有太大的感覺，但是現在看到真的覺得……就是這種感覺啊!!」
所以如果初到異地，孤單寂寞是非常正常的，不需要否定這些感覺。
二、寂寞不是你的錯
孤單跟你在哪，身邊有誰無關，孤單是一種心理狀態。人是群居動物，但每個人生來都是單數，從出生那一刻開始，就必須學著與自己共處，無一倖免。
或許解除孤單狀態的方法，並不是逃離，並不是把自己塞進人群裡，而是學著面對，接受自己感到孤單這件事，放下你因感到孤單而對自己的攻擊與否定，告訴自己：「並不是因為你是個不好的人所以你孤單，而是每個人都有自己的孤單要面對。」
那時覺得自己是不是出了什麼問題，不然為什麼交不到朋友(反正人有時候就是想很多)，但後來我漸漸看開了，也沒有抱持著一定要交朋友的心情，反而因為許多挫折以及珍稀的對話認識了幾位非常暖心的朋友。(詳情可見交換生活紀錄)
三、一些影片分享
How to practice emotional first aid | Guy Winch
Guy Winch是我非常非常喜歡的講者，影片底下的留言說：
He mentioned loneliness, failure, rejection and rumination, all of which I’m experiencing right now. I’ve always seen myself as mentally strong, but experiencing all of it at once has really taken a toll. This talk has given me hope.
這場演講以前看過，但在美國的交換生活讓我對這場演講有更深的體悟，因為親身體會過loneliness真的是一件非常可怕的事情，那真的是一個無底洞。上面網友的留言&底下第一則記錄真實地描繪了我在美交換初期的心境。
當時因為社團活動都還沒開始，交不太到朋友，看著來來往往的人們常常自己好難過。自認是個獨立的人，特別沒有辦法接受自己會因為孤單哭泣。
- Loneliness creates a deep psychological wound, one that distorts our perceptions and scrambles our thinking. It makes us believe that those around us care much less than they actually do. It make us really afraid to reach out, because why set yourself up for rejection and heartache when your heart is already aching more than you can stand?
- I was in the grips of real loneliness back then, but I was surrounded by people all day, so it never occurred to me. But loneliness is defined purely subjectively. It depends solely on whether you feel emotionally or socially disconnected from those around you. And I did. There is a lot of research on loneliness, and all of it is horrifying. Loneliness won’t just make you miserable; it will kill you. I’m not kidding.
- You can’t treat a psychological wound if you don’t even know you’re injured.
- We all start thinking of all our faults and all our shortcomings, what we wish we were, what we wish we weren’t. We call ourselves names. Maybe not as harshly, but we all do it.
- When you’re in emotional pain, treat yourself with the same compassion you would expect from a truly good friend.
- By taking action when you’re lonely, by changing your responses to failure, by protecting your self-esteem, by battling negative thinking, you won’t just heal your psychological wounds, you will build emotional resilience, you will thrive.
Connected, but alone? | Sherry Turkle
這段演講主要在談論科技與社群媒體對於人們互聯網的影響，
- We expect more from technology and less from each other.
- Technology appeals us most where we are most vulnerable.
- We’re lonely, but we’re afraid of intimacy. And from social networks to sociable robots, we’re designing technology that will give us the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship.
- Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments.
- If we’re not able to be alone, we’re going to be more lonely.
- Start thinking solitude as a good thing. Make room for it.
在課堂學過CMC(computer-mediated communication)，其中有兩種理論：
- Media deficit approach: CMC lacks immediacy and rich message cues, which lowers the quality of communication.
- Media augmentation approach: individuals use CMC to complement and add to face-to-face communication.
社群軟體的正反評價永遠是討論不完的議題，我認為正反兩方都有他們的立論(水能載舟亦能覆舟)，以個人經驗來看會覺得幸好活在社群媒體時代，才能在美國繼續和家人朋友保持聯繫並互相關心。
The Simple Cure for Loneliness | Baya Voce | TEDxSaltLakeCity
Baya Voce立意良好，但她被批評地體無完膚。
她提供了一套解決孤單的方法：建立ritual，意即建立一種維持人際連結的工具，透過與「重要他人」建立特有的儀式可以降低孤單的感覺。
她自己的例子是與男友吵架的時候先試著讚美對方、建立一個共識讓彼此知道需要溝通，而不是因為互相冷戰而感到被孤立。她認為「只要常和家人、朋友、所屬社群聯繫就可以降低孤單的感覺。」
↑這個影片的留言區都是負評，大家批評講者根本不懂寂寞是什麼感覺(非常認同)既然負評那麼多，為什麼還是看了這部影片？因為這位講者的論點反映了當今社會的一些問題。
我認為Baya的演講題目訂錯了，她演講中提到的「孤單解藥」並非孤單解藥。她的題目絕對不應該是Loneliness Cure，只能算是維繫感情的方法(relationship maintenance)
我認為Baya的經歷不夠深刻因此沒有辦法與聽眾產生連結，從演講中完全無法感受到她真的體會過「真正的lonely」，甚至更慘地讓聽眾覺得她在炫耀自己的社交生活有多麼豐富，我自己聽的時候也是超級無言。
以自己的親身經歷來說，因為經歷過那樣的孤單感所以更能理解那些憤怒的留言，我認為Lonely並不是根源於不認真生活或是不和朋友聯繫，而很有可能是人們到了一個全新的環境沒有家人朋友可以聯繫，又還未建立起新的人際網路，那是最痛苦的時候。(就像我交換初期)
有些人即便沒有離開熟悉的環境，但基於既有的負面經驗很難相信他人也會感到孤立無援。
但我認為這個演講還是有參考價值的，但比較像是提醒我們保留與重要他人的溝通時光、注意溝通品質，無法幫助深受孤單所擾的人。
她所提供的方法能提醒那些已經有朋友但受dialectical tension困擾的人好好把握相處時光。(溝通理論中的dialectical tension：人在各種角色扮演間應接不暇的矛盾與衝突，典型例子：想要獨處VS與人交流的矛盾。)
這同時顯示了：許多人容易將孤單的責任歸咎於當事人的不作為，忘了孤單背後的因素其實千百種，人人不同。
All the lonely people | Karen Dolva | TEDxArendal
Karen Dolva 一開始的演說就令人印象深刻，她說如果自己在22歲那年離開人世，大概要過好幾個禮拜才會有人知道。不同於上一場Baya Voce演講的充滿自信與被評為過度演出的演講，Karen Dolva整場演講聲音都是顫抖的，但它所呈現的資訊卻讓眾人信服。
身上承受的孤單寂寞讓她放下之前的工作，決定要創立一個可以幫助舒緩寂寞的組織：No isolation
留言都反映了我當時的心境，也可以看出大家其實都經歷著這樣的痛苦。
孤單寂寞的人其實真的很辛苦，因為真的沒有標準的解藥，回頭看會覺得寂寞、孤單這件事可說是當時遇上最大的考驗了，和另一位學長聊過後發現他也曾面臨這樣的課題，於是促使我想寫下這篇文章記錄交換初期的生活，同時也希望能提供一點方法給正為Lonely所苦的人。
最後附上自己當初聽Dr. Kory Floyd的podcast所寫的reflection paper
在這裡分享給大家(為了排版，我會分更多段。)
Dr. Kory Floyd talked about “Loneliness and Happiness in Human Relationships” in this podcast, he focused on communications of affection in relationships and its effects on stress. The topics Dr. Kory Floyd covered in his podcast are affection, loneliness, and social media.
He came from a small town in Seattle and has been studying communication since graduate school. Born in an affectionate family, he was surprised when he discovered that affection can be used with a manipulative purpose and can lead to negative stress responses. This explains the reason why some people can’t stand affection. He stated that affection is deeply related to loneliness and happiness. It is crucial to human beings, just as food is essential to our body.
Many people deal with their loneliness in momentary ways which result in long term problems, such as drug abuse and alcoholism. “The rush experience” results from social media and it makes some people lose the skill of forming true relationships in real life.
Dr. Kory Floyd has four suggestions for us to cure loneliness. First of all, be keen to every affection that we have received. Second, don’t accept every single offer of affection. Third, reflect on decisions and make changes. Last, address feelings. It’s important to keep in mind that loneliness is not a permanent state of being if we know how to treat it.
There are two important aspects of this conversation. The first one is that “affection can lead to negative stress responses.” As an exchange student far away from home, I am not familiar with the greeting culture in America. Though the questions were polite and caring, whenever I was asked “How are you doing?” in the first month, I felt sad since it’s not appropriate to tell others your true feelings when you are not so familiar with each other. I had a lot of pseudo-spontaneous communications by greeting back “I’m fine” when I was going through a lot of troubles and suffered from severe loneliness. It made me think that I was the only one who suffered.
The other suggestions that are crucial for curing loneliness from Dr. Kory Floyd are that it is important to be truthful to yourself, express yourself, and adjust yourself in order to get closer to where you want to be. Relating to my own experience, I struggled with dialectical tensions in the first month coming to UConn. I wanted to isolate myself by watching videos in my dorm because I was so tired of everything, but I also felt lonely and wanted to make friends. Fortunately, I gradually balanced both sides. I made some nice friends and felt a sense of belonging as time went by. I also meditate and practice gratitude on a daily basis, it makes me peaceful and full of resilience. I remember the day when I was feeling overwhelmed and chose to express my feelings to my floor-mates Julia and Elena. They comforted me and told me about their struggles. We didn’t give each other any life lesson lecture but we felt a lot stronger and created a deep connection.
If I could ask a question, I would ask are there any other fields that Dr. Kory Floyd thinks he can collaborate with in order to help those who can’t feel any sense of warmth of humanity due to traumatizing experience? I ask this because many friends of mine suffered from depression or felt lonely even if they knew how they could soothe it. This is the same idea that people know that they can lose weight by “eating less and exercising more” but they just can’t control themselves. Many people would regard them as people who are resistant to change, but sometimes it was hormones, biological factors or negative experience that prevented themselves from doing better.
While Dr. Kory Floyd was concerned about the quality of communication between social media, I would like to ask what problems he encountered in his communication through social media and how he overcame those struggles? I ask this because I am interested in what kind of issue would bother a communication professor and I want to know how he utilizes technology without falling into the trap.
I like this episode and the methods that Dr. Kory Floyd has provided. I agree that “Loneliness can make us feel vulnerable in the process, but it can also be very empowering.” Being an exchange student made me a better human with greater perseverance, courage, empathy and stronger will. In our previous lecture, we learned that items in the Johari Window move back and forth from time to time. As for me, I saw a lot of new things moving from the “Unknown” to “Open” in my window. With the information and suggestions from Dr. Kory Floyd, I learned that communication is a really important skill which can provide us pathways to achieve belonging and social inclusion.
教授將理論與個人生命結合，提出了一些很特別的論點和方法：教導我們如何接納自己、發現問題的本質，甚至找到與自己相處的方法。
(self love 也是很重要的一環，分享： Love / 關於愛 / TED Talk )
雖然不是每個人都能消除寂寞，畢竟還是要靠自己努力去適應環境，但希望世界上所有深受lonely之苦的人們都能找到適合自己的途徑， “Be truthful to yourself, express yourself, and adjust yourself in order to get closer to where you want to be.
